New Blog – Bounce Off!

I am proud to announce my participation in a new blog Bounce Off (http://bounceoffblog.blogspot.com/), which allows people to ‘bounce off’ their dating and relationship queries to myself and to my partner in advice, Risa Koh.

Together we hope to provide a male and female perspective to a whole spectrum of different relationship issues.

‘Risa is a no-nonsense, stylish and cool Yank currently residing in the Kingdom of Canadia. A great loyal friend who is always there to give well-reasoned practical and sensible advice.

Jake is a charming British bloke with witty remarks and sarcastic comebacks that make conversation lively and interesting. He is a lovable friend who is always available to offer keen insights on life and love – unless he has a date.

Neither is a trained psychologist, but they spend their time, like ALL the time, discussing and observing dating and relationship issues of others. Utilising their extensive knowledge and experience as well as a lifetime of nosiness and gossiping, Risa and Jake offer their free independent and impartial advice.

Haven’t there been times when you would like an un-biased view on some issue or another with your competitive colleague, BFF, elusive crush, overbearing mother, or romantic partner? Well, now you have it.’

It’s still very new, but please check it out and there will be new postings made several times a week.

The Internet Dating Myths

by Jake McMillan

It’s been around for quite a few years now and Internet Dating has become to most people a fairly acceptable way of meeting new people. Not the only way of meeting people, but just another way of meeting someone. Following some chats with both male and female friends who also partake in online dating I was surprised that they still believed some of the myths of internet dating and had not been aware of some of the cold realities of the process.

Myth:  Online dating is a place where both men and women can and will make the first move with each other

Harsh Reality: Men have to make the first move in the vast majority of cases. Women who do make the first move are ‘probably’ not that attractive.

The virtual dating world unfortunately mirrors the real world and men have to approach women and send the first message. Men who do not bother and just sit back and wait for interest in them will not, unless they are Brad Pitt, get much attention and if or when they do, it will not be from hot chicks.

Hot chicks need only to create their account and wait for the messages from eager men and pick the best ones to reply to. Average-looking women may need to ‘wink’ (or equivalent function) to get a guy’s attention and make it clear they are receptive to a message from them. Minging women need to make more of an effort online and send messages. Whereas all men, minging or otherwise, have to make the effort.

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Myth:  Online dating is a quick and easy way to meet great new people

Harsh Reality: It actually takes up a lot of your time, especially if you are a bloke, as you have to play the numbers game to be successful.

You can spend ages trawling through pages of profile pictures, clicking on an individual profile to find out that the main photo was clearly taken a long time ago compared to the others. Rather than search the profile for positives, you end up searching it to see if they have things that put you off, like, for example, whether they are slim or fat, tall or short, divorced, have kids, whether they drink or not, or if they are religious and if they can write a coherent sentence? Why do so many people put up group photos when the photo is so small you cannot make out the person? Or if they do, they put up a picture where they are standing next to someone who is far more attractive? I’m always suspicious of profiles where you do not get to see their face that clearly in more than one photo.

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Myth:  Women will judge men on their witty and personal opening message

Harsh Reality: Rubbish. They may not even read it. Like men, they will judge you on your profile picture and if you don’t look too bad they may even read some of your profile and if they fancy you they will reply despite what your opening message says.

I’ve heard some women complain that the opening message from a guy seems like it has been copied and pasted or is not more of an effort than ‘How’s it going?’ The majority of the time this is probably true as men know there is absolutely no point spending ages crafting a personalised and humorous message as chances are it won’t even get read. A friend of mine had automated rejection emails from girls who hadn’t even read his message!

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Not so much a myth, but it surprises a lot of people how impolite Internet Dating can be as it seems to have its own social conventions and etiquette. For example, if you start chatting/messaging someone it is perfectly acceptable to stop communicating with them without explanation or a goodbye. Even if you meet up with someone, people will just stop communicating without having to go through the awkward, “sorry, I’m just not interested” conversation.

I’ve noticed that in London particularly, and this is probably true of other big cities, that people tend to play games more, which I really hate. It all seems rather false.

That being said I have met some really nice people through online dating, but think I may take a break from it for a while. Of late, I seem to have done better meeting people I like the old fashioned way!

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Related Posts:
The Dating Milestones
Internet First Dates
Women Asking Men Out?
Top 5 Terrible Ways to Dump Someone 

How not to chat up Women!

by Jake McMillan

The scene was perfectly set, a weekend in Stockholm for my friend’s birthday with a guaranteed promise of meeting a large number of beautiful Swedish women. Accompanied by my wingman, Ian, it all seemed so promising.  I was a bit dubious about his assertion that Swedish women like to roll around naked in the snow. But I was willing to do some investigating!

The party was attended, as promised, by lots of attractive Swedish women and after the meal we all went back to my friend’s flat for drinks. Stockholm gets very cold at night and thanks to a quality bit of British moaning, I got chatting to the cool, stylish and very lovely Linda. She laughed at my rubbish jokes, she loves football and even confirmed that Swedish women do actually roll around semi-naked in the snow straight after having a sauna. Surely, I was not going to ruin it by saying something dumb? Of course I was.

