Category Archives: humour

Do You Talk About Poo A Lot Too?


by Jake McMillan

Friends say I talk a lot of shit, or rather, a lot about shit. A good conversation down the pub with friends will typically involve a toilet-related discussion at some point. I don’t always raise the topic, but will always have something to contribute in an enthusiastic manner.

To clarify, I’m not a scatalogical freak … quite the opposite, I cannot stand looking at or smelling poo. My interest in the subject is more sociological as people’s reactions and views about this very normal evey day natural human function are fascinating. We can watch movies with explicit violence and sexual scenes, but someone mentions poo or something toilet related and many people are instantly disgusted and horrified?!

Even the very tame scrunch or fold debate, which is just about how people fold toilet paper before they use it, can be met with disgust. The interest here, for me, is not so much the arguments about which is best/most effective (although I do love this), but more the reaction of people when they realise close friends and loved ones do something different to what they do. We go to the toilet on our own and naturally assume that everyone else does exactly the same as what we do. But they don’t!

The other big difference is to whether people lean or stand up slightly when they wipe. Again, the interest is to see the reactions of people who do the opposite action.

Friend’s say that I have “poo issues” as I never look at my poo before I flush. I also never fart in my pants as I believe that poo particles will soil underwear. This is, as you would expect, mocked heavily by mates but my GP friend told me there was an official study into whether it was okay for surgeons to fart during an operation? The conclusion was that bacteria is actually released during a fart so it’s not good for surgeons to pass wind in the operating theatre. Therefore, not farting in your pants does make sense.

I really do find it fascinating that people find poo discussions so disgusting?! The typical ‘not while I’m eating’ comment puzzles me as it suggests that people are so influenced by just hearing the term poo that they will immediately think their delicious food is now just a turd on their plate. If this were true, then restaurants would not need to employ fancy chefs, waiters could just poo on a plate and bring it customers and describe it as ‘Sir, here is your order, this freshly produced Cumberland Sausage, with hidden herbs and oats, accompanied by mini dumplings, sat in a rustic gravy’. Yum!

There are some odd scatological practices that are quite disgusting, but can still be fun to talk about. For example, imagine you’re in a long term relationship, possibly married, and your partner asks, “Honey, do you have any odd sexual fantasies? Because I have this odd request that you could do for me and in return I can do something for you?“. Of course, you would want to find out what this was? Your partner then explains that they would like you to shit in their mouth! Would you do it?!

This can be a very funny discussion as most people will say “of course not” as it’s disgusting. Then you remind them that they won’t be having shit in their mouth, they would be the one providing the poo and that this would be a one time deal to make their long term partner happy. Then they have to think about it more seriously.

Assume that you say yes, can you imagine the practicalities of doing it?!  Firstly, you need to consider  position and trajectory, you don’t want to miss their mouth. Secondly, you would want to produce a good poo for your partner, but that is hard to guarantee. You don’t want to produce lots of wind at the same time either? Or maybe your partner will like that?

The discussions on poo are never ending! Do you enjoy similar discussions, or am I just a poo freak?!

Related Posts:
Are You a Scruncher or a Folder?
How to Provide Stool Samples
2012  The Year of the Scrunch


Best England Manager would be Alan Latchley


by Jake McMillan

Whilst the FA ponder my application to be England Manager, which they would be foolish to ignore, I have to confess there is one person who would make a better manager of our national side than me. His name is Alan Latchley and he is a mentor to me. He is more than a mentor, he is an inspiration, an acquaintance and someone I once saw on television.

Alan is from Scunthorpe, “a Scunny man through and through” and the person that taught me all I needed to know about football. “Football, she’s a cruel mistress, she’s, she’s more than a mistress. She’s a wife, she’s a mother, she’s a daughter, she’s an errant child. She can make you laugh, she can make you cry.”

An expert on motivation, he pioneered the course ‘Dare to fail’ and whilst managing Manchester City he developed the concept of “equal playing”. “Namely,” he explained, “that if you had skilful players on your team, that was no excuse for them playing better than the others. ‘Cause it makes the other ones feel inferior. And my tactic was to get them all down to exactly the same level.”

Watch his legendary interview with Clive Anderson:


Jake McMillan for England Manager


by Jake McMillan

With the resignation of Fabio Capello, I feel compelled once again to put myself forward as the next England Manager. I have been in touch with the FA Chairman, David Bernstein, and the Vice Chairman, Sir David Richards, and set forward my credentials as follows:


Dear Davids,

I like to shoot from the hip, so let me begin with three simple words:  YOU, NEED, ME.

