by Jake McMillan
Last week I reached a new low in ridiculous things to say on a date. If you’re unaware of my skill (or lack of it) in this area, then please read here for some examples of really quite stupid things I have said in the past.
On a date last week, for a reason I still do not understand, I raised the topic of the inadequacy of tampons and the lack of development in tampon technology over the years. Why hadn’t they invented something better that women could just shove up there for a week and forget about?
Using a parallel of a tape worm that sits inside the stomach and eats up food, I suggested that they develop a worm that a woman can put up her which laps up her period (and yes I did use the term ‘laps up’).
I don’t think I’ve seen someone look quite so appalled. I did argue there are fishes that eat dead skin, but the damage had been done.
CONTINUED from Part 2 of me playing an anonymous joke on an Author’s Agent friend of mine by submitting silly ideas for children’s books.
Day Eight (of ten):
The Little Pony Jesus
Jesus appears to be a typical slightly smaller than average Pony, but he has a secret. In reality he is an angel who has been sent down from heaven to help people with various different problems and situations. All sounds rather sweet, except for the fact that the little pony Jesus is a rubbish angel. He sucks at it. Although he has a general capacity for good, he can’t help but be sarcastic and tell terrible jokes and is generally considered to be an annoying little pony who occassionaly does little pony poos in inappropriate places.
In this first tale, little pony Jesus is assigned to a lovely little girl, Kayleigh, who seems perfectly fine, but is hiding a sadness. Little Pony Jesus tries to help out in his usual inept way and the little girl is very suspicious of him and his annoying and unfunny ways. Eventually Kayleigh warms to the little pony Jesus and she appears to be all happy again and Jesus is happy too.
However, the little pony Jesus discovers that Kayleigh’s secret is not just that she is sad. It turns out she is the daughter of satan who is about to take over from her ill father and launch a campaign of evil and terror across the earth. So the little pony Jesus kills Kayleigh with his little pony hoofs and buries her under big pile of little pony poos.
Plumpy the Wonder Slug
Plumpy was a slug. However, he wasn’t plump. It was one of those ironic names his friends had given him as he really was the most skinny of slugs.
Plumpy’s skinny frame made him ideally suited to slug modelling and not before long he had become one of the top supermodels and the only male supermodel of the slug fashion world. Plumpy was living it up big style, out all night at wild parties, snorting lots of coke, most of it directly off the chests of his many adoring female slug admirers.
Plumpy was still quite young but living a very adult life. Things were getting out of control as his addiction to drugs and slug hookers began to affect his professional life. He would be late or not turn up at all and when he did show up he would be so out of it he could barely pose for a photo. He was fired from the Calvin Klein underwear campaign.
His slug friends arranged for an intervention and Plumpy went off to the rehab clinic. It was there he met Olivia, another slug who had had her issues. Plumpy and Olivia fell in love and they supported each other and left the clinic completely clear of their addictions.
6mths later Plumpy was not feeling so well and went to the doctor. Plumpy had AIDS and was given only a few weeks to live. He’d also given it to Olivia who died not long after he did.
This tragic and heartwarming story will help young people learn the dangers of drugs and unprotected sexual intercourse., especially with slugs.
This is the penultimate story idea of ten I am putting forward to you.
Day Ten (the ‘big reveal’)
The Grown-up Adventures of Tommy Watkins
Tommy was thirteen and a half and was a sweet kid, but like most boys who are thirteen and a half, he was a cheeky little boy with a juvenile sense of humour. Tommy also yearned to be that little bit older so he could get the attention of girls. All the ones in his year seemed to be interested only in older boys.
He had learned a new trick which he seemed to be enjoying and mastering … the 5-knuckle shuffle. Through one particularly epic session of bashing the bishop, Tommy made a wish just as he had the most monumental climax, so strong that he passed out.
When he woke, Tommy was different. Tommy had a body of a grown up. I know what you’re thinking, this sounds a bit like the plot of the film ‘Big’ with Tom Hanks.
Tommy thought “cool, I don’t have to go to school any more!”. So he didn’t go. He knew he needed one of those job things and decided to call himself a consultant. He wasn’t really sure what they did but it soon became clear that grown ups had no idea either.
He rebranded himself as Tom rather than Tommy so to appear an adult. He managed to get paid employment, a place to live and a gained a whole new group of friends that had no idea he was only 13.
Although he had the body and face of someone about 30-ish years old, Tom was still very juvenile and loved to annoy his new friends with silly jokes and pranks. Tom was also meeting women and loved talking about alternatives to tampons and all things related to poo [Note: this is a clear reference to things I do]. Life was good.
All went wrong when he met this really quite annoying lady called Tilde Squiggle [note: another reference to Hayley and her keen use of the ~ character]. She seemed quite normal and friendly at first, but Tom quickly saw her true colours. She was quite moany and made below standard tea as well as not even having any white sugar?! [note: clear reference to a recent encounter where she only had brown sugar] Tom was only 13 and even he knew you needed white sugar.
Tom decided to annoy Tilde. She worked at some weird job to do with books where she just emailed all day and ate loads of cake. In his cunning yet juvenile way Tom had this plan to email her every day using a made up name with absurd ideas for books.
The first email was sent and she did not respond or engage, but she immediately had suspicions. Further emails arrived and suspicions grew stronger but were denied. The emails continued and still Tilde was not sure where they came from? Was it actually coming from a weirdo? Or which friend could it be playing this joke? Still the emails came and Tilde was confused, bemuddled and annoyed.
