A Complaint about Fair Trade Bananas

I would like to register a complaint.

It’s about these Fair Trade bananas that I have been purchasing from the supermarket. I am, of course, very much in favour of the concept and work of the Fair Trade Foundation in getting better prices, working conditions and fair terms of trade for farmers and workers in the developing world. This means that the Fair Trade banana is likely to be more expensive than a banana that has been sourced from an area where exploitation may have taken place.

My local supermarket only sells Fair Trade bananas and I am okay with that, my complaint is that the bananas are really not very good and completely bland, even by a banana’s standard. So I am paying over the odds for a crap banana, how on earth can that be a fair trade?!

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Jake McMillan

Why do Couples get to have a Bed?

A friend pointed out the other day the great injustice that takes place when you go to a house party of a friend. I hadn’t really noticed before, but it is so true that couples have always ‘bagged’ one of the beds whereas single people get to sleep on the sofa or on the floor?!

This is a double whammy against singletons. Not only do they sleep alone again, but they have to sleep somewhere uncomfortable. Is it not a bit selfish of couples to take the beds? They get to sleep with someone every night of the year. Surely, for one night they can rough it somewhere and let the single people take the beds?

Come on couples, do the decent thing and be kind to your single friends, the world doesn’t revolve around you.

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Jake McMillan

Bad Pickup Lines

Here is a collection of truly awful and funny ‘bad’ pick up lines:

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Where you born on a farm? Because you can certainly raise a cock

I wanna disappear inside of you like a Tampon.

If I were an enzyme, I’d be DNA helicase so I could unzip your genes.

Do you have any Mexican in you …  no? You want some?

Are you wearing space pants? Because your ass is outta this world!!

Are your parents retarded? Because you sure are special.

Let’s get a pizza and fuck. What, you don’t like pizza?

You don’t sweat much for a fat lass, do you?

Your daddy must have been a baker, ’cause you’ve got a nice set of buns

I just moved you to the top of my “To Do List.”

If you don’t go home with me tonight you’re a fucking idiot.

If I flip this coin what do you think my chances are of getting head

Hey baby my name’s Pinocchio! Wanna sit on my face while I tell you lies?

3 more beers and you’ll look pretty.

Just a quicky? The doctors say I’ll be dead by Tuesday

Would you like to try an Australian kiss? It is just like a French kiss, but down under.

Before we start: I don’t have an STD, it’s psoriasis

Nice shoes…wanna fuck?

Did it hurt? When you fell from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face!

Well here I am! What were your other two wishes?

Are you free tonight or will it cost me?

Call me Mr Flinstone, I can make your bedrock”

You Caribbean? Because with that walk Jamaican me crazy

If you were a bogey, I’d pick you first

Wanna come to my party? The one in my pants

I hope your pussy don’t smell like your attitude!

Do you like jewellery? Will have a suck on this, its a real gem

There are 213 bones in a human body, would you like another?

I lost my teddy, can I sleep with you?

I lost my number, can I have yours?

If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U and I together

If I was a squirrel and you were a squirrel, could I put my nuts in your hole?

I heard you got diabetes & I wanna inject you in the bum

I’ve heard you are looking for a good FUCK tonight, I’ve got FCK, all I need is U

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Jake McMillan

My Favourite Insult of the Noughties

So much pondering has taken place recently of what has happened in the last decade and this is my humble and trivial contribution, my favourite insult of the the last decade.

Note: this is not a polite insult and quite rightly so. If you feel like using it yourself, then please only do it to a friend as a stranger will: (a) not stay for the full insult, or (b) will hit you before the end of the insult.

THE INSULT (to be used when the person has done something stupid or dumb).

YOU: (to THEM) I want you to imagine a big hairy minge?

THEM: What?

YOU: I need you to picture a really big hairy minge? Can you do that? Have you got a picture of that in your head?

