38 Worst Chat Up Lines

by Jake McMillan

A mixture of classic, new and truly lame chat up lines … would you dare use any of them?

Do you work at subway? Because you just gave me a foot long.

Roses are red, Violets are blue … I’ve got a knife, get in the Van.

Is your name Frodo? Cause your ring’s getting destroyed

You remind me of my little toe … why? Because I’m gunna bang you on the coffee table later

Rain isn’t the only 7 inches that will get you wet next week.

Are you Jewish? Because you Israeli hot

I’m an astronaut. I’d love to explore Uranus

Are you free tonight? or is it going to cost me

Nice legs … What time do they open?

You have 206 bones in your body, do you want one more?

If you were a transformer, you’d be Optimus Fine.

Is that a ladder in your tights or is it a stairway to heaven?

You’re hot, I’m ugly, let’s make average babies.

Are you from Tennessee? … Cos you’re the only ten I see

Do you have a mirror down your pants? because I can see myself in them

You like exotic animals? Wanna see my snake?

Are you related to Yoda? Because Yo-delicious

If I flip a coin…whats the chance of me getting head?”

Can I stick my Willy wonka in your chocolate factory!

What’s got 232 teeth and holds back the Incredible Hulk? My Zipper!

My magic watch tells me you have no underwear on … oh you do? It must be 15 minutes fast

Just sit on my lap and we’ll talk about the first thing that pops up

Are you legs hurting? ‘Cause you’ve been running through my mind all day

Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m rubbish at poems – show me your tits

Hey baby, do you like seafood? BECAUSE I HAVE CRABS

Do you like owls? I know a cracking owl sanctuary (Alan Partridge)

Would you like to come to a party? It’s in my pants

My love for your is like diarrhoea – I just cant hold it in.

Nice shoes, fancy a fuck?

Do you have any raisins ? No ? How about a Date ?

Hi, my cock just past away… I was wondering if I could bury it inside you

Do you have any Irish in you? Do you want some?

Does my penis taste strange to you..?

Do you have 20p? Because I want to ring my mum and tell her I just met the girl I want to nail in the toilet

Do you work for the post office because I’m sure I saw you checking out my package?

Have a feel of this shirt, do you know what that feels like? Boyfriend material.

Whats the difference between a Ferrari and an erection? I don’t have a Ferrari.

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Your eyes are like spanners – every time you look at me my nuts tighten.

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Related Posts:
Bad Pick up Lines
A Genius Way to Dump Someone
10 Things NOT to do on a First Date 

Bad Pickup Lines

Here is a collection of truly awful and funny ‘bad’ pick up lines:

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Where you born on a farm? Because you can certainly raise a cock

I wanna disappear inside of you like a Tampon.

If I were an enzyme, I’d be DNA helicase so I could unzip your genes.

Do you have any Mexican in you …  no? You want some?

Are you wearing space pants? Because your ass is outta this world!!

Are your parents retarded? Because you sure are special.

Let’s get a pizza and fuck. What, you don’t like pizza?

You don’t sweat much for a fat lass, do you?

Your daddy must have been a baker, ’cause you’ve got a nice set of buns

I just moved you to the top of my “To Do List.”

If you don’t go home with me tonight you’re a fucking idiot.

If I flip this coin what do you think my chances are of getting head

Hey baby my name’s Pinocchio! Wanna sit on my face while I tell you lies?

3 more beers and you’ll look pretty.

Just a quicky? The doctors say I’ll be dead by Tuesday

Would you like to try an Australian kiss? It is just like a French kiss, but down under.

Before we start: I don’t have an STD, it’s psoriasis

Nice shoes…wanna fuck?

Did it hurt? When you fell from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face!

Well here I am! What were your other two wishes?

Are you free tonight or will it cost me?

Call me Mr Flinstone, I can make your bedrock”

You Caribbean? Because with that walk Jamaican me crazy

If you were a bogey, I’d pick you first

Wanna come to my party? The one in my pants

I hope your pussy don’t smell like your attitude!

Do you like jewellery? Will have a suck on this, its a real gem

There are 213 bones in a human body, would you like another?

I lost my teddy, can I sleep with you?

I lost my number, can I have yours?

If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U and I together

If I was a squirrel and you were a squirrel, could I put my nuts in your hole?

I heard you got diabetes & I wanna inject you in the bum

I’ve heard you are looking for a good FUCK tonight, I’ve got FCK, all I need is U

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Jake McMillan

Lame Jokes that are actually Great

Now and again you get a lame joke that is so lame it is actually great.

Have fun with the following!

What is Orange and sounds like a parrot?
A Carrot

Why did the baker have brown hands?
Because he needed a poo

Did you hear about the two aerials that got married recently?
The wedding was awful but the reception was brilliant

A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre…
So the barman gives her one.

What is E.T. short for?
Because he’s got little legs

What kind of bees make milk?
Boobies

Two cannibals are eating a clown, when one cannibal says to the other, “Does this taste funny to you?”

A woman goes to the doctor as she is concerned about a piece of lettuce sticking out of her bottom. “Is it serious?” she asks the doctor who replies, “It could be the tip of the iceberg”.

Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his groin area. The barman asks if he realises he has a wheel on his winkle? The pirate responds, “yeah, its driving me nuts”

Did you hear about the dyslexic man who walked into a bra?

Walked passed the fridge earlier and thought I heard an onion singing a Bee Gee song but when I opened the fridge door it was just a chive talking

Why did the mushroom go to the party?
Because he was a fungi

“Doc, I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home.” “That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.” “Is it common?” “Well, It’s Not Unusual.”

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?
el-if-i-no

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fsh

The advantages of easy origami are two fold.

Why are there no asprins in the jungle?
Because the Parots-ate-em-all

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named ‘Ahmal.’ The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him ‘Juan.’ Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”

A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.

I truly believe in being Frank and Earnest with women. In London I’m Frank and in Birmingham I’m Earnest.

At 40, it is easy to get sex. I live at no.41 so it is no distance at all.

What do you call a woman with one leg?
Ilene

… and finally the classic of classic lame jokes:

What’s brown and sticky?
A stick!

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Jake McMillan