Category Archives: Fun

Bed Territory Tactics


Bed Territory Tactics

Dear Knowledgeable Reader,

I need your advice!

We all have strengths and weaknesses and I’ve realised that a real deficiency of mine is in the area known as Bed Terrority Tactics (BTT), i.e. the subtle art of maintaining or acquiring extra space whilst sharing a bed. Whilst awake I am very competent at BTT, but soon as I fall asleep whoever is in my bed is able to take advantage (not like that) and monopolise the bed, even cats!

Several years ago I was staying at my parents in my old room and was frustrated by the lack of space by the single bed. Our lovely old cat Nemo came in during the night, as he often did, to sleep on the bed too. As I was in the bed and aware of his presence he went to sleep parallel to me in what was a good use of the limited space. Cue a few hours later and I wake up somewhat uncomfortable only to realise I am right up against the wall! Nemo was no longer parallel to me, but perpendicular and was clearly enjoying all of the bed.

How did he do this? How was I able to relinquish my territory so easily? I’m not looking to monopolise the bed (maybe this is where I go wrong?), but just want to maintain my share of the bed so I have enough space to be comfortable for mid-sleep position readjustments.

If you have any advice or tips, please let me know as every night I seem to lose the bed territory war. As soon as I fall asleep I apparently wave the white flag for the other party to freely come and invade.

For those of you who sniggered at that last sentence, shame on you, you are better than that. Well …

her side his side duvet covers

dog bed hogging

bed hogging


Your HORRORSCOPE for Next Month (GUEST POST)


by MYSTIC DAVE

Funny signs of the zodiac - rude

I’m an expert astrologer and know all about the zodiac signs and all that shit. Here are your horroscopes for next month, please read them very carefully … or don’t, it’s up to you.

MYSTIC DAVE

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ARIES (21st March – 20th April)
Normally the most annoying star sign, this month you take being a pain in the bottom to new levels. The world doesn’t revolve around you! This month you will be presented with lots of opportunities to be a better person and you will ignore them all.

Your unlucky numbers this month: 1,3, 4, 6,7 … I wouldn’t get excited by 2, 5 and 8 either. Avoid 9s.

TAURUS (21st April – 21st May)
Let’s face it, no one really cares about Taureans anyway, you are even duller than you suspect you really are. This month you will be tempted to try out a new joke, please don’t. Make sure you are accompanied/supervised when making any clothing purchases.

Your unlucky numbers this month: try to avoid numbers this month

GEMINI (22nd May – 21st June)
You really do love yourself don’t you? You’re not as half as clever or funny as you think you are. In fact, you are not funny or clever. Just be thankful you have lots of understanding and patient friends and family. This month you will try to cover up a mistake at work, but everyone will know it was you.

Your unlucky numbers this month: all even numbers

CANCER (22nd June – 22nd July)
Could you just shut up already? Why do you insist on going on and on about something that could be explained in 30 secs. Yes, your colleague is rubbish, yes, your friend let you down, maybe they just did it to get away from your monotonous whining. This month you will meet a stranger but it will be completely inconsequential in your life.

Your unlucky numbers this month: I’m not telling you

LEO (23rd July – 22nd August)
God you’re annoying. Is it really necessary to smile quite so much? You can’t really be that happy all the time. Well, this month you will have to use all your fake-smile powers to cope with the rubbish that is coming your way. If you spent less time smiling and more time concentrating on what you should be doing, life would be a lot easier for you.

Your unlucky numbers this month:– you probably think all numbers are lucky don’t you?

VIRGO (23rd August – 23rd September)
Is Virgo even a proper sign? I’m not sure it really qualifies. But hey ho, I don’t make the rules. In any case, what can I say about your also-ran existence for this month? I’m tempted to tell you that this will be a great month of good fortune and finally getting the recognition you think you will deserve. It won’t happen, of course, ever, but you will stupidly go on thinking it might.

Your unlucky numbers this month: All of them. You are just not lucky, deal with it

LIBRA (24th September – 23rd October)
You can take your easy-going nature and shove it up your bottom. It is okay to show some emotion now and again you know? Or are you a robot as we all suspect? This month you will make a number of errors at work and at home. Simply turn yourself off and on again.

Your unlucky numbers this month: 101110101

SCORPIO (24th October – 22nd November)
I’ve never met a nice Scorpio and I probably wouldn’t like you either. That’s because Scorpios are rubbish and totally up themselves. However, you can sometimes be bearable with a drink in your hand, so maybe do this more this month? Your month is not going to be bad. It’s not going to be good either. It will be a totally average month where nothing important or fun happens.

