Category Archives: humor

Sainsbury’s Lovers Bagels

by Jake McMillan

Sainsbury's Pack of 4 Multigrain Bagels

I’ve written another letter.

You know, one of those silly complaining ones like I did to Hampshire Council about the New Forest not being new, and to Combe Inc. complaining about the name ‘Vagisil’ or even my application to the English F.A. to be the new England Manager. This time it was to British supermarket Sainsbury’s about their lack of lovers bagels.

‘Lovers Bagels’, or now  just ‘LBs’, is what my flatmate and I call Sainsbury’s multigrain bagels (shown in the photo above). I am not that much of a bagel fan but these ones are really, really good and they are only £1.00 for a pack of four.  However, they run out very quickly at my local Clapham Common store so if I see them I will get them for my flatmate and I, and he does the same for me. Even so, there have been many times we have gone in only to find they have run out. I decided to write a letter … but in my own special way. I found out the name of the manager of the store and posted to him the following:


Dear Vimal,

I am writing to you in the strictest of confidence to request that the bakery at your Clapham Common store make more of what I call Lovers Bagels and to which you have given the moniker ‘pack of 4 multigrain bagels’ (which you currently sell for £1.00). I’ve tried emailing you, but have not got a reply?

Out of all the bagels your store makes, these are most definitely the finest and tastiest. Many times I go into the store just to purchase these bagels and am too often very disappointed to see you have run out of them.

As a perceptive person you may have gathered that this request is not simply about my love for your bagels, it is about another love. An unrequited love.

You see Vimal, it is these bagels, Lovers Bagels or LBs as they are affectionately known by Keith and I, that are so much more than a baked yeasted wheat dough treat.

The thing is, and this must remain between you and I, Keith is the friend of my wife’s emotionally-challenged sister Maggie. He first started coming round last year and I gave him one of my bagels when seeking his marketing knowledge and insight for a cream project I was working on.

Keith loves these bagels as much as I do. If I am in your Sainsbury’s store I will buy them and share them when he comes round, or he will buy them and then share them with me.

I will text him with just two letters ‘LB’ and he will know.

This is why it is so aggravating that you run out of the Lovers Bagels so often.

Vimal, you will have experienced unrequited love I am sure. It hurts doesn’t it? Every time I go into the store and see the empty area on the bagel shelf, it feels like my heart has been ripped out … as it means I won’t get to see him.

You must put in place arrangements to make more on a regular basis, there is much more at stake than you realise.

Be a lover, be a baker.

Jake McMillan

[Below are scanned images of the actual letter sent, just in case you doubt how sad I actually really am]

Lovers Bagels Letter Page 1Lovers Bagels Letter

I waited for a month, but did not get a response. As I had gone to all the trouble of printing the letter and buying a stamp and everything, I sent a follow up letter and gave the option to reply to me by email. I am pleased to report, Vimal sent me a reply:

Vimal Chandarana Sainsburys Reply Email

A massive thank you to Vimal for responding professionally and with good grace/humour!

Also, since my original letter the availability of Lovers Bagels (and other bagels) has increased. They used to have just one shelf, now they have two!

Bagels Sainsburys Clapham Common December 2012

The 3 Types of Girlfriend

by Jake McMillan [tongue firmly in cheek]

Since the moment god invented boobs, men have come up with many different ways of categorising women and different types of girlfriend. This ongoing futile activity takes place due to man’s ever optimistic hope of trying to understand women. If you can categorise them, then you can begin to understand them and find strategies for an easy life.

In the history of relationships, no man has yet discovered the sacred path to the promised land where day after day he can happily go about his day without fear of criticism or dealing with emotional outbursts, discussions about what he is thinking, having to apologise for something he apparently did or didn’t do and generally having to work hard to keep the woman from going nuclear.

One common example of categorisation that men in their limited wisdom have proffered, in a number of variations, is around sanity, with women falling into one of the four following types:

1) Insane

2) Very Insane

c) In a mental institution

4) Should be in a mental institution or has escaped from one

Although accurate, this categorisation has not helped in our quest to understand the female human. Regular readers of this blog will already know that I have a fascination with all things toilet related and have privately discussed with other male humans the differences in the way girlfriends and fecund (yeah, it’s a proper word and everything) humans I frequent with approach their toilet visits.

It is at this juncture I would like to present American Robbie Sherrard, who has independently come up with a well observed and analysed categorisation of girlfriends based on their bathroom habits. He has defined three clear different types of girlfriend which he explains articulately and eloquently, although in American, in the video below.

I would like to thank Robbie for this analysis, as if I were to draw a table with the three types, I would be able to very easily put all the non-males I know into their appropriate category. Do you know which category your girlfriend/partner fits into? Are you a girlfriend (not necessarily one of mine) reading this? If so, do you know which category your are?

Now, the next step is for us men to use this analysis to help understand the woman. The quest continues.

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Robbie Sherrard’s Website

38 Worst Chat Up Lines

by Jake McMillan

A mixture of classic, new and truly lame chat up lines … would you dare use any of them?

Do you work at subway? Because you just gave me a foot long.

Roses are red, Violets are blue … I’ve got a knife, get in the Van.

Is your name Frodo? Cause your ring’s getting destroyed

You remind me of my little toe … why? Because I’m gunna bang you on the coffee table later

Rain isn’t the only 7 inches that will get you wet next week.

