38 Worst Chat Up Lines

by Jake McMillan

A mixture of classic, new and truly lame chat up lines … would you dare use any of them?

Do you work at subway? Because you just gave me a foot long.

Roses are red, Violets are blue … I’ve got a knife, get in the Van.

Is your name Frodo? Cause your ring’s getting destroyed

You remind me of my little toe … why? Because I’m gunna bang you on the coffee table later

Rain isn’t the only 7 inches that will get you wet next week.

Are you Jewish? Because you Israeli hot

I’m an astronaut. I’d love to explore Uranus

Are you free tonight? or is it going to cost me

Nice legs … What time do they open?

You have 206 bones in your body, do you want one more?

If you were a transformer, you’d be Optimus Fine.

Is that a ladder in your tights or is it a stairway to heaven?

You’re hot, I’m ugly, let’s make average babies.

Are you from Tennessee? … Cos you’re the only ten I see

Do you have a mirror down your pants? because I can see myself in them

You like exotic animals? Wanna see my snake?

Are you related to Yoda? Because Yo-delicious

If I flip a coin…whats the chance of me getting head?”

Can I stick my Willy wonka in your chocolate factory!

What’s got 232 teeth and holds back the Incredible Hulk? My Zipper!

My magic watch tells me you have no underwear on … oh you do? It must be 15 minutes fast

Just sit on my lap and we’ll talk about the first thing that pops up

Are you legs hurting? ‘Cause you’ve been running through my mind all day

Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m rubbish at poems – show me your tits

Hey baby, do you like seafood? BECAUSE I HAVE CRABS

Do you like owls? I know a cracking owl sanctuary (Alan Partridge)

Would you like to come to a party? It’s in my pants

My love for your is like diarrhoea – I just cant hold it in.

Nice shoes, fancy a fuck?

Do you have any raisins ? No ? How about a Date ?

Hi, my cock just past away… I was wondering if I could bury it inside you

Do you have any Irish in you? Do you want some?

Does my penis taste strange to you..?

Do you have 20p? Because I want to ring my mum and tell her I just met the girl I want to nail in the toilet

Do you work for the post office because I’m sure I saw you checking out my package?

Have a feel of this shirt, do you know what that feels like? Boyfriend material.

Whats the difference between a Ferrari and an erection? I don’t have a Ferrari.

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Your eyes are like spanners – every time you look at me my nuts tighten.

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Related Posts:
Bad Pick up Lines
A Genius Way to Dump Someone
10 Things NOT to do on a First Date 

Women asking men out?

by Jake McMillan

More often than not, it is men who ask out women. It always surprises me why so many women seem to be afraid of asking a man out?

Ignoring all modern social convention and theories about men supposedly being the hunter etc., there are definitely women who in their own words would not dream of asking a man out as they would be too scared to.

Initially, this made no sense to me, but now I think I may understand.

It didn’t make sense at first as men would love it if women asked them out and when it does happen they are usually so surprised and flattered that they generally say yes. Whereas the failure rate of men asking out women is substantially higher.

Men get scared about asking people out, but if we knew we had a reasonable success rate and/or that the person would be very flattered and gracious about being asked out, i.e. when a woman asks a man out, then we would do it more often and not be so shy. This is why it made no sense that women should be shy about it as they have better chance of success.

Because men generally do the asking, we understand the guts it takes to put yourself out there and ask someone out knowing there is a reasonable chance of rejection. This is why we like and appreciate it if someone asks us out for a change.

Women tend not to have that understanding or appreciation and so do not always react to being asked out in the same way. Women hope and expect to be asked out on a regular basis, whereas men don’t expect it to happen at all.

A nice lady approached me on a bus home last week, admittedly she was drunk, but it was actually really nice to be chatted up and certainly made my day.

So any ladies out there too scared to ask a guy out, do it every once in a while as you have nothing to lose and lots to gain as well as having a great chance of being successful.

Bad things to say on a first date

by Jake McMillan

I like to think my desire to discuss fun and controversial topics is a positive attribute, but sometimes it lets me down. Namely, when chatting up women.

My love of fun banter unfortunately overrides the need to be a bit cautious when chatting to someone new. I leap in with potentially controversial topics before getting to know whether they are the type of person who can handle it or would enjoy it.

My defence in all this is that if she can’t handle such topics, which aren’t particularly outrageous, then she probably isn’t the type of woman for me. However, perhaps I could wait for date 2 or 3 before mentioning some topics and perhaps avoid some stuff all together.

Here are conversational topics which I would caution against using on a first date:

That you are a rubbish cook and have a rubbish diet
I met this girl via an internet dating site who said on her profile she really was not much of a cook. However, when I told her about my view on cooking she was quite appalled. Me saying the following things did not go down well:

“I don’t cook, I only heat when I have to”

“The fruit and veg area in the supermarket is just the annoying area you have to walk through to get to the good stuff”

“I pierce a film lid better than anyone I know”

I then spent 5mins explaining the virtues of steamed microwaveable veg.