Unfortunately, I often say something quite ridiculous to women I am trying to impress. I recently got into a conversational cul-de-sac about noodles whilst chatting to a nice lady who was eating some in my office building. I rather too enthusiastically said how great and wonderful they were, but didn’t know what to say next? There followed an embarrassing pause and all my feeble brain could think to do was to repeat my love of noodles before making a hasty exit.

So how did I mess it up with the lovely Linda? I told her she used to be a horse! I know, this is not clever, but at the time it sounded very funny in my head given the context of the conversation. She was explaining her love of horse-riding came from when she was young and that she “used to be a….” she paused and I quickly interjected with “horse”. She gave me an odd look.

I then dug my hole further, making it into a large pit, by saying that she used to be a horse and so must have had some kind of operation to become a human. Her odd look got much odder. I then tried to rein in my loose remarks (do you like what I did there?) by adding that I thought the operation had gone very well, thinking she might take this as a compliment! She walked away shortly after that.

Therefore, you cannot call a woman you are chatting up a horse, even if it is technically a little funny. This is the mane point of the tail I have saddled you with.

Related Posts:
Bad Things to Say on a First Date
A New Low in Ridiculous Things to Say on a First Date 

How low do you go?!

Okay here’s the thing, I’m 33 years of age and met this lovely French lady (let’s call her ‘V’) who has agreed to meet me for a date BUT she’s only 20 years old. My friends are divided as to whether I am too old for her or not. She doesn’t know how old I am and several friends suggest strongly I should lie about this. She is going back to France in a couple of months anyway, we’re both adults and it is likely only ever going to be a bit of fun, so what’s the harm?

If 20 years old is too young for me, then what is the lowest age that is acceptable for me? Does it not depend on the person rather than just the age? For example, I have one female friend well into her 30s who is far less emotionally mature than women I know in their early 20s. If V is mature and is happy with the situation, then what is the problem?

Apparently they say, whoever ‘they’ are, that the rule for adults on how low you can go is that you halve your age and add 7. Therefore, at 33, the lowest age I could date is 23.

Friends say that if you want anything long term then it is doomed if there is too much of an age gap. However, there are lots of examples where this isn’t the case. Jonathan Ross is 10 years older than his wife Jane and first started dating her when she was 16. Jerry Lee Lewis married a 13 year old (he was 22) and Michael Douglas is 25 years older than Catherine Zeta Jones. Some people seem to really be against such large age gaps, particularly when the woman is the older party, but then others say when it comes to love, age means nothing.

Will I lie about my age though? Yes, I probably will and have already thought to say 27, but to a 20 year old this is still quite old. Anyone over 25 is old at that age! The reason I expect I will lie is not because I want to deliberately or maliciously deceive her, but because I expect that even if she does like me then there is a chance she will think 33 is just too old.

However, a lie is a lie and if I say I am 27 then I am not giving her the free choice to decide for herself. My flatmate went out with a much older guy when she was 20 and he was 36. They had been going out months before he told her his true age and although she was very shocked they stayed together for a couple of years.

So, I am not pushing for the date to happen and have left the ball in her court as she has my number and needs to contact me to confirm arrangements, but will definitely go if she calls. However, am not sure whether to lie or just maybe avoid the subject completely???

Jake McMillan

No Sex on the First Date?!

I know I’m going to really upset both men and women by saying this, but if a woman wants to have a relationship with a guy then she should not have sex with him on the first night. I’m not religious in any way and firmly believe in the equality of the sexes, but I think there is still an inequality when it comes to sex and I am sorry to say that men are completely to blame.

Even in the 21^st century, rightly or wrongly, men will still judge a woman for going all the way on a first date, even if they are the ones pushing for it to happen. I’m sure lots of men would say they disagree, but even the most liberal man will consciously or subconsciously think less of a woman for doing the humpity bumpity on the first encounter.

It does all depend on the situation and if the woman is just seeking fun then there is no harm at all, but if seeking fun but also kind of hoping this could be something special, then a man, even the good ones, will be less likely to view the woman as a long term potential if she is all too ready for a game of bury the sausage.

This is, of course, completely unfair as it seems okay for men to be proud of their sexual conquests and promiscuity whereas women are judged as being sluts for acting in the same way as it is not ‘lady’ like. I’ve even found myself occasionally judging or feeling disappointed in female friends for getting up to sexy shenanigans with guys they had just met that night, but yet if it was a male friend I would think he’s done well. I’m sure I am not the only guy to think like that.

So ‘ladies’, men are rubbish (I think you knew this already) and have double standards in this area, but don’t let us stop you having your deserved fun. However, if it’s a guy that you think might be a long term potential, then maybe wait a little bit just to be on the safe side. The character Doris from TV’s ‘Gavin & Stacey’ perhaps said it best when advising Stacey on how far to go on the first date, “A kiss, a cuddle, a cheeky finger… just don’t go selling him the whole farm”.

Jake McMillan