Your unlucky numbers this month: 1, 2, 7 & 9

SAGITTARIUS (23rd November – 21st December)
3 words sum you up: Moan, moan, moan. Life isn’t fair, we all know this, so stop you’re moaning and actually try changing your life yourself rather than waiting for others to bestow good things to you. Wise up already. This month you will ignore this horrorscope and moan your boring head off.

Your unlucky numbers this month: it’s not even worth me telling you

CAPRICORN (22nd December – 20th January)
Capricorns constantly ride the line of being competent members of society and people realising they are complete fruit loops. Good news, you won’t be such a head case this month … well, for you anyway, you will still be way nuttier than a bag of spanner-wielding badgers. Avoid speaking wherever possible.

Your unlucky numbers this month: all numbers between 1 and 1,450

AQUARIUS (21st January – 19th February)
Aquarians are probably the most frustrating people to know. Your artistic and perfectionist qualities mean you are very annoying as you take 3 times as long to do anything, if you ever get around to completing it at all. This month you will start yet another new project you will never finish. Try to avoid promising anything.

Your unlucky numbers this month: half past two

PISCES (20th February – 20th March)
I’m not going to make a joke about you bring fishy, but yet, we can’t deny the fact you are well fishy, like proper fishy, like a stinky fishmonger whose fallen into a big vat of fish after running a marathon. Thank cod, but this month you won’t be quite as selfish as usual (see what I did there?). If you come across an angry dwarf with a knife in a dark alley, run away. Dwarves can be muggers too you racist.

Your unlucky numbers this month: 4, 6 and 12

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most criminal star sign

AQUARIUS - Funny Zodiac Cat Photos (11) ARIES - Funny Zodiac Cat Photos (1) CANCER - Funny Zodiac Cat Photos (4) CAPRICORN - Funny Zodiac Cat Photos (10) GEMINI - Funny Zodiac Cat Photos (3) LEO - Funny Zodiac Cat Photos (5) LIBRA - Funny Zodiac Cat Photos (7) PISCES - Funny Zodiac Cat Photos (12) SAGITTARIUS -Funny Zodiac Cat Photos (9) SCORPIO - Funny Zodiac Cat Photos (8) TAURUS - Funny Zodiac Cat Photos (2) VIRGO - Funny Zodiac Cat Photos (6)


Poll: Would you rather be a Starship Captain or a Ghostbuster?


by Jake McMillan

Ghostbuster Vs Starship Captain

It’s 2013 and you have a choice to be a Starship Captain or a Ghostbuster? Which would you rather be?

Both have their positives and negatives (see below).

STARSHIP CAPTAIN

Positives
– Adventure of discovering new worlds
– Meet aliens (maybe even sexy ones)
– You’re the boss
– Travel at light-speed
– Battle other species
– Act as ambassador/diplomat for humankind
– Use cool technology

Negatives
– Star travel day to day will likely be very boring
– You may never meet aliens, you may spend years on a floating office only to discover some new fungi
– You have to wear the same uniform every single day
– You are away from friends and family for a very long time
– Everybody hates the boss
– You will very rarely go outside and breathe normal air
– The food is likely to be very boring and not fresh
– You might die

GHOSTBUSTER

Positives
– You’re a famous hero with the potential of saving your city from a disaster of biblical proportions
– Day to day you tackle the paranormal and meet people from other dimensions
– You get to wear the Ghostbusters uniform and proton pack
– You work with a fun close-knit team
– You live in an old fire station and get to use a fireman’s pole
– You get to drive in the Ectomobile and sound the siren as you race through town

Negatives
– There are no such thing as ghosts
– Nobody calls
– The only clients you have are mostly insane in the head
– It’s basically a glamorous janitorial role
– Your life as you know it may stop instantaneously and every molecule in your body explode at the speed of light if you cross the streams
– If you fail there will be human sacrifices, dogs and cats living together and mass hysteria

 –

My friend Adam and I discussed this at length as we had opposing views. The argument resulted in with us both wanting a Holodeck, but no definitive answer to the actual question.


My Dark Secret Revealed


by Jake McMillan

Reveal a Secret

I am making public a dark secret I’ve kept hidden for nearly 15 years now. I’ve already told a couple of close friends and they are appalled and disgusted. One of them has barely said two words to me since I let them know.

However, I can’t keep this in any longer. I am not ashamed.

Society should be able to accept me for who I am.

[takes a deep breath] well here goes … I like Dawson’s Creek. I liked it when it was on originally and I still like it now (I’m currently re-watching it).