Tom had won
CONTINUED from Part 1 of me playing an anonymous joke on an Author’s Agent friend of mine by submitting silly ideas for children’s books.
Day Five (of ten):
Geraldine is a pygmy, but like no other. You see Geraldine is also Steve … and Patricia … and Klaus … and Julio … and Faloola … and finally M-wa-poopala. Geraldine has multiple personality disorder.
‘The 7 Faces of Pygmy’ is a fascinating and intriguing series of stories for kids. The great thing is, you get 7 characters for the price of one, each having its own adventure:
Steve – Sweet, nice but extremely accident prone
Patricia – Is a madame in a knocking shop
Klaus – Believes he is a vampire
Julio – Has amnesia and is trying to find out what happened to him since the ‘accident’
Faloola – Believes she is an author of children’s books and keeps coming up with increasingly ridiculous ideas for books that will never get published (ironic huh?)
M-wa-poopala – a native american from the 19th century who has travelled through time and is struggling to cope with the modern world
Gerladine – She is the main character and the original personality. Geraldine is a bi-sexual loss adjuster from Luton.
The Accountant of Monte Cristo by Alexander DuMaths
The story covers the betrayal of Edmond Dantes (CIMA), his imprisonment, escape and return and revenge as the Accountant of Monte Cristo. At critical areas through the story, the reader must solve mathmatical problems to progress the story, e.g. calculating the amount of time Dantes is in prison in hours and minutes, etc. The book ends with Edmond getting revenge by causing the accountants who betrayed him to have their qualifications stripped away.
Jemima Pickles and The Great Vajazzler
Told from the point of view of 10 year old Jemima Pickles, she describes her magical encounters with the mysterious and wonderful man known only as ‘The Great Vajazzler’. He vajazzles to the amazement and awe of crowds around the world. He never advertises, but the word soon gets out if he’s going to be vajazzling in your town.
Jemima sneaks backstage and eventually persuades The Great Vajazzler to become his apprentice. She is living the dream to the envy of other kids around the world. All is good, until a rival Vajazzler appears on the scene.
Hayley still had her suspicions, but wasn’t quite sure who was actually sending these emails.
Click here for the final 3 ideas and the ‘big reveal’.
Being the mature, grown up and generally wise person that I am, I decided to play a rather juvenile joke on a friend of mine. She works as an author’s agent specialising in books for children and was moaning that she was getting lots of authors wanting to promote their books that are about a cat that is a detective of some sort.
So, using a fake email address I decided to have a little fun with her. Very sorry Hayley.
Day One (of ten):
I am writing to ask if you would be interested in a children’s book I have written?
It’s about this amazing cat, a Ginger Tom, who, with the help of his mouse friend, solve crimes in and around Lincoln. Not murders or anything like that, just things like robberies, arson, GBH, fraud, rape, etc.
It’s called ‘Cat and Mouse’ and is aimed at 5-10 age group and comes with illustrations.
Let me know if you’re interested and I can provide more information.
Sorry to chase, but wondered if you were interested in me and my book? As you can imagine I’ve had a lot of interest from other agencies.
I’m also developing another series of childrens’ books about a homicidal Beaver named Jerry. Jerry is a serial killer of other beavers, but only kills very bad beavers.
Okay, so I take it you are not overly keen on these ideas?
How about another project of mine in development, again aimed at children. It’s about this snake called Arnold and his good buddy Tarquin, an owl, who fight crime at night in a superhero sort of way. Tarquin carries Arnold around and then drops him into the danger zone to sort out the bad guys. To make it relevant to modern society, Arnold is a pre-op transsexual who works for a sexual health clinic during the day and Tarquin is an investment banker.
Barney is a badger with some issues. On the one hand he has the gift to heal people through touch, although when he does, this drains his energy so much that doing it is actually killing him little by little. On the other hand Barney is very depressed and lonely, unable to create close bonds with anyone. Barney’s mother committed suicide when he was young, he never knew his Dad and as a result Barney has been on anti-depressants most of his life.
Barney’s only real relationship is with his psychotherapist. A Donkey named Judy.
Hayley did not know who was sending these messages, but she had her suspicions and I was most definitely one of the main suspects. She did not reply to any of the above messages but forwarded them on to me and the other suspects. We all denied any knowledge of it.
Click here to go to Part 2 and read the increasingly ridiculous stories put forward.
by Jake McMillan
The 2001 UK Census notoriously recorded the many Jedis that reside across England and Wales, with a total of 390,127 people (0.7% of the population) stating they were Jedi Knights or followed the Jedi religion. With the 2011 census being carried out on Sunday 27th March, I call upon people to declare they are a Sith (the evil version of Jedis, e.g. Darth Vadar, Darth Maul), or a Sith Lord and/or follow the Dark Side in the optional Religion question of the census.
The result of this action will mean that the 2011 Census will show that British people in the last ten years have turned evil, recording that we have converted from being good Jedis to following the Dark Side of the Force.
Don’t worry, you don’t have start dressing up like Darth Maul or Darth Vader, but you might want to give yourself a Sith Lord name, Darth [Whatever you like].
Remember this will not have any negative impact on the census itself and so you can decide to do this for any of the following reasons:
- Just for fun
- Rebelling against the government/bureaucracy
- Objecting to or do not wish to disclose your religion
- Want to baffle and confuse future historians
- Have an impact on a historical event
- An intellectual desire to record the impact of popular culture in today’s society
- You are actually an evil Sith Lord
So, whatever your reason, please state you are a Sith or following the Dark Side for the 2011 Census religion question.
Facebook Group Campaign
2011 Census Web Site