by Jake McMillan
The scene was perfectly set, a weekend in Stockholm for my friend’s birthday with a guaranteed promise of meeting a large number of beautiful Swedish women. Accompanied by my wingman, Ian, it all seemed so promising. I was a bit dubious about his assertion that Swedish women like to roll around naked in the snow. But I was willing to do some investigating!
The party was attended, as promised, by lots of attractive Swedish women and after the meal we all went back to my friend’s flat for drinks. Stockholm gets very cold at night and thanks to a quality bit of British moaning, I got chatting to the cool, stylish and very lovely Linda. She laughed at my rubbish jokes, she loves football and even confirmed that Swedish women do actually roll around semi-naked in the snow straight after having a sauna. Surely, I was not going to ruin it by saying something dumb? Of course I was.
Unfortunately, I often say something quite ridiculous to women I am trying to impress. I recently got into a conversational cul-de-sac about noodles whilst chatting to a nice lady who was eating some in my office building. I rather too enthusiastically said how great and wonderful they were, but didn’t know what to say next? There followed an embarrassing pause and all my feeble brain could think to do was to repeat my love of noodles before making a hasty exit.
So how did I mess it up with the lovely Linda? I told her she used to be a horse! I know, this is not clever, but at the time it sounded very funny in my head given the context of the conversation. She was explaining her love of horse-riding came from when she was young and that she “used to be a….” she paused and I quickly interjected with “horse”. She gave me an odd look.
I then dug my hole further, making it into a large pit, by saying that she used to be a horse and so must have had some kind of operation to become a human. Her odd look got much odder. I then tried to rein in my loose remarks (do you like what I did there?) by adding that I thought the operation had gone very well, thinking she might take this as a compliment! She walked away shortly after that.
Therefore, you cannot call a woman you are chatting up a horse, even if it is technically a little funny. This is the mane point of the tail I have saddled you with.