People have often mocked it for having teenagers that talk like 30 year olds, but I love it for it. 

As a movie geek, what’s not to like about a central wannabe film-maker character (James Van Der Beek) who is obsessed by Spielberg and that has many episodes with homages to classic films, e.g. The Breakfast Club? It was all about relationships, not just romance, but friendships and family relationships from both a male and female perspective. It could be dramatic, it could be funny, it had a good heart but wasn’t completely up its own bottom that it couldn’t be self-deprecating  at times.

Dawson's Creek Title

Also, what’s not to like about the beautiful and lovely Katie Holmes (Joey) and Michelle Williams (Jen)? All the main and supporting characters grew with each season and became more developed as people as their characters became more experienced in life. They started as young adults and the show finished when they had grown up.

Created by Kevin Williamson (of Scream and Vampire Diaries fame), Dawson’s Creek ran for 6 seasons from 1998 – 2003 (128 episodes in total).

It was one of those shows, a bit like Friends, that people absolutely loved in the beginning and then later it became cool to knock it. Friends has become cool again, maybe the same will happen of Dawson’s Creek?

Anyway, stop your judging. I like Dawson’s Creek. Deal with it.


Sainsbury’s Lovers Bagels


by Jake McMillan

Sainsbury's Pack of 4 Multigrain Bagels

I’ve written another letter.

You know, one of those silly complaining ones like I did to Hampshire Council about the New Forest not being new, and to Combe Inc. complaining about the name ‘Vagisil’ or even my application to the English F.A. to be the new England Manager. This time it was to British supermarket Sainsbury’s about their lack of lovers bagels.

‘Lovers Bagels’, or now  just ‘LBs’, is what my flatmate and I call Sainsbury’s multigrain bagels (shown in the photo above). I am not that much of a bagel fan but these ones are really, really good and they are only £1.00 for a pack of four.  However, they run out very quickly at my local Clapham Common store so if I see them I will get them for my flatmate and I, and he does the same for me. Even so, there have been many times we have gone in only to find they have run out. I decided to write a letter … but in my own special way. I found out the name of the manager of the store and posted to him the following:

*** IN CONFIDENCE ***

Dear Vimal,

I am writing to you in the strictest of confidence to request that the bakery at your Clapham Common store make more of what I call Lovers Bagels and to which you have given the moniker ‘pack of 4 multigrain bagels’ (which you currently sell for £1.00). I’ve tried emailing you, but have not got a reply?

Out of all the bagels your store makes, these are most definitely the finest and tastiest. Many times I go into the store just to purchase these bagels and am too often very disappointed to see you have run out of them.

As a perceptive person you may have gathered that this request is not simply about my love for your bagels, it is about another love. An unrequited love.

You see Vimal, it is these bagels, Lovers Bagels or LBs as they are affectionately known by Keith and I, that are so much more than a baked yeasted wheat dough treat.

The thing is, and this must remain between you and I, Keith is the friend of my wife’s emotionally-challenged sister Maggie. He first started coming round last year and I gave him one of my bagels when seeking his marketing knowledge and insight for a cream project I was working on.

Keith loves these bagels as much as I do. If I am in your Sainsbury’s store I will buy them and share them when he comes round, or he will buy them and then share them with me.

I will text him with just two letters ‘LB’ and he will know.

This is why it is so aggravating that you run out of the Lovers Bagels so often.

Vimal, you will have experienced unrequited love I am sure. It hurts doesn’t it? Every time I go into the store and see the empty area on the bagel shelf, it feels like my heart has been ripped out … as it means I won’t get to see him.

You must put in place arrangements to make more on a regular basis, there is much more at stake than you realise.

Be a lover, be a baker.

Jake McMillan

[Below are scanned images of the actual letter sent, just in case you doubt how sad I actually really am]

Lovers Bagels Letter Page 1Lovers Bagels Letter

I waited for a month, but did not get a response. As I had gone to all the trouble of printing the letter and buying a stamp and everything, I sent a follow up letter and gave the option to reply to me by email. I am pleased to report, Vimal sent me a reply:

Vimal Chandarana Sainsburys Reply Email

A massive thank you to Vimal for responding professionally and with good grace/humour!

Also, since my original letter the availability of Lovers Bagels (and other bagels) has increased. They used to have just one shelf, now they have two!

Bagels Sainsburys Clapham Common December 2012


The Leicester Square Google Street View Mystery


by Jake McMillan

Who is this man? What is he doing?