That you sometimes put a remote control in your mouth
Why this topic came up, I cannot remember? I was on a third date and for some reason I thought it would be a good idea to confess that sometimes when engrossed in a film at home I discover I have put the DVD remote control in my mouth and am actually seeing how far I can get it in. I could usually get my mouth to the Play button but not any further without causing discomfort. I guess I was hoping she would find it funny and that she would offer some embarrassing confession too. Nope. She was silent and just looked at me in a very odd way. There was a fourth date, however.

Bringing up the scrunch or fold debate
As you may know, I love talking about this and enjoy the different arguments people have for their preferred method. Anyway, I mentioned this on a first date only yesterday and she had not heard of this discussion. She was quite a liberally-minded person, but was clearly stunned and said it was not something she had ever thought about before. In her words she was “flummoxed” by the whole conversation.

Suggesting she used to be a Horse
Click here to read the full story on this. I thought I was being funny.

Revealing that you’re an ordained Reverend
After seeing that episode on Friends where Joey gets ordained on the internet, I went online to see if it was really possible. Turns out, it is really quick and easy (check out the Universal Life Church) and within 5mins I was ordained and printed out my certificate. Some people think this is weird, however. I protest this and it has actually led to my really good friend asking me to marry her and her fiancé. I feel very honoured to do this.

Talking about Tampons
Read here for a new low in dumb things to say on a date.

Bad Pickup Lines

Here is a collection of truly awful and funny ‘bad’ pick up lines:

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Where you born on a farm? Because you can certainly raise a cock

I wanna disappear inside of you like a Tampon.

If I were an enzyme, I’d be DNA helicase so I could unzip your genes.

Do you have any Mexican in you …  no? You want some?

Are you wearing space pants? Because your ass is outta this world!!

Are your parents retarded? Because you sure are special.

Let’s get a pizza and fuck. What, you don’t like pizza?

You don’t sweat much for a fat lass, do you?

Your daddy must have been a baker, ’cause you’ve got a nice set of buns

I just moved you to the top of my “To Do List.”

If you don’t go home with me tonight you’re a fucking idiot.

If I flip this coin what do you think my chances are of getting head

Hey baby my name’s Pinocchio! Wanna sit on my face while I tell you lies?

3 more beers and you’ll look pretty.

Just a quicky? The doctors say I’ll be dead by Tuesday

Would you like to try an Australian kiss? It is just like a French kiss, but down under.

Before we start: I don’t have an STD, it’s psoriasis

Nice shoes…wanna fuck?

Did it hurt? When you fell from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face!

Well here I am! What were your other two wishes?

Are you free tonight or will it cost me?

Call me Mr Flinstone, I can make your bedrock”

You Caribbean? Because with that walk Jamaican me crazy

If you were a bogey, I’d pick you first

Wanna come to my party? The one in my pants

I hope your pussy don’t smell like your attitude!

Do you like jewellery? Will have a suck on this, its a real gem

There are 213 bones in a human body, would you like another?

I lost my teddy, can I sleep with you?

I lost my number, can I have yours?

If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U and I together

If I was a squirrel and you were a squirrel, could I put my nuts in your hole?

I heard you got diabetes & I wanna inject you in the bum

I’ve heard you are looking for a good FUCK tonight, I’ve got FCK, all I need is U

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Jake McMillan

How not to chat up Women!

by Jake McMillan

The scene was perfectly set, a weekend in Stockholm for my friend’s birthday with a guaranteed promise of meeting a large number of beautiful Swedish women. Accompanied by my wingman, Ian, it all seemed so promising.  I was a bit dubious about his assertion that Swedish women like to roll around naked in the snow. But I was willing to do some investigating!

The party was attended, as promised, by lots of attractive Swedish women and after the meal we all went back to my friend’s flat for drinks. Stockholm gets very cold at night and thanks to a quality bit of British moaning, I got chatting to the cool, stylish and very lovely Linda. She laughed at my rubbish jokes, she loves football and even confirmed that Swedish women do actually roll around semi-naked in the snow straight after having a sauna. Surely, I was not going to ruin it by saying something dumb? Of course I was.

Unfortunately, I often say something quite ridiculous to women I am trying to impress. I recently got into a conversational cul-de-sac about noodles whilst chatting to a nice lady who was eating some in my office building. I rather too enthusiastically said how great and wonderful they were, but didn’t know what to say next? There followed an embarrassing pause and all my feeble brain could think to do was to repeat my love of noodles before making a hasty exit.

So how did I mess it up with the lovely Linda? I told her she used to be a horse! I know, this is not clever, but at the time it sounded very funny in my head given the context of the conversation. She was explaining her love of horse-riding came from when she was young and that she “used to be a….” she paused and I quickly interjected with “horse”. She gave me an odd look.

I then dug my hole further, making it into a large pit, by saying that she used to be a horse and so must have had some kind of operation to become a human. Her odd look got much odder. I then tried to rein in my loose remarks (do you like what I did there?) by adding that I thought the operation had gone very well, thinking she might take this as a compliment! She walked away shortly after that.

Therefore, you cannot call a woman you are chatting up a horse, even if it is technically a little funny. This is the mane point of the tail I have saddled you with.

Related Posts:
Bad Things to Say on a First Date
A New Low in Ridiculous Things to Say on a First Date