The 3 Types of Girlfriend

by Jake McMillan [tongue firmly in cheek]

Since the moment god invented boobs, men have come up with many different ways of categorising women and different types of girlfriend. This ongoing futile activity takes place due to man’s ever optimistic hope of trying to understand women. If you can categorise them, then you can begin to understand them and find strategies for an easy life.

In the history of relationships, no man has yet discovered the sacred path to the promised land where day after day he can happily go about his day without fear of criticism or dealing with emotional outbursts, discussions about what he is thinking, having to apologise for something he apparently did or didn’t do and generally having to work hard to keep the woman from going nuclear.

One common example of categorisation that men in their limited wisdom have proffered, in a number of variations, is around sanity, with women falling into one of the four following types:

1) Insane

2) Very Insane

c) In a mental institution

4) Should be in a mental institution or has escaped from one

Although accurate, this categorisation has not helped in our quest to understand the female human. Regular readers of this blog will already know that I have a fascination with all things toilet related and have privately discussed with other male humans the differences in the way girlfriends and fecund (yeah, it’s a proper word and everything) humans I frequent with approach their toilet visits.

It is at this juncture I would like to present American Robbie Sherrard, who has independently come up with a well observed and analysed categorisation of girlfriends based on their bathroom habits. He has defined three clear different types of girlfriend which he explains articulately and eloquently, although in American, in the video below.

I would like to thank Robbie for this analysis, as if I were to draw a table with the three types, I would be able to very easily put all the non-males I know into their appropriate category. Do you know which category your girlfriend/partner fits into? Are you a girlfriend (not necessarily one of mine) reading this? If so, do you know which category your are?

Now, the next step is for us men to use this analysis to help understand the woman. The quest continues.

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Related Articles
Do You Talk About Poo A Lot Too?
Folding Vs Scrunching
The Dating Milestones
Relationship Deal-breakers
Robbie Sherrard’s Website

38 Worst Chat Up Lines

by Jake McMillan

A mixture of classic, new and truly lame chat up lines … would you dare use any of them?

Do you work at subway? Because you just gave me a foot long.

Roses are red, Violets are blue … I’ve got a knife, get in the Van.

Is your name Frodo? Cause your ring’s getting destroyed

You remind me of my little toe … why? Because I’m gunna bang you on the coffee table later

Rain isn’t the only 7 inches that will get you wet next week.

Are you Jewish? Because you Israeli hot

I’m an astronaut. I’d love to explore Uranus

Are you free tonight? or is it going to cost me

Nice legs … What time do they open?

You have 206 bones in your body, do you want one more?

If you were a transformer, you’d be Optimus Fine.

Is that a ladder in your tights or is it a stairway to heaven?

You’re hot, I’m ugly, let’s make average babies.

Are you from Tennessee? … Cos you’re the only ten I see

Do you have a mirror down your pants? because I can see myself in them

You like exotic animals? Wanna see my snake?

Are you related to Yoda? Because Yo-delicious

If I flip a coin…whats the chance of me getting head?”

Can I stick my Willy wonka in your chocolate factory!

What’s got 232 teeth and holds back the Incredible Hulk? My Zipper!

My magic watch tells me you have no underwear on … oh you do? It must be 15 minutes fast

Just sit on my lap and we’ll talk about the first thing that pops up

Are you legs hurting? ‘Cause you’ve been running through my mind all day

Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m rubbish at poems – show me your tits

Hey baby, do you like seafood? BECAUSE I HAVE CRABS

Do you like owls? I know a cracking owl sanctuary (Alan Partridge)

Would you like to come to a party? It’s in my pants

My love for your is like diarrhoea – I just cant hold it in.

Nice shoes, fancy a fuck?

Do you have any raisins ? No ? How about a Date ?

Hi, my cock just past away… I was wondering if I could bury it inside you

Do you have any Irish in you? Do you want some?

Does my penis taste strange to you..?

