A friend sent me this funny link earlier today, which is a silly song (to the 007 theme) explaining why James Bond is, in fact, a bit of a prick.
Warning: it does contain bad language.
Category Archives: Fun
The Scrunch or Fold Debate: Have you Voted?
Did you know the whole world is divided into scrunchers and folders? Some people fold toilet paper before using it and others prefer to scrunch.
Which one do you do?
To cast your anonymous VOTE and find out more about the debate CLICK HERE
An Email to my Flatmates from our Dishwasher
I posted before about my flatmates and their unusual approach to using dishwashers. I am trying new techniques to subtly teach them how to use it. The alternative would be to actually run some sort of workshop for them, but even I’m not that sad.
Today I forwarded them an email from our Dishwasher:
Dear Masters,
It is an honour to serve you. For as long as I live I shall endeavour to clean your plates, mugs and kitchenware to the best of my abilities.
To that end, it would help me immensely as well as save you from further washing up or cost of running me again to be aware of the following:
- Mugs/Glasses should be vertical on the upper deck, i.e. the bit needing cleaning is facing the washing blades
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- Glasses on the upper deck should be on a stalk or kept wedged in by other objects otherwise they fall over (go horizontal) when the deck is pushed in & won’t be washed properlyh
- Objects stacked on top of other objects will not get washed properlyh
- Anything with a lot of dirt should be rinsed before putting inside me (sorry, I’m not as good as I once was)Following this advice will mean I will be less likely to disappoint you and provide you with the shiny and clean crockery, glasses & utensils you deserve.
Your faithful servant,
Glen (the dishwasher)
A Complaint about Vagisil
Following on my fun with complaining to Hampshire Council about the so-called ‘New’ Forest as well as the ridiculous ideas for children’s books, I wrote to the makers of Vagisil, Combe Inc., to complain about the name of the product and suggest some more suitable ones. I know, I know, I have too much time on my hands.
Dear Sirs & Madams,-I am writing to complain about the product you have chosen to name ‘Vagisil’.
To clarify, the product seems to work well as far as I’m aware (as I don’t have a vagina of my own), but my issue lies with the name of the product. It simply is far too vulgar that I cannot bring myself to buy it anymore.
I was in a chemist last week in London (which is a large city in the United Kingdom, where English comes from) and I had to ask the young lady behind the counter for Vagisil as I couldn’t find it on the shelves. Not for me, I hasten to add, but my wife Judy asked me to get some for her emotionally-challenged sister Maggie.
For the record, Judy’s vagina is in good working order, save for a bit of moderate flappage that is normal for a woman of her years. No, it is just for Maggie and I won’t go into all the problems we’ve had in looking after her, but the woman gets yeast everywhere so it is no surprise she gets so many infections.
Returning to the incident in the chemist, it was extremely embarrassing to have to ask the shop assistant for your Vagisil. Not only did she snigger but so did the other shoppers in this small but well appointed local chemist. One senior citizen customer giggled so much she passed wind. I have been a patron of that chemist for years but I don’t think I can show my face in there again.
I do understand that Vagisil is a name that is aptly descriptive, i.e. My Vag(ina) is ill. However, surely the imaginative people at Combe Inc. can come up with a better and more friendly name that upstanding non-vagina owning citizens such as my good self can order free from ridicule?
To help you make a start on this re-branding exercise I have sought the assistance of Maggie’s friend, K-man, from her help group, as he is apparently a marketing whizz who once organised a very successful raffle. I’m not sure I understand all the terms Keith suggested but they seem pleasant and inoffensive to me. What do you think of the following:
• Beaver-ease
• Snatch-soothe
• Muff-mend
• Fannyseptic
• Clunge-cure
• Gash-guardI’m not sure what your marketing people think, but as a customer I’d be more than willing to go into a chemist and ask for one of these unashamedly.
Let me know what you think? I have to run as Maggie has made a mess on the sofa.
Best
Jake McMillan
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I’m not sure I will get a reply with this one?
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Should I Date Santa?
Truly Awful Pickup Lines
