Monthly Archives: January 2010

A Complaint about Fair Trade Bananas


I would like to register a complaint.

It’s about these Fair Trade bananas that I have been purchasing from the supermarket. I am, of course, very much in favour of the concept and work of the Fair Trade Foundation in getting better prices, working conditions and fair terms of trade for farmers and workers in the developing world. This means that the Fair Trade banana is likely to be more expensive than a banana that has been sourced from an area where exploitation may have taken place.

My local supermarket only sells Fair Trade bananas and I am okay with that, my complaint is that the bananas are really not very good and completely bland, even by a banana’s standard. So I am paying over the odds for a crap banana, how on earth can that be a fair trade?!

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Jake McMillan


Why do Couples get to have a Bed?


A friend pointed out the other day the great injustice that takes place when you go to a house party of a friend. I hadn’t really noticed before, but it is so true that couples have always ‘bagged’ one of the beds whereas single people get to sleep on the sofa or on the floor?!

This is a double whammy against singletons. Not only do they sleep alone again, but they have to sleep somewhere uncomfortable. Is it not a bit selfish of couples to take the beds? They get to sleep with someone every night of the year. Surely, for one night they can rough it somewhere and let the single people take the beds?

Come on couples, do the decent thing and be kind to your single friends, the world doesn’t revolve around you.

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Jake McMillan


Bad Pickup Lines


Here is a collection of truly awful and funny ‘bad’ pick up lines:

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Where you born on a farm? Because you can certainly raise a cock

I wanna disappear inside of you like a Tampon.

If I were an enzyme, I’d be DNA helicase so I could unzip your genes.

Do you have any Mexican in you …  no? You want some?

Are you wearing space pants? Because your ass is outta this world!!

Are your parents retarded? Because you sure are special.

Let’s get a pizza and fuck. What, you don’t like pizza?

You don’t sweat much for a fat lass, do you?

Your daddy must have been a baker, ’cause you’ve got a nice set of buns

I just moved you to the top of my “To Do List.”

If you don’t go home with me tonight you’re a fucking idiot.

If I flip this coin what do you think my chances are of getting head

Hey baby my name’s Pinocchio! Wanna sit on my face while I tell you lies?

3 more beers and you’ll look pretty.

Just a quicky? The doctors say I’ll be dead by Tuesday

Would you like to try an Australian kiss? It is just like a French kiss, but down under.

Before we start: I don’t have an STD, it’s psoriasis

Nice shoes…wanna fuck?

Did it hurt? When you fell from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face!

Well here I am! What were your other two wishes?

Are you free tonight or will it cost me?

Call me Mr Flinstone, I can make your bedrock”

You Caribbean? Because with that walk Jamaican me crazy

If you were a bogey, I’d pick you first

Wanna come to my party? The one in my pants

I hope your pussy don’t smell like your attitude!

Do you like jewellery? Will have a suck on this, its a real gem

There are 213 bones in a human body, would you like another?

I lost my teddy, can I sleep with you?

I lost my number, can I have yours?

If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U and I together

If I was a squirrel and you were a squirrel, could I put my nuts in your hole?

I heard you got diabetes & I wanna inject you in the bum

I’ve heard you are looking for a good FUCK tonight, I’ve got FCK, all I need is U

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Jake McMillan


My Favourite Insult of the Noughties


So much pondering has taken place recently of what has happened in the last decade and this is my humble and trivial contribution, my favourite insult of the the last decade.

Note: this is not a polite insult and quite rightly so. If you feel like using it yourself, then please only do it to a friend as a stranger will: (a) not stay for the full insult, or (b) will hit you before the end of the insult.

THE INSULT (to be used when the person has done something stupid or dumb).

YOU: (to THEM) I want you to imagine a big hairy minge?

THEM: What?

YOU: I need you to picture a really big hairy minge? Can you do that? Have you got a picture of that in your head?

THEM: (confused) er, okay, I am picturing it

YOU: Good. Now, I want you to imagine that big hairy minge has now just doubled in size, okay?

THEM: okay

YOU: Right, the minge has now doubled in size again! Can you picture it? Are you seeing this enormous minge?

THEM: yes

YOU: Excellent, well, that’s how much of a twat you are!

Trust me, if you ever get to do this to someone, it is very satisfying. But use discretion!

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Jake McMillan