Are you Jewish? Because you Israeli hot

I’m an astronaut. I’d love to explore Uranus

Are you free tonight? or is it going to cost me

Nice legs … What time do they open?

You have 206 bones in your body, do you want one more?

If you were a transformer, you’d be Optimus Fine.

Is that a ladder in your tights or is it a stairway to heaven?

You’re hot, I’m ugly, let’s make average babies.

Are you from Tennessee? … Cos you’re the only ten I see

Do you have a mirror down your pants? because I can see myself in them

You like exotic animals? Wanna see my snake?

Are you related to Yoda? Because Yo-delicious

If I flip a coin…whats the chance of me getting head?”

Can I stick my Willy wonka in your chocolate factory!

What’s got 232 teeth and holds back the Incredible Hulk? My Zipper!

My magic watch tells me you have no underwear on … oh you do? It must be 15 minutes fast

Just sit on my lap and we’ll talk about the first thing that pops up

Are you legs hurting? ‘Cause you’ve been running through my mind all day

Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m rubbish at poems – show me your tits

Hey baby, do you like seafood? BECAUSE I HAVE CRABS

Do you like owls? I know a cracking owl sanctuary (Alan Partridge)

Would you like to come to a party? It’s in my pants

My love for your is like diarrhoea – I just cant hold it in.

Nice shoes, fancy a fuck?

Do you have any raisins ? No ? How about a Date ?

Hi, my cock just past away… I was wondering if I could bury it inside you

Do you have any Irish in you? Do you want some?

Does my penis taste strange to you..?

Do you have 20p? Because I want to ring my mum and tell her I just met the girl I want to nail in the toilet

Do you work for the post office because I’m sure I saw you checking out my package?

Have a feel of this shirt, do you know what that feels like? Boyfriend material.

Whats the difference between a Ferrari and an erection? I don’t have a Ferrari.

Your eyes are like spanners – every time you look at me my nuts tighten.

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A Genius Way to Dump Someone
10 Things NOT to do on a First Date 

REVEALED: The Cause of Gaddafi’s Evil

by Jake McMillan

With Colonel Muammar Gaddafi’s 40 year dictatorship all but over, I can exclusively reveal the dark secret about his tyrannical reign of Libya. Muammar was not born evil, but was turned evil due to an odd physical anomaly and an unfortunate accident.

Look closely at his face and you will see that the gap between his nose and his mouth is considerably vast. He has tried to cover this with what seems like a little moustache, but is actually normal sized, but still cannot cover the open landscape between his nostrils and his upper lip.

Gaddafi uses moustache to cover enormous face space

Gaddafi's face space so enormous you can fit a vertical Mars Bar between his nose and mouth

If you compare it to other normal faces, you will see that Col. Gaddafi has a genuine facial defect. It was this defect that would ultimately lead to him turning evil.

Other world leaders don't have Gaddafi's odd face space

Long before he became Colonel, when he was a little boy in fact, he fell asleep in an old ruined house and the gap in his head between his mouth and nose was filled by a rare breed of angry Libyan termites. Since that time, the termites have used a direct connection to his brain to send the man mad.

Evil termites inside Gaddafi's head

Before the termite invasion into his head, Muammar was a sweet boy who was very passive and got on well with his schoolmates. His best friend at school, Abdullah Zanussi, noticed the change in Muammar, “I used to go round to his home. Before the termites took over, he had a lovely kitten called Mr Whiskerson which he absolutely adored. Two weeks after the termites took over he got angry that the kitten had scratched him and so he kicked it off the top of the appartment building.”

Gaddafi's Kitten Mr Whiskerson

Killing his beloved kitten was just the first step towards evil for Muammar as the termites inside his face drove him ever increasingly manically violent and insane. He is constantly irritable and agitated and only evil acts seem to calm him down.

The one exception to this is watching Ricky Gervais. It seems to be the only thing that calms him down. Some have speculated that it is actually Ricky’s laugh that does it, that although it irritates humans, it is very relaxing to termites.

Gervais' laugh calms termites

A formal request has been made by world leaders and high ranking officials in the Libyan rebel army for Ricky Gervais to go to Libya and try to calm Col. Gaddafi face to larger face. Rotund funnyman Gervais, 50, is reported to have said, “Are you havin’ a laugh?”.

Funny Animal Photos

Here are some funny animal photos from around the interweb:

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10 Things NOT to do on a First Date

 by Jake McMillan

1. Arrive drunk

2. Call your ex during the date

3. Bring a gimp mask

4. Return from the bathroom and forget what she looks like

5. Do the ‘Pull my Finger’ gag

6. Talk about lack of improvements in tampon technology

7. Ask her how she feels about a threesome?

8. Suggest she used to be a Horse

9. Try to borrow money from her

10. Spontaneously combust

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A New Low in Ridiculous things to say on a Date

by Jake McMillan

Last week I reached a new low in ridiculous things to say on a date. If you’re unaware of my skill (or lack of it) in this area, then please read here for some examples of really quite stupid things I have said in the past.

On a date last week, for a reason I still do not understand, I raised the topic of the inadequacy of tampons and the lack of development in tampon technology over the years. Why hadn’t they invented something better that women could just shove up there for a week and forget about?

Using a parallel of a tape worm that sits inside the stomach and eats up food, I suggested that they develop a worm that a woman can put up her which laps up her period (and yes I did use the term ‘laps up’).

I don’t think I’ve seen someone look quite so appalled. I did argue there are fishes that eat dead skin, but the damage had been done.