Monthly Archives: August 2011

An Email to my Flatmates from our Dishwasher


I posted before about my flatmates and their unusual approach to using dishwashers. I am trying new techniques to subtly teach them how to use it. The alternative would be to actually run some sort of workshop for them, but even I’m not that sad.

Today I forwarded them an email from our Dishwasher:

Dear Masters,

It is an honour to serve you. For as long as I live I shall endeavour to clean your plates, mugs and kitchenware to the best of my abilities.

To that end, it would help me immensely as well as save you from further washing up or cost of running me again to be aware of the following:

– Mugs/Glasses should be vertical on the upper deck, i.e. the bit needing cleaning is facing the washing blades

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– Glasses on the upper deck should be on a stalk or kept wedged in by other objects otherwise they fall over (go horizontal) when the deck is pushed in & won’t be washed properly

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– Objects stacked on top of other objects will not get washed properly

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– Anything with a lot of dirt should be rinsed before putting inside me (sorry, I’m not as good as I once was)

Following this advice will mean I will be less likely to disappoint you and provide you with the shiny and clean crockery, glasses & utensils you deserve.

Your faithful servant,

Glen (the dishwasher)


A Complaint about Vagisil


Following on my fun with complaining to Hampshire Council about the so-called ‘New’ Forest as well as the ridiculous ideas for children’s books, I wrote to the makers of Vagisil, Combe Inc., to complain about the name of the product and suggest some more suitable ones. I know, I know, I have too much time on my hands.

Dear Sirs & Madams,

I am writing to complain about the product you have chosen to name ‘Vagisil’.

To clarify, the product seems to work well as far as I’m aware (as I don’t have a vagina of my own), but my issue lies with the name of the product. It simply is far too vulgar that I cannot bring myself to buy it anymore.

I was in a chemist last week in London (which is a large city in the United Kingdom, where English comes from) and I had to ask the young lady behind the counter for Vagisil as I couldn’t find it on the shelves. Not for me, I hasten to add, but my wife Judy asked me to get some for her emotionally-challenged sister Maggie.

For the record, Judy’s vagina is in good working order, save for a bit of moderate flappage that is normal for a woman of her years. No, it is just for Maggie and I won’t go into all the problems we’ve had in looking after her, but the woman gets yeast everywhere so it is no surprise she gets so many infections.

Returning to the incident in the chemist, it was extremely embarrassing to have to ask the shop assistant for your Vagisil. Not only did she snigger but so did the other shoppers in this small but well appointed local chemist. One senior citizen customer giggled so much she passed wind. I have been a patron of that chemist for years but I don’t think I can show my face in there again.

I do understand that Vagisil is a name that is aptly descriptive, i.e. My Vag(ina) is ill. However, surely the imaginative people at Combe Inc. can come up with a better and more friendly name that upstanding non-vagina owning citizens such as my good self can order free from ridicule?

To help you make a start on this re-branding exercise I have sought the assistance of Maggie’s friend, K-man, from her help group, as he is apparently a marketing whizz who once organised a very successful raffle. I’m not sure I understand all the terms Keith suggested but they seem pleasant and inoffensive to me. What do you think of the following:

• Beaver-ease
• Snatch-soothe
• Muff-mend
• Fannyseptic
• Clunge-cure
• Gash-guard

I’m not sure what your marketing people think, but as a customer I’d be more than willing to go into a chemist and ask for one of these unashamedly.

Let me know what you think? I have to run as Maggie has made a mess on the sofa.

Best

Jake McMillan

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I’m not sure I will get a reply with this one?

Related Posts:
Campaign Against New Forest
Lame Jokes That Are Actually Great
Silly Ideas for Children’s Books
Should I Date Santa?
Truly Awful Pickup Lines

 

 


REVEALED: The Cause of Gaddafi’s Evil


by Jake McMillan


With Colonel Muammar Gaddafi’s 40 year dictatorship all but over, I can exclusively reveal the dark secret about his tyrannical reign of Libya. Muammar was not born evil, but was turned evil due to an odd physical anomaly and an unfortunate accident.

Look closely at his face and you will see that the gap between his nose and his mouth is considerably vast. He has tried to cover this with what seems like a little moustache, but is actually normal sized, but still cannot cover the open landscape between his nostrils and his upper lip.

Gaddafi uses moustache to cover enormous face space

Gaddafi's face space so enormous you can fit a vertical Mars Bar between his nose and mouth

If you compare it to other normal faces, you will see that Col. Gaddafi has a genuine facial defect. It was this defect that would ultimately lead to him turning evil.

Other world leaders don't have Gaddafi's odd face space

Long before he became Colonel, when he was a little boy in fact, he fell asleep in an old ruined house and the gap in his head between his mouth and nose was filled by a rare breed of angry Libyan termites. Since that time, the termites have used a direct connection to his brain to send the man mad.

Evil termites inside Gaddafi's head

Before the termite invasion into his head, Muammar was a sweet boy who was very passive and got on well with his schoolmates. His best friend at school, Abdullah Zanussi, noticed the change in Muammar, “I used to go round to his home. Before the termites took over, he had a lovely kitten called Mr Whiskerson which he absolutely adored. Two weeks after the termites took over he got angry that the kitten had scratched him and so he kicked it off the top of the appartment building.”

Gaddafi's Kitten Mr Whiskerson

Killing his beloved kitten was just the first step towards evil for Muammar as the termites inside his face drove him ever increasingly manically violent and insane. He is constantly irritable and agitated and only evil acts seem to calm him down.