THEM: (confused) er, okay, I am picturing it

YOU: Good. Now, I want you to imagine that big hairy minge has now just doubled in size, okay?

THEM: okay

YOU: Right, the minge has now doubled in size again! Can you picture it? Are you seeing this enormous minge?

THEM: yes

YOU: Excellent, well, that’s how much of a twat you are!

Trust me, if you ever get to do this to someone, it is very satisfying. But use discretion!

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Jake McMillan

Lame Jokes that are actually Great

One of the great things about Christmas, is that lame jokes are allowed or at least tolerated. The jokes you find inside crackers are truly awful, but now and again you get a lame joke that is so lame it is actually great.

Have fun with the following!

What is Orange and sounds like a parrot?
A Carrot

Why did the baker have brown hands?
Because he needed a poo

Do you hear about the two aerials that got married recently?
The wedding was awful but the reception was brilliant

A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre…
So the barman gives her one.

What is E.T. short for?
Because he’s got little legs

What kind of bees make milk?
Boobies

Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his groin area. The barman asks if he realises he has a wheel on his winkle? The pirate responds, “yeah, its driving me nuts”

Did you hear about the dyslexic man who walked into a bra?

Why did the mushroom go to the party?
Because he was a fungi

“Doc, I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home.” “That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.” “Is it common?” “Well, It’s Not Unusual.”

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?
el-if-i-no

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fsh

Why are there no asprins in the jungle?
Because the Parots-ate-em-all

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named ‘Ahmal.’ The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him ‘Juan.’ Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”

A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.

I truly believe in being Frank and Earnest with women. In London I’m Frank and in Birmingham I’m Earnest.

At 40, it is easy to get sex. I live at no.41 so it is no distance at all.

What do you call a woman with one leg?
Ilene

… and finally the classic of classic lame jokes:

What’s brown and sticky?
A stick!

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Jake McMillan

100 per cent Rubbish!

That is it, I’ve had enough! Something needs to be done about people, notably sports people, using percentages incorrectly about their effort, e.g. “I gave it 110%, but next time I’ll give it 120%”. No, no, nooooooo!

You cannot give 120% effort, the maximum effort you can give, by definition, is 100%, no more, that would be impossible.

Athletes and such like either do not understand or don’t want to say they only gave 95% effort last time and this time they’ll give 98% effort. I guess it doesn’t sound as grand to use percentages properly.

And yes I do understand that when used the term is not meant to be taken literally and is meant figuratively. I do not actually believe we are some sort of android with the capability to check a readout which tells us our percentage effort used.

I am against the use of the term as it is not only wrong, but it sounds totally lame and there are many other words and colourful phrases that could be better used instead.

Please give 100% effort and no more (as you can’t) into making sure we stamp this out.

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Jake McMillan

How to be a Sock Genius

You wouldn’t know it to look at me, but I am a bone fide ‘sock genius’ and have been since 1999.

It was in the final year of the 20^th Century that I had a sock epiphany. I was living in Wembley and was matching up my recently washed socks and thinking just how a depressing an activity matching up socks is. I imagined a world where my life was joyous and carefree and where I never had to match another sock again. If only it could be real? Well, it can!

I got rid of my collection of socks that had evolved over the years and went out and bought 50 pairs of black socks. Actually, thinking about it, I bought the socks first before getting rid of my old ones as otherwise I would temporarily have no socks to wear. Anyway, since that day I have never had to match up a sock again.

It really is brilliant.

If a sock becomes damaged, I don’t care! I just throw it away, I haven’t lost a whole pair. I just pick up 2 socks from the pile every morning, it is that simple.

Ah, some people say, what about wear rates, some socks will fade faster than others? This is true, but if you buy quality socks and put your newly washed socks underneath already clean socks in your draw, you will get a fairly even wear rate. There will be subtle differences, but only the most anal sock examiner will notice and I make a point of not befriending anal sock examiners.

