Huge apologies in advance for the trivial nature of this posting, especially with all the serious problems the world is facing at the moment, but I would like to bring to your attention a new form of profiling based on how you wipe your bottom! I know, I know, this sounds ridiculous, but did you realise that how you buff your behind is different to other people and that your method could reveal something about your personality?
This revelation in differing posterior polishing methods occurred whilst out drinking with an Australian lady. From nowhere she asked me, “Do you scrunch or fold?” I had absolutely no idea what she meant. She explained that people either folded the toilet paper or scrunched it before applying it to their dirty derriere.
After some polling and the setting up of a Facebook group, I discovered this was true with nearly a 50:50 split amongst friends and colleagues. The neat, sensible and more cautious tended to (not always) be Folders and the lazy and carefree tended to be Scrunchers. Both argue that their method achieves better access and is a softer feel. However, Scrunchers suggest their method is quicker, more efficient and keeps their hands further from the ‘danger zone’, whereas Folders believe Scrunchers are not able to clean as thoroughly.
Another drunken party, this time with no Australians present, but with a large proportion who had been there(!), revealed that there is another division of people: those who stand and those who sit during a crevice cleansing session. Sitters lean to one side to gain access whereas Standers actually get up off the seat to sanitize their sphincter. Standers think sitting and leaning is weird and cannot achieve good access, whereas Sitters think standing will lead to extra mess from squishing!
There seems to be no correlation between those who sit or stand with those who prefer to fold or scrunch. Therefore, we all fit into one of the following 4 profiles:
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Folder-Sitter: You seem an open and fun person, but are also quite private and guarded
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Folder-Stander: You are tidy and neat, but also quite practical and like to do things your way;
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Scruncher-Stander: You have a healthy perspective on life and have a good balance of work, play and friendships as well;
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Scruncher-Sitter: You are a lazy so and so, but are actually quite happy with life and a great friend and companion.
So which are you?
Jake McMillan
Further Info:
Do you Scrunch or Fold? (A blog dedicated to the debate)
February 10th, 2009 at 4:47 pm
good post, will try and check back again
newman
February 12th, 2009 at 2:40 am
U have spent enough time to do some micro research on this tricky subject.Those in tropical countries have no debate over this routine. They simply splash it away with water.No thought on folding or scrunching or for that matter sitting or standing.
September 17th, 2009 at 3:20 am
I am a serious folder, it brings out the anal (huh) in me and from several experiments I conducted (on myself) folding does a better job (huh again) and uses less paper.
So I suppose you could draw a long bow and say I am saving trees.
As for standers, my god, can you really schmikko the sphincter with your cheeks kinda shut. MMmmm?
September 17th, 2009 at 11:26 am
Excellent! Just to clarify … standers do not stand all the way up but more hover above the toilet so the cheeks have not moved any closer together from their original position.
So maybe rather than sitters and standers, it should be leaners and hoverers?!
March 5th, 2010 at 12:15 pm
[...] Going to the toilet is a bit tricky too and you have to be quite careful initially at lowering yourself down and standing up. It helps my loo is nearby and very narrow so there is always something to lean on or hang on to. I’ve also had to go from being a scruncher-stander to a scruncher-sitter. [...]
July 22nd, 2011 at 3:38 pm
You have an amazingly wide vocabulary for the word “bottom”, but not once did you use “butt” or “a$$”!
July 22nd, 2011 at 3:46 pm
Thanks! Anyone would think I was some sort of pompous Brit