The one exception to this is watching Ricky Gervais. It seems to be the only thing that calms him down. Some have speculated that it is actually Ricky’s laugh that does it, that although it irritates humans, it is very relaxing to termites.

Gervais' laugh calms termites

A formal request has been made by world leaders and high ranking officials in the Libyan rebel army for Ricky Gervais to go to Libya and try to calm Col. Gaddafi face to larger face. Rotund funnyman Gervais, 50, is reported to have said, “Are you havin’ a laugh?”.


10 Great Questions to Ask on A First Date (Bounce Off)


by Jake McMillan (for the Bounce Off site)

There seem to be many sites out in the webosphere that offer advice on good questions to ask on a first date. However, I think a lot of them are quite poor as they are trying to be too clever, too relationship-focused, too confrontational or just too lame (e.g. what is your star sign?).

A good question to ask on a first date is one that helps you get to know the other person better in a relaxed manner as well as keeping conversation flowing in an interesting and fun way.

CLICK HERE to read the questions on the Bounce Off website.


Hampshire Council Response to New Forest Complaint



I wrote an email to the Hampshire County Council Cabinet complaining that the New Forest is not actually new at all, that it was false advertising and demanded the name should be changed (I even offered a few suggestions).

They were quick to respond. Roy Perry replied first.

Next to reply was Colin Davidovitz:

UPDATE: The Leader of the Council, Ken Thornber, was away on holiday when I emailed but he has returned and kindly replied:

 

I thank them all for responding and demonstrating a good sense of humour!

h


Campaign Against the ‘New’ Forest



I was driving through the New Forest (in Hampshire, UK) last weekend and realised that the name New Forest is slightly odd and misleading for a Forest that was established in the 11th Century. I thought I had better write a letter to Hampshire County Council to complain.

The below is a genuine email sent to the entire Cabinet of Hampshire County Council (Ken Thomber, Keith Chapman, Raymond Ellis, Felicity Hindson, Mel Kendall, Keith Mans & Roy Perry):

Dear Sirs and Madam,

I visited the New Forest last weekend for the first time and I was extremely unhappy. I was expecting to see a nice new forest and it was quite clear when I arrived that it had been there for ages!!

Therefore, I am launching a campaign for the ‘New’ Forest to change its name.

It really is a blatant case of false advertising. I made the journey from London, with my wife Judy (and her emotionally challenged sister Maggie), in good faith and when I arrived and realised I had been tricked and deceived by your lies I was very upset and disappointed, so much so that I could not speak for the whole journey home.

Not even a stop at the mostly excellent Fleet Services for a latte and a macaroon could lighten my mood. Judy and Maggie were also quite perturbed, although this was in part due to a questionable banoffee pie they consumed.

When I got home and my anger had subsided, I conducted some research on the world wide interweb and discovered that the so called New Forest is not even remotely new! It has been there since the 11th Century when William I created it as a Royal Forest in about 1079. Your Hampshire CountyCouncil website even talks about Jane Austen visiting it 200 years ago in the early 19th Century.

No, this simply isn’t on and I refuse to let you continue with this increasingly ridiculous charade that dupes innocent people day after day.

The name must be changed to something appropriate, perhaps one of the following:

  • · insert ‘(but actually old)‘ after New Forest in all publicity materials & signs
  • · The Forest formally known as New Forest
  • · The Old Forest (it is nearly 1,000 yrs old after all?)
  • · McMillan Forest (I would be truly humbled)

Please can you get back to me by return with your plan of action to rectify this scandalous error.

I may not reply immediately as I will be going on a short holiday to New York.

Yours sincerely,

Jake McMillan (and Judy, but not Maggie)


 See the response to this email by Hampshire County Council.

If you would also like to make the same complaint to Hampshire County Council, please click here to email all the members of the Cabinet.

I would like to say though that the New Forest is actually very nice and there is lots to see and do there! Check out www.newforest.co.uk



You Need to Work Hard at Doing Nothing


by Jake McMillan

I consider myself a lucky fellow as I find it really easy to do nothing. In fact, I like to think I can ‘do nothing’ better than anyone I know! However, I know many people who struggle in this area.

Consider my former flatmate, Lilly, who finds it impossible to be able to do nothing. I have noticed that women, in particular, find it very difficult to think about nothing. The ability to chill, relax and take it easy is an essential part of creating a life balance and being happy.

It’s easy to say but not always easy to do, especially in the modern world of Facebook, Twitter and mobile phones enabling us to fill up our lives with 24/7 social interaction. Despite it being the 21st century and the age of technology, work is stressful with very long hours. How are on earth are we meant to find the time to do nothing?

First step is to recognise that you NEED time to do nothing. The amount varies from individual to individual, but we all need to do nothing to stay sane. Second step is to make sure you keep space in your diary, schedule or calendar for ‘me time’. Whether ‘me time’ is watching a movie, reading a book, going for a walk or simply having a nap, it needs to happen.

More than ever in history our brains our bombarded with information and we simply need some chill out time to allow our brains to relax and to process and filter all that it has been subjected to.

Although I find it natural to make time to do nothing, people like Lilly find it impossible. So much so that she will feel uncomfortable if she is doing nothing, knowing or thinking that there are things she could or should be doing.

Lilly will always struggle in this area, but she does at least recognise she needs to do better at this. When she moved out I got her a little gift of a bear sitting on a hammock, with ‘Working hard at doing nothing’ written underneath to help provide inspiration.

So, get off your backside, sit back down and start doing nothing!