by Jake McMillan
Feb 2012 UPDATE: Following the resignation of Capello, read my latest England Manager application to the FA
After England’s miserable performance at this year’s World Cup in South Africa I decided to offer my services to the FA (Football Association). Here is a copy of the letter I sent to Alex Horne, Acting Chief Executive.
I will come straight to the point, England’s performance at the World Cup was simply not up to scratch and so I now feel compelled to put myself forward for the position of England Manager and set out the reasons below why I can guarantee success for our national team.
Now is the time to begin new and afresh, to bounce back with a mentally stronger and more able England team. I will deliver this for you.
Completely ignoring my exceptional value (which I’ll get to later), I guarantee achieving success and returning England to a world-leading powerhouse national team, rather than a last 16/quarter-final team as it currently is. In short, I will make the current team actually deliver.
If some of the best footballing minds and managers have not been able to do this, then how will a Consultant from South London be able to achieve such a feat? This would be a cynical view that discounts my multitude of talents and ignores my revolutionary new footballing tactics that the world has never seen before.
The first point I would like to address is the management style and approach. I strongly believe in a disciplined yet highly motivational style of management. Think Gordon Ramsey with less swearing and more vol au vents.
I am of the belief that England players should become more arrogant and cocky. As well as my motivational management style building confidence in the players, I will arrange secret injections of the testicles of each of the players with a safe saline solution to make them larger. This will give them the confident swagger they need to show on the field and also help protect them in free kick situations.
At present, the England Team shows far too much respect to other national squads and I will stop this immediately. I intend to lead by example and will smear my own poo on the opposition dressing room door , their team bus and some of their coaching staff before each game.
To achieve ultimate competition success I will deploy a cunning series of innovative footballing tactics that I have devised. I do not wish to give away my tactics gratis, but the following examples give a flavour of a new approach never yet exploited.
A) Midfield, what is it good for? As a keen student of the game for many years now, I have observed that many of the players can kick the ball quite far and with a reasonable degree of accuracy. Therefore, the requirement of a midfield is negated and once you have removed the midfield you open up a large number of formation and tactical options for attack and defence. To use just one example, a 5-0-5 formation offers super protection at the back whilst also providing many opportunities to outnumber the oppositions defence.
B) The Tank – This attacking formation sees the player with the ball surrounded by all his teammates, thereby protecting him from tackles by the other team. The tank formation allows direct penetrative attacks that can cut through opponent teams and require no footballing skills whatsoever.
C) Formation Switching – To ensure that the opposition remains confused and unable to learn or defend against our system, we will implement a large number of formation switches during a game at random moments. For example, on a given signal all players will suddenly play on the right hand side of the pitch. If executed correctly, this will bewilder opponents and open up scoring opportunities. Other formations to be used in switching include:
(i) Line Formation: The players adopt a 1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1 formation down the centre of the length of the pitch
(ii) Crazy Legs: Players will use no formation at all and run around randomly like a group of mad badgers
(iii) Phallic: the players will form the shape of a male reproductive organ, including the testicles but without the pubic hair
(iv) Barricade: the 10-0-0 formation will be used for maximum defence, which will lull the opposition into a false sense of security and leave them vulnerable to the counter attack
(v) Circle: the players will surround the opposition in a large circle and gradually reduce the size of the circle, drawing all play into the centre circle
D) Underhand Tactics – these, of course, should not be allowed, but every team uses them (e.g. diving, timewasting, etc.) and so I intend to bend the rules as much as they will allow without breaking them to ensure we have a tactical and psychological advantage:
(i) multi-ball – at strategic moments 30 or so footballs will be thrown onto the pitch creating confusion whilst our player with the actual ball proceeds forward into a scoring position.
(ii) shorts-pulling – shirt pulling is common place in the 18 yard box, why has not shorts pulling being tried? This is a far more effective technique, especially with increasingly vain footballers, who will forget their defending assignments to pull up their shorts and protect their modesty rather than the goal.
(iv) magnets – I have spent a great deal of time and research into the use of magnets in football and certain applications will create match-winning possibilities. We will insert small magnets into the football and place magnets with the same polarity into the gloves of the opposition goalkeeper meaning that he will never be able to catch the football due to the repelling nature of the magnets. Likewise opposite polarity magnets will be placed into our keeper’s gloves to aid catching. They may also be placed inside the opponents’ goal, but this may draw attention when the ball doesn’t bounce out and the logistical problems of swapping magnets on goals during halftime will be too risky to use. If this had been applied in South Africa we would have beaten the USA and not had to play Germany in the last 16.
(iv) trapdoors – like in roman gladiatorial times, trap doors may be used to lower people and allow new people (or lions) to come up into the stadium. Not to be overused.
(v) extra players – I may need to check the exact rules on this one, but if footballers not officially representing England “happened” to be on the pitch, they could unofficially help the team with a few passes here and there. Having more players than the opposition is a clear way to create a massive advantage.
(vi) naked women – my extensive research in this area has lead us to the conclusion that men can be easily distracted by beautiful naked women. By fielding a defence full of naked women we will distract the opposing team, retain the ball and go and score (a goal that is).
(vii) inflatable devices – again, this an area massively under-exploited in International football. Here are just a few ways that they can create more than just a competitive advantage: 1) weapon – balloons and inflatable objects are allowed in football stadiums so why not arm each England player with an inflatable hammer? 2) expand size – by giving the goal keeper the opportunity to expand his size, it significantly increases his chance of blocking shots. In fact, I have been negotiating with one manufacturer who claim they can create an inflatable fat suit that will fill the entire goal! 3) additional players – inflatables don’t count as real people and so the defence can be assisted by inflatable football players (e.g. For free kicks). 4) airlift – by holding the ball between the feet and grabbing a large balloon/inflatable, a player can literally fly over the opposition defence and goalkeeper. However, tight training will be required to ensure players do not accidentally fly out of the stadium.
(viii) Psychological – I have just acquired a copy of Photoshop and feel confident I can superimpose a picture of one of the opposition’s mums face onto a pornographic image of a woman being taken from behind. I also have a good contact in the t-shirt trade and can get these photos printed on the England shirts for a very good price. The end result will clearly enrage the opposition and put them off their game
(ix) Rosa Klebb – If you remember this famous baddy from the classic James Bond Film ‘From Russia with Love’, she had a poisoned spike that would stick out of the front of her shoe. I think you can already guess where I am going with this one!
Although not an exhaustive list of my tactics, it clearly demonstrates a brand new and innovative “out of the box” approach that will achieve not only considerably more entertaining games, but certain success for the England team. As a patriotic Englishman, I wish to apply them to our national squad and not take up the rather lucrative offer by the Andorra Football Association for my services.
This brings us to the matter of my fee. Whatever you are paying the current manager, I will accept 80% of this and I am very happy to negotiate performance related bonuses as I feel we should all be motivated and rewarded by success. So for less money, you get greater value and greater success!
I look forward to hearing from you and I hope you will wish to meet in the near future so I can discuss my approach and ideas in more detail. I have one of those Taste London cards and can get us into a Pizza Express with a 2 meals for the price of 1 deal.