Do you have 20p? Because I want to ring my mum and tell her I just met the girl I want to nail in the toilet

Do you work for the post office because I’m sure I saw you checking out my package?

Have a feel of this shirt, do you know what that feels like? Boyfriend material.

Whats the difference between a Ferrari and an erection? I don’t have a Ferrari.

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Your eyes are like spanners – every time you look at me my nuts tighten.

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Related Posts:
Bad Pick up Lines
A Genius Way to Dump Someone
10 Things NOT to do on a First Date 

A Genius Way to Dump Someone?

by Jake McMillan

The following story is absolutely true. Cross my heart and hope to die.
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I was at a good friend’s house and her flatmate was telling us how this guy had ended things with her after about 3-4 weeks of dating. He had found this most amazing, if somewhat ridiculous, way of dumping her without making her think she had done anything wrong or that he didn’t fancy her anymore.

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“It’s not you, it’s me”, is a line that is often used and although it is meant to be a kind way of breaking up, the person hearing it will always think they are actually saying is, “it’s not me, it’s you”. This chap, however, found of way saying, “it’s not you and it’s not me”.

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About a week before he ended things he confided in her that he has a ghost following him around all the time. He doesn’t like to talk to people about it, so he said to her, and mostly life is okay but sometimes the ghost is unhappy with what it is going on and makes his life difficult by talking to him or physically touching him. Nuts huh?

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Well, when he ended things with this girl he said that he really liked her but that the ghost didn’t like him seeing her and he would have to end things as his life would be made really difficult by his spiritual companion.

I never met the guy so I don’t know if he really is haunted by a ghost,or is mad or is just using a line to enable him to finish things nicely with women he dates. Whichever it is, the end result was that he was able to dump her without it being a big emotional deal.

Related Posts:

  Top 5 Terrible Ways to Dump Someone

  The Relationship Evaluation Sketch
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  The Dating Milestones
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  Bad Pickup Lines

The One?

by Jake McMillan

Do you believe in the One? That you have one true soul-mate out there who is absolutely perfect for you above all others?

I hope not.

Believers will say it is just because I have not met mine yet. The reality is you cannot really prove it either way, but regardless of your view on this, it can affect your approach to dating.

Although I do not believe in “the one”, I have had a long relationship that I believed was something special and although it did not go the distance (I ended it), it has coloured my view when meeting potential dates.

I wasn’t looking to meet the same kind of girl, but if I met someone I didn’t get that special feeling for, the feeling that this could be something really special, then I would not be interested. If it didn’t feel as good as the feeling I had when I met the girl from my good relationship, then why should I bother wasting my time and theirs?

Friends said I needed to lower my standards or criteria, but you cannot help the way you feel when you meet someone. I would like to be less ‘picky’, but it is easier said than done.

The first step is to recognise that you are picky when it comes to dating. The next is to realise that some people are what my friend likes to call ‘growers’, that their appeal grows as you get to know them, even if you weren’t initially very attracted to them.

Accept that there are no definite rules of attraction, some people get the love at first sight and others they fall in love with someone they have known or been friends with for many years.

You just don’t know how it might happen so why limit your possibilities? Give that date you weren’t too keen on, but they seemed okay, another chance. Most times your initial feelings about them will stay the same (or get worse!), but every now and again you will be surprised and, who knows, maybe the start of something special you never expected.

Worst 10 Ways of Getting Over an Ex

by Jake McMillan

Here is a short list of things of what NOT TO DO when trying to get over you ex:

1 – Give them an STD or get them pregnant.

2 – Move onto their street or into their apartment building.

3 – Call them on a regular basis.

4 – Tell your friends and family your ex is dead.

5 – Get a tattoo saying ‘I hate [their name]’.

6 – Start dating a relative of theirs.

7 – Become a Nun or Monk.

8 – Kill your ex.

9 – Get extensive plastic surgery to look like them and change your name legally to theirs.

10 – Smear your poo on their front door.