The 3 Types of Girlfriend

by Jake McMillan [tongue firmly in cheek]

Since the moment god invented boobs, men have come up with many different ways of categorising women and different types of girlfriend. This ongoing futile activity takes place due to man’s ever optimistic hope of trying to understand women. If you can categorise them, then you can begin to understand them and find strategies for an easy life.

In the history of relationships, no man has yet discovered the sacred path to the promised land where day after day he can happily go about his day without fear of criticism or dealing with emotional outbursts, discussions about what he is thinking, having to apologise for something he apparently did or didn’t do and generally having to work hard to keep the woman from going nuclear.

One common example of categorisation that men in their limited wisdom have proffered, in a number of variations, is around sanity, with women falling into one of the four following types:

1) Insane

2) Very Insane

c) In a mental institution

4) Should be in a mental institution or has escaped from one

Although accurate, this categorisation has not helped in our quest to understand the female human. Regular readers of this blog will already know that I have a fascination with all things toilet related and have privately discussed with other male humans the differences in the way girlfriends and fecund (yeah, it’s a proper word and everything) humans I frequent with approach their toilet visits.

It is at this juncture I would like to present American Robbie Sherrard, who has independently come up with a well observed and analysed categorisation of girlfriends based on their bathroom habits. He has defined three clear different types of girlfriend which he explains articulately and eloquently, although in American, in the video below.

I would like to thank Robbie for this analysis, as if I were to draw a table with the three types, I would be able to very easily put all the non-males I know into their appropriate category. Do you know which category your girlfriend/partner fits into? Are you a girlfriend (not necessarily one of mine) reading this? If so, do you know which category your are?

Now, the next step is for us men to use this analysis to help understand the woman. The quest continues.

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Related Articles
Do You Talk About Poo A Lot Too?
Folding Vs Scrunching
The Dating Milestones
Relationship Deal-breakers
Robbie Sherrard’s Website

Do You Talk About Poo A Lot Too?

by Jake McMillan

Friends say I talk a lot of shit, or rather, a lot about shit. A good conversation down the pub with friends will typically involve a toilet-related discussion at some point. I don’t always raise the topic, but will always have something to contribute in an enthusiastic manner.

To clarify, I’m not a scatalogical freak … quite the opposite, I cannot stand looking at or smelling poo. My interest in the subject is more sociological as people’s reactions and views about this very normal evey day natural human function are fascinating. We can watch movies with explicit violence and sexual scenes, but someone mentions poo or something toilet related and many people are instantly disgusted and horrified?!

Even the very tame scrunch or fold debate, which is just about how people fold toilet paper before they use it, can be met with disgust. The interest here, for me, is not so much the arguments about which is best/most effective (although I do love this), but more the reaction of people when they realise close friends and loved ones do something different to what they do. We go to the toilet on our own and naturally assume that everyone else does exactly the same as what we do. But they don’t!

The other big difference is to whether people lean or stand up slightly when they wipe. Again, the interest is to see the reactions of people who do the opposite action.

Friend’s say that I have “poo issues” as I never look at my poo before I flush. I also never fart in my pants as I believe that poo particles will soil underwear. This is, as you would expect, mocked heavily by mates but my GP friend told me there was an official study into whether it was okay for surgeons to fart during an operation? The conclusion was that bacteria is actually released during a fart so it’s not good for surgeons to pass wind in the operating theatre. Therefore, not farting in your pants does make sense.

I really do find it fascinating that people find poo discussions so disgusting?! The typical ‘not while I’m eating’ comment puzzles me as it suggests that people are so influenced by just hearing the term poo that they will immediately think their delicious food is now just a turd on their plate. If this were true, then restaurants would not need to employ fancy chefs, waiters could just poo on a plate and bring it customers and describe it as ‘Sir, here is your order, this freshly produced Cumberland Sausage, with hidden herbs and oats, accompanied by mini dumplings, sat in a rustic gravy’. Yum!

There are some odd scatological practices that are quite disgusting, but can still be fun to talk about. For example, imagine you’re in a long term relationship, possibly married, and your partner asks, “Honey, do you have any odd sexual fantasies? Because I have this odd request that you could do for me and in return I can do something for you?“. Of course, you would want to find out what this was? Your partner then explains that they would like you to shit in their mouth! Would you do it?!

This can be a very funny discussion as most people will say “of course not” as it’s disgusting. Then you remind them that they won’t be having shit in their mouth, they would be the one providing the poo and that this would be a one time deal to make their long term partner happy. Then they have to think about it more seriously.

Assume that you say yes, can you imagine the practicalities of doing it?!  Firstly, you need to consider  position and trajectory, you don’t want to miss their mouth. Secondly, you would want to produce a good poo for your partner, but that is hard to guarantee. You don’t want to produce lots of wind at the same time either? Or maybe your partner will like that?

The discussions on poo are never ending! Do you enjoy similar discussions, or am I just a poo freak?!