I was using Google Street View yesterday to locate a meeting point in Leicester Square (London) when I noticed a man who looked somewhat suspicious? He is looking at the Google camera car and is holding a pair of quite feminine women’s sandals. I wondered what on earth he was doing?

Okay, so this is hardly a Jack the Ripper type mystery, but I was curious and so using Street View I moved back and forth around this site to see if I could see how this situation arose? When Google captured the Leicester Square images, the area was completely empty.

Have a look for yourself:

After moving around I could see, from the view outside All Bar One on Leicester Street, that the chap is there and the sandals are on the stone bench directly in front of him. He is still looking directly at the Google car.

Moving round and past the mystery man, we can see that these sandals now appear on the ground:

You can see clearly that one sandal is very close to the ticket office and the other is a couple of feet away. However, the mystery man is nowhere to be seen? From the shot of him either picking up or putting down the lady’s sandals, as you move forward to the shots above and passed the sandals, the man cannot be seen? Only as you get closer to the Capital Radio building with the Yates pub at the bottom, do you see the guy appear:

Then further away still and heading north one move, the next shot is the below and the chap seems to be moving towards the sandals:

So, mystery solved right? For whatever reason the guy sees the sandals and goes to pick them up and then puts them on the stone bench.

No. There are few things that do not add up:

  • Why in the shots immediately above is there only one sandal?! There are two sandals in the other shots, with one very close to the ticket booth and the other a couple of feet away. What happened to the other sandal?
  • Where did the guy disappear to in-between the shots of the guy picking up/putting down the shoes to the ones where we see him walking towards the shoes? From other shots (e.g. on Leicester Street heading south) you can see a woman walking and from the change from shot to shot she has not moved very far so the Google car is capturing new images in only a couple of seconds, so where was the mystery guy?
  • Why is the guy picking up the sandals? He is not just putting them out of the way of passers by, he picks them up and takes them all the way to the corner of the Square and puts them down directly in front of where he is standing. Is he taking them home for his girlfriend/wife/himself?
  • Why is he looking so suspicious? No other person in Leicester Square captured is looking at the Google car so intently? The shots of him from Leicester Street are of him facing the car, normally people face outwards from the Square if they are waiting?
  • Is he putting down or picking up the sandals in the initial photo? His pose is one of a person doing this in a hurry rather than casually. Is he about to scarper off with the women’s sandals or is he rushing to put them down before anyone notices but is too late?
  • Did he actually pick the sandals off the ground? Or did he put/throw them there? It is hard to tell what the sequence of events is from the way the Google car captured the images.

This is not as simple as it may seem. Do you have a theory of what happened?


Frankie Boyle Blocked Me on Twitter


by Jake McMillan

Much to my surprise and amusement (and that of my friends), Frankie Boyle blocked me on Twitter earlier today!

I am definitely a Frankie Boyle fan and will often re-tweet him. If you are unaware of his work, then he is a Scottish stand-up comedian whose jokes go right to the edge of what is acceptable, and in some people’s eyes, often goes over it.

For example, in the last 24hrs he has tweeted the following (amongst others):

YOUR CUNT HAS BEEN CONDEMNED’

‘Every Tuesday night I masturbate about an inanimate object. This week it’s Whitney Houston.’

‘If Newcastle was a sound, it would be the noise of an erection puncturing a colostomy bag.

You can see that he pushes the boundaries of what is acceptable and as such is no stranger to controversy. He has notoriously made jokes about the Queen’s vagina (“she is so old that [her] pussy is haunted“), Rebecca Adlington and Katie Price‘s (Jordan) disabled son Harvey (“I have a theory that Jordan married a cage fighter cause she needed someone strong enough to stop Harvey from fuckin’ her.“).

Not everyone will find this type of humour funny and definitely some people will find it offensive, but then all comedy offends someone somewhere.

Okay, so you have enough background and context … earlier today Frankie wrote:

Just thinking how different my life would be if my name was Leroy Powers

I then replied in a way I thought Frankie, of all people, would appreciate … apparently I was wrong. I replied to him:

that’s a bit like a retarded donkey wondering what it would be like to have a foot shoved up its arse instead of a fist’.

Now, that is block-worthy in a lot of people’s books, I just didn’t think it would be for Mr Boyle. He dishes it out and I am quite sure he can take it too … I am guessing he was either having a bad day or, more likely, he was bombarded with abusive-style responses from people like me who think they are being funny, but are clearly not in his league.

In any case, my friends think this is hilarious as although I can be crude at times, I’m generally a polite and diplomatic sort. I can imagine Frankie would respond to this, ‘I didn’t block you for your comment, I just thought you were a boring cunt!‘.