There is a lot of dross in the Twitter world, much of it tweeted by myself, but TV Presenter/Broadcaster Keith Chegwin (@thekeithchegwin) never fails to cheer me up with his fun, silly and gloriously groan-worthy tweets. There is far too much seriousness and hating in the world, so enjoy some of my favourite Keith Chegwin tweets from the last 6 months:
My mates a transvestite – He likes to eat, drink and be Mary
Bored with iphone gags. Leave to others – There’s a Twat for that
Cheryl Cole is looking for a new home…I’ve got a semi she can come and look at
Gareth Gates cancelled comeback gig in Chester. He got in a taxi but ended up in Chichester.
Horse walks in to a bar ‘Why the long face’ Horse says ‘Critics Hate Sex and the City 2′
John Prescott – A man who can light up a room..by moving away from the window
Never trust a man who, when left alone with a tea cosy, doesn’t try it on
Romance is like a game of cards: If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand
Sent a few gold teeth into ‘Cash 4 Gold’. They sent me £100 and the rest of the Mother-In-law back
£500,000 2 meet Prince. Wasn’t long ago when you got to party with Prince like it was £19.99
German shepherd craps on my lawn each morning. Today, he even brought his dog
My wife decided last minute to have an underwater birth. The leisure centre manager was furious
Sad news: Guy who owned Odeon Cinemas has died. His funeral is on Monday @ 2:10, 4:20 & 8:40
Called up the spiritual leader of Tibet. He sent me a bloody goat. Turns out I called Dial A Llama
Don’t see what the fuss is about Gandhi. He only made one film. Then no one ever heard of him again
Mates just had a unsightly mole removed from his willy – He won’t be doing that again
Mrs said she fancied a throw over the end of the bed. Broke two of her teeth as she hit the wardrobe
Can’t sleep. Which is probably good news for everyone else using the M4 near Swindon
Don’t get married just find a woman you hate & buy her a house. It’s a lot easier on you
My lesbian neighbour gave me a Rolex. I think they misunderstood me when I said ‘I wanna watch’
Thanks to Twitter & a Cheggers typo, everyone thinks I’m wanking my dog 3 times a day
Bought a 3D TV. It’s V good. Was watching Rik Waller sing & he stole a chip off my plate
300,000 pounds for John higgins to fix frames! Should’ve gone to SpecSavers
Debt Crisis In Greece: They’ve got bills…they’re multiplying & they’re losing control
Just went on ebay looking 4 a dictaphone. It gave me Gordon Brown’s phone number
Went swimming. Won the 100 metre butterfly. What am I going to do with an insect that big
When the marathon was done by Mars u got a Mars Bar when completed. Flora. Margarine. It’s Virgin this year. Wish I was running
I’d like to say to the old man wearing camouflage gear & using crutches, who stole my wallet. You can hide, but you can’t run
Had my first Easter Cheg! My mate can’t eat ‘em as she’s been diagnosed as morbidly obese. As if she didnt have enough on her plate
News just in. Pier Morgans tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an axe..
Another Chegwin Fact. I invented Tip Ex. True – Correct me if I’m wrong
It’s cold. Need to get a warm hat. It will also help cover my receding hairline which is receding all the way down to my arse
Christmas shopping today. Worried as I have kleptomania. When it gets bad I take something for it
You dont ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”