Related Posts:
Are You a Scruncher or a Folder?
How to Provide Stool Samples
2012  The Year of the Scrunch

Silly ideas for Children’s books Pt 3

CONTINUED from Part 2 of me playing an anonymous joke on an Author’s Agent friend of mine by submitting silly ideas for children’s books.

Day Eight (of ten):

The Little Pony Jesus
Jesus appears to be a typical slightly smaller than average Pony, but he has a secret. In reality he is an angel who has been sent down from heaven to help people with various different problems and situations. All sounds rather sweet, except for the fact that the little pony Jesus is a rubbish angel. He sucks at it. Although he has a general capacity for good, he can’t help but be sarcastic and tell terrible jokes and is generally considered to be an annoying little pony who occassionaly does little pony poos in inappropriate places.

In this first tale, little pony Jesus is assigned to a lovely little girl, Kayleigh, who seems perfectly fine, but is hiding a sadness. Little Pony Jesus tries to help out in his usual inept way and the little girl is very suspicious of him and his annoying and unfunny ways. Eventually Kayleigh warms to the little pony Jesus and she appears to be all happy again and Jesus is happy too.

However, the little pony Jesus discovers that Kayleigh’s secret is not just that she is sad. It turns out she is the daughter of satan who is about to take over from her ill father and launch a campaign of evil and terror across the earth. So the little pony Jesus kills Kayleigh with his little pony hoofs and buries her under big pile of little pony poos.

Day Nine:

Plumpy the Wonder Slug
Plumpy was a slug. However, he wasn’t plump. It was one of those ironic names his friends had given him as he really was the most skinny of slugs.

Plumpy’s skinny frame made him ideally suited to slug modelling and not before long he had become one of the top supermodels and the only male supermodel of the slug fashion world. Plumpy was living it up big style, out all night at wild parties, snorting lots of coke, most of it directly off the chests of his many adoring female slug admirers.

Plumpy was still quite young but living a very adult life. Things were getting out of control as his addiction to drugs and slug hookers began to affect his professional life. He would be late or not turn up at all and when he did show up he would be so out of it he could barely pose for a photo. He was fired from the Calvin Klein underwear campaign.

His slug friends arranged for an intervention and Plumpy went off to the rehab clinic. It was there he met Olivia, another slug who had had her issues. Plumpy and Olivia fell in love and they supported each other and left the clinic completely clear of their addictions.

6mths later Plumpy was not feeling so well and went to the doctor. Plumpy had AIDS and was given only a few weeks to live. He’d also given it to Olivia who died not long after he did.

This tragic and heartwarming story will help young people learn the dangers of drugs and unprotected sexual intercourse., especially with slugs.

This is the penultimate story idea of ten I am putting forward to you.

Day Ten (the ‘big reveal’)

The Grown-up Adventures of Tommy Watkins
Tommy was thirteen and a half and was a sweet kid, but like most boys who are thirteen and a half, he was a cheeky little boy with a juvenile sense of humour. Tommy also yearned to be that little bit older so he could get the attention of girls. All the ones in his year seemed to be interested only in older boys.

He had learned a new trick which he seemed to be enjoying and mastering … the 5-knuckle shuffle. Through one particularly epic session of bashing the bishop, Tommy made a wish just as he had the most monumental climax, so strong that he passed out.

When he woke, Tommy was different. Tommy had a body of a grown up. I know what you’re thinking, this sounds a bit like the plot of the film ‘Big’ with Tom Hanks.

Tommy thought “cool, I don’t have to go to school any more!”. So he didn’t go. He knew he needed one of those job things and decided to call himself a consultant. He wasn’t really sure what they did but it soon became clear that grown ups had no idea either.

He rebranded himself as Tom rather than Tommy so to appear an adult. He managed to get paid employment, a place to live and a gained a whole new group of friends that had no idea he was only 13.

Although he had the body and face of someone about 30-ish years old, Tom was still very juvenile and loved to annoy his new friends with silly jokes and pranks. Tom was also meeting women and loved talking about alternatives to tampons and all things related to poo [Note: this is a clear reference to things I do]. Life was good.

All went wrong when he met this really quite annoying lady called Tilde Squiggle [note: another reference to Hayley and her keen use of the ~ character]. She seemed quite normal and friendly at first, but Tom quickly saw her true colours. She was quite moany and made below standard tea as well as not even having any white sugar?! [note: clear reference to a recent encounter where she only had brown sugar] Tom was only 13 and even he knew you needed white sugar.

Tom decided to annoy Tilde. She worked at some weird job to do with books where she just emailed all day and ate loads of cake. In his cunning yet juvenile way Tom had this plan to email her every day using a made up name with absurd ideas for books.

The first email was sent and she did not respond or engage, but she immediately had suspicions. Further emails arrived and suspicions grew stronger but were denied. The emails continued and still Tilde was not sure where they came from? Was it actually coming from a weirdo? Or which friend could it be playing this joke? Still the emails came and Tilde was confused, bemuddled and annoyed.