Note: anal sock examiner refers to a sock examiner who is particularly anal/pedantic about their sock examining and is not a reference to examining socks for an anus. As far as I know there are no such things as anal socks.

So, go out and buy 50 (or more) pairs of black socks and you too can change your life and become a sock genius like me.

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Jake McMillan

The 24hrs Rule

It’s a rule that didn’t exist 10 years ago, but now the 24hrs rule, although an unwritten rule, governs our etiquette regarding email, SMS text messaging and phone calls. Unless you are ill, on holiday or unexpectedly put in prison, you are meant to reply to this type of electronic message, to a friend or colleague, within 24hrs, anything longer and it is considered rude and an apology would be expected with the message.

Before the predominance of the internet and mobile phones, communication was limited to old fashioned landline telephone calls and snail mail. Now that we carry around electronic devices on our person and engage in social networking several times a day, we fully expect a response to our message within a reasonable time frame, which is no more than 24hours.

If a message goes over 24hrs without a response, then we get very annoyed as it is disrespectful to behave in such an impolite way. Even as the 24hrs barrier approaches we start to get annoyed that the person dares to get close to a contemptible reply time.

We are increasingly becoming more and more impatient and the 24hr rule is starting to become socially unacceptable for text messages and that a response within 12hrs (inclusive of sleep time) is expected. A good friend of mine was even upset the other day that I took 6hrs to reply to her text message and I was ill at the time!

It’s only in the dating arena, as per my previous blog post, where communication is acceptable over the 24hrs period otherwise it seems too keen. More and more we have to communicate with people over different mediums, but also be conscious of how quickly and often we do it. We also learn whether our friends are more responsive to a particular form of communication, some prefer texts, other emails and some even (can you believe it?) actually prefer talking on the phone!

I’m quite happy with the 24hrs rule but I worry that we are moving towards a world where instant responses are required. I am not a fan of that and that is why I don’t log into instant messaging systems unless I have arranged to chat to somebody.

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Jake McMillan

The Internet Dating Myths

It’s been around for quite a few years now and has become to most people a fairly acceptable way of meeting new people. Not the only way of meeting people, but just another way of meeting someone. Following some chats with male and female friends who also partake in online dating I was surprised that they still believed some of the myths of internet dating and had not been aware of some of the cold realities of the process.

Myth:  Online dating is a place where both men and women can and will make the first move with each other

Harsh Reality: Men have to make the first move in the vast majority of cases. Women who do make the first move are ‘probably’ not that attractive.

The virtual dating world unfortunately mirrors the real world and men have to approach women and send the first message. Men who do not bother and just sit back and wait for interest in them will not, unless they are Brad Pitt, get much attention and if or when they do, it will not be from hot chicks.

Hot chicks need only to create their account and wait for the messages from eager men and pick the best ones to reply to. Average-looking women may need to ‘wink’ (or equivalent function) to get a guy’s attention and make it clear they are receptive to a message from them. Minging women need to make more of an effort online and send messages. Whereas all men, minging or otherwise, have to make the effort.

Myth:  Online dating is a quick and easy way to meet great new people

Harsh Reality: It actually takes up a lot of your time, especially if you are a bloke, as you have to play the numbers game to be successful.

You can spend ages trawling through pages of profile pictures, clicking on an individual profile to find out that the main photo was clearly taken a long time ago compared to the others. Rather than search the profile for positives, you end up searching it to see if they have things that put you off, like, for example, whether they are slim or fat, tall or short, divorced, have kids, whether they drink or not, or if they are religious and if they can write a coherent sentence? Why do so many people put up group photos when the photo is so small you cannot make out the person? Or if they do, they put up a picture where they are standing next to someone who is far more attractive? I’m always suspicious of profiles where you do not get to see their face that clearly in more than one photo.

Myth:  Women will judge men on their witty and personal opening message

Harsh Reality: Rubbish. They may not even read it. Like men, they will judge you on your profile picture and if you don’t look too bad they may even read some of your profile and if they fancy you they will reply despite what your opening message says.

