CONTINUED from Part 2 of me playing an anonymous joke on an Author’s Agent friend of mine by submitting silly ideas for children’s books.
Day Eight (of ten):
The Little Pony Jesus
Jesus appears to be a typical slightly smaller than average Pony, but he has a secret. In reality he is an angel who has been sent down from heaven to help people with various different problems and situations. All sounds rather sweet, except for the fact that the little pony Jesus is a rubbish angel. He sucks at it. Although he has a general capacity for good, he can’t help but be sarcastic and tell terrible jokes and is generally considered to be an annoying little pony who occassionaly does little pony poos in inappropriate places.
In this first tale, little pony Jesus is assigned to a lovely little girl, Kayleigh, who seems perfectly fine, but is hiding a sadness. Little Pony Jesus tries to help out in his usual inept way and the little girl is very suspicious of him and his annoying and unfunny ways. Eventually Kayleigh warms to the little pony Jesus and she appears to be all happy again and Jesus is happy too.
However, the little pony Jesus discovers that Kayleigh’s secret is not just that she is sad. It turns out she is the daughter of satan who is about to take over from her ill father and launch a campaign of evil and terror across the earth. So the little pony Jesus kills Kayleigh with his little pony hoofs and buries her under big pile of little pony poos.
Plumpy the Wonder Slug
Plumpy was a slug. However, he wasn’t plump. It was one of those ironic names his friends had given him as he really was the most skinny of slugs.
Plumpy’s skinny frame made him ideally suited to slug modelling and not before long he had become one of the top supermodels and the only male supermodel of the slug fashion world. Plumpy was living it up big style, out all night at wild parties, snorting lots of coke, most of it directly off the chests of his many adoring female slug admirers.
Plumpy was still quite young but living a very adult life. Things were getting out of control as his addiction to drugs and slug hookers began to affect his professional life. He would be late or not turn up at all and when he did show up he would be so out of it he could barely pose for a photo. He was fired from the Calvin Klein underwear campaign.
His slug friends arranged for an intervention and Plumpy went off to the rehab clinic. It was there he met Olivia, another slug who had had her issues. Plumpy and Olivia fell in love and they supported each other and left the clinic completely clear of their addictions.
6mths later Plumpy was not feeling so well and went to the doctor. Plumpy had AIDS and was given only a few weeks to live. He’d also given it to Olivia who died not long after he did.
This tragic and heartwarming story will help young people learn the dangers of drugs and unprotected sexual intercourse., especially with slugs.
This is the penultimate story idea of ten I am putting forward to you.
Day Ten (the ‘big reveal’)
The Grown-up Adventures of Tommy Watkins
Tommy was thirteen and a half and was a sweet kid, but like most boys who are thirteen and a half, he was a cheeky little boy with a juvenile sense of humour. Tommy also yearned to be that little bit older so he could get the attention of girls. All the ones in his year seemed to be interested only in older boys.
He had learned a new trick which he seemed to be enjoying and mastering … the 5-knuckle shuffle. Through one particularly epic session of bashing the bishop, Tommy made a wish just as he had the most monumental climax, so strong that he passed out.
When he woke, Tommy was different. Tommy had a body of a grown up. I know what you’re thinking, this sounds a bit like the plot of the film ‘Big’ with Tom Hanks.
Tommy thought “cool, I don’t have to go to school any more!”. So he didn’t go. He knew he needed one of those job things and decided to call himself a consultant. He wasn’t really sure what they did but it soon became clear that grown ups had no idea either.
He rebranded himself as Tom rather than Tommy so to appear an adult. He managed to get paid employment, a place to live and a gained a whole new group of friends that had no idea he was only 13.
Although he had the body and face of someone about 30-ish years old, Tom was still very juvenile and loved to annoy his new friends with silly jokes and pranks. Tom was also meeting women and loved talking about alternatives to tampons and all things related to poo [Note: this is a clear reference to things I do]. Life was good.
All went wrong when he met this really quite annoying lady called Tilde Squiggle [note: another reference to Hayley and her keen use of the ~ character]. She seemed quite normal and friendly at first, but Tom quickly saw her true colours. She was quite moany and made below standard tea as well as not even having any white sugar?! [note: clear reference to a recent encounter where she only had brown sugar] Tom was only 13 and even he knew you needed white sugar.
Tom decided to annoy Tilde. She worked at some weird job to do with books where she just emailed all day and ate loads of cake. In his cunning yet juvenile way Tom had this plan to email her every day using a made up name with absurd ideas for books.
The first email was sent and she did not respond or engage, but she immediately had suspicions. Further emails arrived and suspicions grew stronger but were denied. The emails continued and still Tilde was not sure where they came from? Was it actually coming from a weirdo? Or which friend could it be playing this joke? Still the emails came and Tilde was confused, bemuddled and annoyed.