I don’t need you. But, gentlemen and kind sirs (and any ladies), you need me.

With the national side in its current position, you need to divert from selecting a manager who is a safe choice. Knowing about football, good experience and competency are not enough. In fact, they are of little importance.

There is another way. A better way. The Jake McMillan way.

Results, Excitement, Winning, Motivation, Positivity, Arrogant, Passion, Passing, Jumping, Heading, Celebrating, Winning. You get all these words with Jake McMillan (and, yes, I know winning is mentioned twice). You don’t just get these words. The players get the words. The fans get the words. The only people who don’t get these words are the opposition.

I will impose Jake McMillan’s Three Points Plan to Winning:

Point 1 – Get
Point 2 – 3
Point 3 – Points

I will revolutionise the way England plays football. It will seem like we are playing a different game, like Rugby, but we won’t be, we will be playing football and we will dazzle the world.

My first step will be to turn our talented squad from professional footballers into large-balled gladiators. This is not a metaphor; I will arrange covert injections of the testicles of each of the players with a safe saline solution to make them larger. This will improve confidence of the team and give players a cocky swagger. The opposition, in turn, will be intimidated at the site of our bulging shorts. It will also help protect players in free kick situations.

Sat in my office and swivelling on my Ikea office chair, I give respect to opposition teams, but once inside the stadium we are at war and they will get no such respect from me or any of my players.  I lead by example and smear my own poo on the opposition dressing room door , their team bus and some of their coaching staff before each game.

Stop, I know what you thinking, as genius as I sound, big balls and a sexy swagger are not enough to deliver the World Cup. You are damn right!

I have developed a comprehensive range of the most innovative and cunning footballing tactics ever to be devised that will guarantee that our fair nation, England, will have its hands on the World Cup trophy. I do not wish to give away my tactics gratis, but the following examples give a flavour of a new approach never yet exploited.

A) Midfield, what is it good for? As a keen student of the game for many years now, I have observed that many of the players can kick the ball quite far and with a reasonable degree of accuracy. Therefore, the requirement of a midfield is negated and once you have removed the midfield you open up a large number of formation and tactical options for attack and defence. To use just one example, a 5-0-5 formation offers super protection at the back whilst also providing many opportunities to outnumber the oppositions defence.

B) The Tank – This attacking formation sees the player with the ball surrounded by all his teammates, thereby protecting him from tackles by the other team. The tank formation allows direct penetrative attacks that can cut through opponent teams and require no footballing skills whatsoever.

C) Formation Switching – To ensure that the opposition remains confused and unable to learn or defend against our system, we will implement a large number of formation switches during a game at random moments. For example, on a given signal all players will suddenly play on the right hand side of the pitch. If executed correctly, this will bewilder opponents and open up scoring opportunities. Other formations to be used in switching include:

(i)  Line Formation: The players adopt a 1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1 formation down the centre of the length of the pitch.

(ii) Crazy Legs: Players will use no formation at all and run around randomly like a group of mad badgers. Would you try to tackle a mad badger? I did once. Never again.

(iii) Phallic: the players will form the shape of a male reproductive organ, including the testicles but without the pubic hair.

(iv) Barricade: the 10-0-0 formation will be used for maximum defence, which will lull the opposition into a false sense of security and leave them vulnerable to the counter attack. We may not score, but we will make sure they don’t either.

(v) Circle: the players will surround the opposition in a large circle and gradually reduce the size of the circle, drawing all play into the centre circle.

D) Underhand Tactics – these, of course, should not be allowed, but every team uses them (e.g. diving, time-wasting, etc.) and so I intend to bend the rules as much as they will allow without breaking them to ensure we have a tactical and psychological advantage:

(i) multi-ball at strategic moments 30 or so footballs will be thrown onto the pitch creating confusion whilst our player with the actual ball proceeds forward into a scoring position.

(ii) shorts-pulling – shirt pulling is common place in the 18 yard box, but shorts pulling is under-utilised. This is a far more effective technique, especially with increasingly vain footballers, who will forget their defending assignments to pull up their shorts and protect their modesty rather than the goal.