I’ve heard some women complain that the opening message from a guy seems like it has been copied and pasted or is not more of an effort than ‘How’s it going?’ The majority of the time this is probably true as men know there is absolutely no point spending ages crafting a personalised and humorous message as chances are it won’t even get read. A friend of mine had automated rejection emails from girls who hadn’t even read his message!

Not so much a myth, but it surprises a lot of people how impolite Internet Dating can be as it seems to have its own social conventions and etiquette. For example, if you start chatting/messaging someone it is perfectly acceptable to stop communicating with them without explanation or a goodbye. Even if you meet up with someone, people will just stop communicating without having to go through the awkward, “sorry, I’m just not interested” conversation.

I’ve noticed that in London particularly, and this is probably true of other big cities, that people tend to play games more, which I really hate. It all seems rather false.

That being said I have met some really nice people through online dating, but think I may take a break from it for a while. Of late, I seem to have done better meeting people I like the old fashioned way!

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Jake McMillan

The Trauma of Stool Samples

It’s one of those things that you hope you never have to do in life, but I have twice had to give a stool sample for the doctor and they have been the most traumatic experiences of my life. Firstly, they give you a tiny sample jar, which I think is the same as the urine sample jar, which also has a little spatula built into the lid. When the Doctor gave it to me, I couldn’t hold back my horror as there is no way you can poo straight into it. So I asked her if she had any tips on how to use it? Then she had the look of horror as she was quite young and I’m pretty sure no one had asked her that before.

The Doctor told me that the easiest method is to defecate into another receptacle and then scoop the faeces from there into the sample jar. Why do Doctors talk like that? Is there a class at medical school called ‘You can’t say shit or poo to a Patient’? The first stool I had to give was the most traumatic as I was dreading it and put it off for nearly a week (note: I did actually poo during this time, I wasn’t storing it up or anything). When providing a sample, you want to do a good poo and I figured a solid poo would be easier to deal with in an el fresco situation.

My sample kit consisted of the sample jar and the bit of cardboard that Amazon wraps DVDs in when they send them to you. They are actually ideal as you can slide them under the toilet seat and they will reach to the other side of the toilet easily without risk of falling. So all you need to do for Step 1 of the process is do a poo like you would normally. In practice, it doesn’t feel normal though, it feels really weird.

Step 2 of the process is the most traumatic as you have to get some of the poo from your Amazon DVD cardboard to the sample jar and it makes me sick to even think about it again. The first thing that strikes you as you take a pause to mentally prepare yourself for what you need to do next, is that poo, when not in water, really does stink quite a lot. The second thing that strikes you is that the ‘handy’ spatula they provide is utterly pathetic as you push, probe and cut your own poo so it can be placed into the sample jar. I wretched several times before getting enough poo into the sample jar.

Step 3 is the disposal of the remaining poo and the Amazon DVD cardboard. The first is flushed and the second must leave your place of residence immediately!

Step 4 is to take the sample down to your Doctor or hospital. Handy tip here is to have already written your name on the sample jar. Trust me, you don’t want to have to write it on the jar with your own shit inside! By this point you feel good as all the traumatic stuff is out of the way, but Step 4 is actually quite traumatic too, much more than you realise. You have to carry your faeces whilst walking down the street and with other people around. You can’t carry it in your hand so you put it in your pocket and you can still feel the warmth from it. Your poo is really quite warm!

If steps 1-3 weren’t shameful enough for you and you’ve managed to cope with walking down the street holding your own excrement. You then have to hand your shit over to someone else. I had to do it at the GP Surgery reception. I was called forward and the guy said hello and I said I had a sample and very sheepishly handed it over, as if I was passing him drugs, and he held up a plastic tray for me to put it into as he definitely didn’t want to touch it.

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Jake McMillan