by Jake McMillan
Now we all know there are no real ‘good’ ways to dump someone, but here are 5 really quite terrible ways to tell the person you are with that they are dumped:
Gloriously and publicly mean, a simple change of relationship status without warning from ‘In a relationship’ to ‘Single’ will not only let him/her know the situation but will also let all your mutual friends know the score too.
2. Fake your own death
For the person who really doesn’t want to have to do any dumping, arranging a fake death will do it for you without having to say a word to them. This does require a lot of effort, of course, but does neatly get round dumping someone, as long as they don’t see you post-death.
3. Hire a Barbershop Quartet
If you have trouble saying the words, then hire professionals who will articulate it better than you in a fun and musical way.
4. Restaurant and Run
Take them to a restaurant (a public place where they are less likely to cause a scene) and at a point of your choosing, leave the table and slip the waiter a note to give to them which explains they are dumped. If you are really mean you could wait until the bill is due and tell the waiter it is their birthday and ask them to give them the note as well as singing “Happy Birthday”. Meanwhile you do a runner.
5. The Text
It’s simple, quick and totally mean. However, it completely gets you out of having to have the big old conversation with them about it and you don’t get to see them cry or complain. Simply text them it’s over and say you don’t want to hear from them again and that is it.