Tom had won

The Trauma of Stool Samples

It’s one of those things that you hope you never have to do in life, but I have twice had to give a stool sample for the doctor and they have been the most traumatic experiences of my life. Firstly, they give you a tiny sample jar, which I think is the same as the urine sample jar, which also has a little spatula built into the lid. When the Doctor gave it to me, I couldn’t hold back my horror as there is no way you can poo straight into it. So I asked her if she had any tips on how to use it? Then she had the look of horror as she was quite young and I’m pretty sure no one had asked her that before.

The Doctor told me that the easiest method is to defecate into another receptacle and then scoop the faeces from there into the sample jar. Why do Doctors talk like that? Is there a class at medical school called ‘You can’t say shit or poo to a Patient’? The first stool I had to give was the most traumatic as I was dreading it and put it off for nearly a week (note: I did actually poo during this time, I wasn’t storing it up or anything). When providing a sample, you want to do a good poo and I figured a solid poo would be easier to deal with in an el fresco situation.

My sample kit consisted of the sample jar and the bit of cardboard that Amazon wraps DVDs in when they send them to you. They are actually ideal as you can slide them under the toilet seat and they will reach to the other side of the toilet easily without risk of falling. So all you need to do for Step 1 of the process is do a poo like you would normally. In practice, it doesn’t feel normal though, it feels really weird.

Step 2 of the process is the most traumatic as you have to get some of the poo from your Amazon DVD cardboard to the sample jar and it makes me sick to even think about it again. The first thing that strikes you as you take a pause to mentally prepare yourself for what you need to do next, is that poo, when not in water, really does stink quite a lot. The second thing that strikes you is that the ‘handy’ spatula they provide is utterly pathetic as you push, probe and cut your own poo so it can be placed into the sample jar. I wretched several times before getting enough poo into the sample jar.

Step 3 is the disposal of the remaining poo and the Amazon DVD cardboard. The first is flushed and the second must leave your place of residence immediately!

Step 4 is to take the sample down to your Doctor or hospital. Handy tip here is to have already written your name on the sample jar. Trust me, you don’t want to have to write it on the jar with your own shit inside! By this point you feel good as all the traumatic stuff is out of the way, but Step 4 is actually quite traumatic too, much more than you realise. You have to carry your faeces whilst walking down the street and with other people around. You can’t carry it in your hand so you put it in your pocket and you can still feel the warmth from it. Your poo is really quite warm!

If steps 1-3 weren’t shameful enough for you and you’ve managed to cope with walking down the street holding your own excrement. You then have to hand your shit over to someone else. I had to do it at the GP Surgery reception. I was called forward and the guy said hello and I said I had a sample and very sheepishly handed it over, as if I was passing him drugs, and he held up a plastic tray for me to put it into as he definitely didn’t want to touch it.

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Jake McMillan

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Related Posts:
Folding Vs Scrunching
Do you talk about Poo a lot too?
Leaning Vs Standing
VOTE: Do you Scrunch or Fold? 

What a load of crap!

Huge apologies in advance for the trivial nature of this posting, especially with all the serious problems the world is facing at the moment, but I would like to bring to your attention a new form of profiling based on how you wipe your bottom! I know, I know, this sounds ridiculous, but did you realise that how you buff your behind is different to other people and that your method could reveal something about your personality?

This revelation in differing posterior polishing methods occurred whilst out drinking with an Australian lady. From nowhere she asked me, “Do you scrunch or fold?” I had absolutely no idea what she meant. She explained that people either folded the toilet paper or scrunched it before applying it to their dirty derriere.

After some polling and the setting up of a Facebook group, I discovered this was true with nearly a 50:50 split amongst friends and colleagues. The neat, sensible and more cautious tended to (not always) be Folders and the lazy and carefree tended to be Scrunchers. Both argue that their method achieves better access and is a softer feel. However, Scrunchers suggest their method is quicker, more efficient and keeps their hands further from the ‘danger zone’, whereas Folders believe Scrunchers are not able to clean as thoroughly.

Another drunken party, this time with no Australians present, but with a large proportion who had been there(!), revealed that there is another division of people: those who stand and those who sit during a crevice cleansing session. Sitters lean to one side to gain access whereas Standers actually get up off the seat to sanitize their sphincter. Standers think sitting and leaning is weird and cannot achieve good access, whereas Sitters think standing will lead to extra mess from squishing!

There seems to be no correlation between those who sit or stand with those who prefer to fold or scrunch. Therefore, we all fit into one of the following 4 profiles:

• Folder-Sitter: You seem an open and fun person, but are also quite private and guarded
• Folder-Stander: You are tidy and neat, but also quite practical and like to do things your way;
• Scruncher-Stander: You have a healthy perspective on life and have a good balance of work, play and friendships as well;
• Scruncher-Sitter: You are a lazy so and so, but are actually quite happy with life and a great friend and companion.

So which are you?

Jake McMillan

Further Info:
Do you Scrunch or Fold? (A blog dedicated to the debate)