Monthly Archives: December 2009

Lame Jokes that are actually Great


Now and again you get a lame joke that is so lame it is actually great.

Have fun with the following!

What is Orange and sounds like a parrot?
A Carrot

Why did the baker have brown hands?
Because he needed a poo

Did you hear about the two aerials that got married recently?
The wedding was awful but the reception was brilliant

A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre…
So the barman gives her one.

What is E.T. short for?
Because he’s got little legs

What kind of bees make milk?
Boobies

Two cannibals are eating a clown, when one cannibal says to the other, “Does this taste funny to you?”

A woman goes to the doctor as she is concerned about a piece of lettuce sticking out of her bottom. “Is it serious?” she asks the doctor who replies, “It could be the tip of the iceberg”.

Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his groin area. The barman asks if he realises he has a wheel on his winkle? The pirate responds, “yeah, its driving me nuts”

Did you hear about the dyslexic man who walked into a bra?

Walked passed the fridge earlier and thought I heard an onion singing a Bee Gee song but when I opened the fridge door it was just a chive talking

Why did the mushroom go to the party?
Because he was a fungi

“Doc, I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home.” “That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.” “Is it common?” “Well, It’s Not Unusual.”

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?
el-if-i-no

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fsh

The advantages of easy origami are two fold.

Why are there no asprins in the jungle?
Because the Parots-ate-em-all

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named ‘Ahmal.’ The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him ‘Juan.’ Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”

A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.

I truly believe in being Frank and Earnest with women. In London I’m Frank and in Birmingham I’m Earnest.

At 40, it is easy to get sex. I live at no.41 so it is no distance at all.

What do you call a woman with one leg?
Ilene

… and finally the classic of classic lame jokes:

What’s brown and sticky?
A stick!

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Jake McMillan


100 per cent Rubbish!


That is it, I’ve had enough! Something needs to be done about people, notably sports people, using percentages incorrectly about their effort, e.g. “I gave it 110%, but next time I’ll give it 120%”. No, no, nooooooo!

You cannot give 120% effort, the maximum effort you can give, by definition, is 100%, no more, that would be impossible.

Athletes and such like either do not understand or don’t want to say they only gave 95% effort last time and this time they’ll give 98% effort. I guess it doesn’t sound as grand to use percentages properly.

And yes I do understand that when used the term is not meant to be taken literally and is meant figuratively. I do not actually believe we are some sort of android with the capability to check a readout which tells us our percentage effort used.

I am against the use of the term as it is not only wrong, but it sounds totally lame and there are many other words and colourful phrases that could be better used instead.

Please give 100% effort and no more (as you can’t) into making sure we stamp this out.

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Jake McMillan


How to be a Sock Genius


You wouldn’t know it to look at me, but I am a bone fide ‘sock genius’ and have been since 1999.

It was in the final year of the 20th Century that I had a sock epiphany. I was living in Wembley and was matching up my recently washed socks and thinking just how a depressing an activity matching up socks is. I imagined a world where my life was joyous and carefree and where I never had to match another sock again. If only it could be real? Well, it can!

I got rid of my collection of socks that had evolved over the years and went out and bought 50 pairs of black socks. Actually, thinking about it, I bought the socks first before getting rid of my old ones as otherwise I would temporarily have no socks to wear. Anyway, since that day I have never had to match up a sock again.

It really is brilliant.

If a sock becomes damaged, I don’t care! I just throw it away, I haven’t lost a whole pair. I just pick up 2 socks from the pile every morning, it is that simple.

Ah, some people say, what about wear rates, some socks will fade faster than others? This is true, but if you buy quality socks and put your newly washed socks underneath already clean socks in your draw, you will get a fairly even wear rate. There will be subtle differences, but only the most anal sock examiner will notice and I make a point of not befriending anal sock examiners.

Note: anal sock examiner refers to a sock examiner who is particularly anal/pedantic about their sock examining and is not a reference to examining socks for an anus. As far as I know there are no such things as anal socks.

So, go out and buy 50 (or more) pairs of black socks and you too can change your life and become a sock genius like me.

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Jake McMillan