How to be a Sock Genius

You wouldn’t know it to look at me, but I am a bone fide ‘sock genius’ and have been since 1999.

It was in the final year of the 20th Century that I had a sock epiphany. I was living in Wembley and was matching up my recently washed socks and thinking just how a depressing an activity matching up socks is. I imagined a world where my life was joyous and carefree and where I never had to match another sock again. If only it could be real? Well, it can!

I got rid of my collection of socks that had evolved over the years and went out and bought 50 pairs of black socks. Actually, thinking about it, I bought the socks first before getting rid of my old ones as otherwise I would temporarily have no socks to wear. Anyway, since that day I have never had to match up a sock again.

It really is brilliant.

If a sock becomes damaged, I don’t care! I just throw it away, I haven’t lost a whole pair. I just pick up 2 socks from the pile every morning, it is that simple.

Ah, some people say, what about wear rates, some socks will fade faster than others? This is true, but if you buy quality socks and put your newly washed socks underneath already clean socks in your draw, you will get a fairly even wear rate. There will be subtle differences, but only the most anal sock examiner will notice and I make a point of not befriending anal sock examiners.

Note: anal sock examiner refers to a sock examiner who is particularly anal/pedantic about their sock examining and is not a reference to examining socks for an anus. As far as I know there are no such things as anal socks.

So, go out and buy 50 (or more) pairs of black socks and you too can change your life and become a sock genius like me.


Jake McMillan

6 responses to “How to be a Sock Genius

  • Linda Baker

    It’s a brilliant idea but, being female, I like to have my socks match my outfit. I do have that problem with matching them up. Sometimes only one makes it into the wash and then has to sit alone somewhere waiting for the other to get clean and join it. The worst problem though, is when one gets a hole in it and the other is perfectly good and an exact match to some blouse or other. I actually put them in a bag to mend! It seems such a sensible idea in this throw away age. It’s really amazing though, that just yesterday, walking through the electronics department at WalMart, I decided to stop mending socks and just pitch them out or make puppets out of them or something. When my sock drawer gets low I will just buy new socks. Your post has just reinforced my determination to NEVER MEND ANOTHER SOCK! It’s my very own epiphany and quite sychronistic, I think, that I read your post at this time. Thank you!

  • Ginny Macdonald

    I don’t see any sock monkeys on here!

  • Martin Killips

    I have done the same thing with wives…always choose one with the same name and then even if they look similar you won’t call the wrong name out at moments of passion. Of course, if you practice polygomy, you’re better off choosing wives with different names else when you jump into bed and shout: “Doris, I’m ready for yer!” you might end up in bed with six women, and that isn’t what you want – is it!?

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