The Best of Keith Chegwin on Twitter

There is a lot of dross in the Twitter world, much of it tweeted by myself, but TV Presenter/Broadcaster Keith Chegwin (@thekeithchegwin) never fails to cheer me up with his fun, silly and gloriously groan-worthy tweets. There is far too much seriousness and hating in the world, so enjoy some of my favourite Keith Chegwin tweets from the last 6 months:

My mates a transvestite – He likes to eat, drink and be Mary

Bored with iphone gags. Leave to others – There’s a Twat for that

Cheryl Cole is looking for a new home…I’ve got a semi she can come and look at

Gareth Gates cancelled comeback gig in Chester. He got in a taxi but ended up in Chichester.

Horse walks in to a bar ‘Why the long face’ Horse says ‘Critics Hate Sex and the City 2’

John Prescott – A man who can light up a moving away from the window

Never trust a man who, when left alone with a tea cosy, doesn’t try it on

Romance is like a game of cards: If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand

Sent a few gold teeth into ‘Cash 4 Gold’. They sent me £100 and the rest of the Mother-In-law back

£500,000 2 meet Prince. Wasn’t long ago when you got to party with Prince like it was £19.99

German shepherd craps on my lawn each morning. Today, he even brought his dog

My wife decided last minute to have an underwater birth. The leisure centre manager was furious

Sad news: Guy who owned Odeon Cinemas has died. His funeral is on Monday @ 2:10, 4:20 & 8:40

Called up the spiritual leader of Tibet. He sent me a bloody goat. Turns out I called Dial A Llama

Don’t see what the fuss is about Gandhi. He only made one film. Then no one ever heard of him again

Mates just had a unsightly mole removed from his willy – He won’t be doing that again

Mrs said she fancied a throw over the end of the bed. Broke two of her teeth as she hit the wardrobe

Can’t sleep. Which is probably good news for everyone else using the M4 near Swindon

Don’t get married just find a woman you hate & buy her a house. It’s a lot easier on you

My lesbian neighbour gave me a Rolex. I think they misunderstood me when I said ‘I wanna watch’

Thanks to Twitter & a Cheggers typo, everyone thinks I’m wanking my dog 3 times a day

Bought a 3D TV. It’s V good. Was watching Rik Waller sing & he stole a chip off my plate

300,000 pounds for John higgins to fix frames! Should’ve gone to SpecSavers

Debt Crisis In Greece: They’ve got bills…they’re multiplying & they’re losing control

Just went on ebay looking 4 a dictaphone. It gave me Gordon Brown’s phone number

Went swimming. Won the 100 metre butterfly. What am I going to do with an insect that big

When the marathon was done by Mars u got a Mars Bar when completed. Flora. Margarine. It’s Virgin this year. Wish I was running

I’d like to say to the old man wearing camouflage gear & using crutches, who stole my wallet. You can hide, but you can’t run

Had my first Easter Cheg! My mate can’t eat ’em as she’s been diagnosed as morbidly obese. As if she didnt have enough on her plate

News just in. Pier Morgans tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an axe..

Another Chegwin Fact. I invented Tip Ex. True – Correct me if I’m wrong

It’s cold. Need to get a warm hat. It will also help cover my receding hairline which is receding all the way down to my arse

Christmas shopping today. Worried as I have kleptomania. When it gets bad I take something for it

You dont ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”

One response to “The Best of Keith Chegwin on Twitter

  • Tony Cowards

    Most of them are stolen from a mixture of Tim Vine, Milton Jones, Lee Mack and Jimmy Carr (probably via “Sikipedia”), although it’s interesting to see this line from “Only Fools and Horses” make it in;

    “Don’t see what the fuss is about Gandhi. He only made one film. Then no one ever heard of him again”

    As spoken by Trigger, still I guess Chegwin is claiming he wrote that as well and John Sullivan copied him.

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