Bad things to say on a first date


by Jake McMillan

I like to think my desire to discuss fun and controversial topics is a positive attribute, but sometimes it lets me down. Namely, when chatting up women.

My love of fun banter unfortunately overrides the need to be a bit cautious when chatting to someone new. I leap in with potentially controversial topics before getting to know whether they are the type of person who can handle it or would enjoy it.

My defence in all this is that if she can’t handle such topics, which aren’t particularly outrageous, then she probably isn’t the type of woman for me. However, perhaps I could wait for date 2 or 3 before mentioning some topics and perhaps avoid some stuff all together.

Here are conversational topics which I would caution against using on a first date:


That you are a rubbish cook and have a rubbish diet

I met this girl via an internet dating site who said on her profile she really was not much of a cook. However, when I told her about my view on cooking she was quite appalled. Me saying the following things did not go down well:

“I don’t cook, I only heat when I have to”

“The fruit and veg area in the supermarket is just the annoying area you have to walk through to get to the good stuff”

“I pierce a film lid better than anyone I know”

I then spent 5mins explaining the virtues of steamed microwaveable veg.


That you sometimes put a remote control in your mouth

Why this topic came up, I cannot remember? I was on a third date and for some reason I thought it would be a good idea to confess that sometimes when engrossed in a film at home I discover I have put the DVD remote control in my mouth and am actually seeing how far I can get it in. I could usually get my mouth to the Play button but not any further without causing discomfort. I guess I was hoping she would find it funny and that she would offer some embarrassing confession too. Nope. She was silent and just looked at me in a very odd way. There was a fourth date, however.


Bringing up the scrunch or fold debate
As you may know, I love talking about this and enjoy the different arguments people have for their preferred method. Anyway, I mentioned this on a first date only yesterday and she had not heard of this discussion. She was quite a liberally-minded person, but was clearly stunned and said it was not something she had ever thought about before. In her words she was “flummoxed” by the whole conversation.


Suggesting she used to be a Horse

Click here to read the full story on this. I thought I was being funny.


Revealing that you’re an ordained Reverend

After seeing that episode on Friends where Joey gets ordained on the internet, I went online to see if it was really possible. Turns out, it is really quick and easy (check out the Universal Life Church) and within 5mins I was ordained and printed out my certificate. Some people think this is weird, however. I protest this and it has actually led to my really good friend asking me to marry her and her fiancé. I feel very honoured to do this.

Talking about Tampons
Read here for a new low in dumb things to say on a date.



One response to “Bad things to say on a first date

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