The Best of Keith Chegwin on Twitter

There is a lot of dross in the Twitter world, much of it tweeted by myself, but TV Presenter/Broadcaster Keith Chegwin (@thekeithchegwin) never fails to cheer me up with his fun, silly and gloriously groan-worthy tweets. There is far too much seriousness and hating in the world, so enjoy some of my favourite Keith Chegwin tweets from the last 6 months:

My mates a transvestite – He likes to eat, drink and be Mary

Bored with iphone gags. Leave to others – There’s a Twat for that

Cheryl Cole is looking for a new home…I’ve got a semi she can come and look at

Gareth Gates cancelled comeback gig in Chester. He got in a taxi but ended up in Chichester.

Horse walks in to a bar ‘Why the long face’ Horse says ‘Critics Hate Sex and the City 2′

John Prescott – A man who can light up a room..by moving away from the window

Never trust a man who, when left alone with a tea cosy, doesn’t try it on

Romance is like a game of cards: If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand

Sent a few gold teeth into ‘Cash 4 Gold’. They sent me £100 and the rest of the Mother-In-law back

£500,000 2 meet Prince. Wasn’t long ago when you got to party with Prince like it was £19.99

German shepherd craps on my lawn each morning. Today, he even brought his dog

My wife decided last minute to have an underwater birth. The leisure centre manager was furious

Sad news: Guy who owned Odeon Cinemas has died. His funeral is on Monday @ 2:10, 4:20 & 8:40

Called up the spiritual leader of Tibet. He sent me a bloody goat. Turns out I called Dial A Llama

Don’t see what the fuss is about Gandhi. He only made one film. Then no one ever heard of him again

Mates just had a unsightly mole removed from his willy – He won’t be doing that again

Mrs said she fancied a throw over the end of the bed. Broke two of her teeth as she hit the wardrobe

Can’t sleep. Which is probably good news for everyone else using the M4 near Swindon

Don’t get married just find a woman you hate & buy her a house. It’s a lot easier on you

My lesbian neighbour gave me a Rolex. I think they misunderstood me when I said ‘I wanna watch’

Thanks to Twitter & a Cheggers typo, everyone thinks I’m wanking my dog 3 times a day

Bought a 3D TV. It’s V good. Was watching Rik Waller sing & he stole a chip off my plate

300,000 pounds for John higgins to fix frames! Should’ve gone to SpecSavers

Debt Crisis In Greece: They’ve got bills…they’re multiplying & they’re losing control

Just went on ebay looking 4 a dictaphone. It gave me Gordon Brown’s phone number

Went swimming. Won the 100 metre butterfly. What am I going to do with an insect that big

When the marathon was done by Mars u got a Mars Bar when completed. Flora. Margarine. It’s Virgin this year. Wish I was running

I’d like to say to the old man wearing camouflage gear & using crutches, who stole my wallet. You can hide, but you can’t run

Had my first Easter Cheg! My mate can’t eat ‘em as she’s been diagnosed as morbidly obese. As if she didnt have enough on her plate

News just in. Pier Morgans tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an axe..

Another Chegwin Fact. I invented Tip Ex. True – Correct me if I’m wrong

It’s cold. Need to get a warm hat. It will also help cover my receding hairline which is receding all the way down to my arse

Christmas shopping today. Worried as I have kleptomania. When it gets bad I take something for it

You dont ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”

Why us Brits should be ashamed of the BRITs

Tonight was the 30^th BRIT Awards ceremony at Earls Court and as a somewhat-proud Brit I was totally ashamed at what I saw. For those unfamiliar, The BRIT Awards is just like the Grammys or MTV Awards with similar production values and glamour, but has been organised by the local parish council.

It is meant to showcase British music talent, but has less professionalism than a recent village barn dance I went to. All the good things about the night were not British (Lady GaGa, Jay-Z, Alicia Keys), with the possible exception of Florence and the Machine, Kasabian (who host Peter Kay described as “Leicester’s answer to Aswad”) and a nostalgic Robbie Williams medley at the end.

The Fantastic Non-British Lady GaGa

Peter Kay, who I love but was not at his best, joked at the beginning of the night that the BRITs was “20mins of entertainment stretched over 2 hours”. He was not wrong.

The award presenters were shockingly unrehearsed and every time a presenter tried to be funny or cool, it was just cringe-worthy. Liam Gallagher showed that not all nobends mellow with age. Sam Fox appeared, but without Mick Fleetwood (her partner in the most catastrophic BRIT Awards ever in 1989) it was not nostalgic or ironic, it was just shit. The less said about Gerri Halliwell and Mel B the better. Even the reliable awards show regular Jonathan Ross wore a misjudged silly outfit that made no one laugh.

Mel B & Gerri Halliwell - Unscripted, unfunny and ungood

For some reason, portable microphones were used which I guess allows presenters and award winners to move around more, but often they were carried off stage and had to be clumsily returned. Jonathan Ross was guilty of this and Lady Gaga was not able to give her acceptance speech until he gave it back and jumped off stage in embarrassment.

The British Award winners were inexcusably pathetic and inarticulate. Dizzee Rascal wittered away like he was a 14 year old who’d been given permission to stay up late and had had one too many sips of his mum’s sherry. In contrast Jay-Z was a consummate professional who was grateful, funny and clearly has stayed up late before.

Liam Gallagher. Nob.

The layout of the awards ceremony is that there is a big audience at the front and the music industry and award winners behind drinking at their tables. This means each winner spends about 2 minutes walking up to the stage. As they got closer to the stage many of them would do that quick shuffle that people do when trying to give the impression of running for a bus but not really putting in much effort. Winners were not ushered off the stage and so many did not know which way to go.

Lily Allen accepted her award like a giggling idiot and claimed she was wearing the preposterous bright orange wig she was wearing so that it would be harder for the TV cameras to spot her in the crowd. I understand that all Mi6 undercover operatives use them.

Lily Allen trying not to draw attention to herself?

The British performances were really quite poor, with Cheryl Cole winning the award for worst miming on the night. However, as she was the only performer not to win an award maybe she didn’t think it was worth making an effort? Every BRIT Award was won by someone performing at the event, it was if they knew?

“Jake, are you trying to say the BRIT Awards are a sham?”

“As if!”

The lovely Cheryl Cole

The funniest thing that happened was when I tweeted, in an erudite outburst, that ‘the BRITS is like proper w@nk’. I spelt wank with an @ to save the impressionable twitter world of my rudeness. However, my good friend Adam pointed out that I had inadvertently used (@nk) Nick Kallen’s name in vain. I don’t know who Nick Kallen is you see, but have a feeling he probably gets a lot of tweets accidentally mentioning him.

So not really that funny then, but was still the funniest thing that happened.

The 30^th anniversary show was not a finely tuned, slick music extravaganza that had absorbed the learning and experience of the 29 events that had preceded it. It was another reminder of all the other rubbish BRIT Awards events that had taken place before.

I really hope that other countries do not ever get to see it.

Jake McMillan