(iv) magnets – I have spent a great deal of time and research into the use of magnets in football and certain applications will create match-winning possibilities. We will insert small magnets into the football and place magnets with the same polarity into the gloves of the opposition goalkeeper meaning that he will never be able to catch the football due to the repelling nature of the magnets. Likewise opposite polarity magnets will be placed into our keeper’s gloves to aid catching. They may also be placed inside the opponents’ goal, but this may draw attention when the ball doesn’t bounce out and the logistical problems of swapping magnets on goals during halftime will be too risky to use.

(iv) trapdoors like in roman gladiatorial times, trap doors may be used to lower people and allow new people (or lions) to come up into the stadium. Not to be overused.

(v) extra players I may need to check the exact rules on this one, but if footballers not officially representing England “happened” to be on the pitch, they could unofficially help the team with a few passes here and there. Having more players than the opposition is a clear way to create a massive advantage.

(vi) naked women – my extensive and ongoing research in this area has lead us to the conclusion that men can be easily distracted by beautiful naked women. By fielding a defence full of naked women we will distract the opposing team, retain the ball and go and score (a goal that is).

(vii)  inflatable devices – again, this an area massively under-exploited in International football. Here are just a few ways that they can create more than just a competitive advantage: 1) weapon – balloons and inflatable objects are allowed in football stadiums so why not arm each England player with an inflatable hammer? 2) expand size – by giving the goal keeper the opportunity to expand his size, it significantly increases his chance of blocking shots. In fact, I have been negotiating with one manufacturer who claim they can create an inflatable fat suit that will fill the entire goal! 3) additional players – inflatables don’t count as real people and so the defence can be assisted by inflatable football players (e.g. for free kicks). 4) airlift – by holding the ball between the feet and grabbing a large balloon/inflatable, a player can literally fly over the opposition defence and goalkeeper. However, tight training will be required to ensure players do not accidentally fly out of the stadium.

(viii) Psychological – I have just acquired a copy of Photoshop and feel confident I can superimpose a picture of one of the opposition’s mums face onto a pornographic image of a woman being taken from behind. I also have a good contact in the t-shirt trade and can get these photos printed on the England shirts for a very good price. The end result will clearly enrage the opposition and put them off their game.

(ix) Rosa Klebb – If you remember this famous baddy from the classic James Bond Film ‘From Russia with Love’, she had a poisoned spike that would stick out of the front of her shoe. I think you can already guess where I am going with this one!

Right, enough already! If the above has not convinced you to hire me immediately and pay me the fortune I deserve, then please remove your head from your anal sphincter and give me a call. But please shower first for hygiene purposes.

I look forward to hearing from you and I look forward to us holding aloft the World Cup trophy and me admiring the massive balls of our tournament-winning squad.

You. Need. Me.

Jake “3 Points” McMillan


Hampshire Council Response to New Forest Complaint



I wrote an email to the Hampshire County Council Cabinet complaining that the New Forest is not actually new at all, that it was false advertising and demanded the name should be changed (I even offered a few suggestions).

They were quick to respond. Roy Perry replied first.

Next to reply was Colin Davidovitz:

UPDATE: The Leader of the Council, Ken Thornber, was away on holiday when I emailed but he has returned and kindly replied:

 

I thank them all for responding and demonstrating a good sense of humour!

h


Campaign Against the ‘New’ Forest



I was driving through the New Forest (in Hampshire, UK) last weekend and realised that the name New Forest is slightly odd and misleading for a Forest that was established in the 11th Century. I thought I had better write a letter to Hampshire County Council to complain.

The below is a genuine email sent to the entire Cabinet of Hampshire County Council (Ken Thomber, Keith Chapman, Raymond Ellis, Felicity Hindson, Mel Kendall, Keith Mans & Roy Perry):

Dear Sirs and Madam,

I visited the New Forest last weekend for the first time and I was extremely unhappy. I was expecting to see a nice new forest and it was quite clear when I arrived that it had been there for ages!!

Therefore, I am launching a campaign for the ‘New’ Forest to change its name.

It really is a blatant case of false advertising. I made the journey from London, with my wife Judy (and her emotionally challenged sister Maggie), in good faith and when I arrived and realised I had been tricked and deceived by your lies I was very upset and disappointed, so much so that I could not speak for the whole journey home.

Not even a stop at the mostly excellent Fleet Services for a latte and a macaroon could lighten my mood. Judy and Maggie were also quite perturbed, although this was in part due to a questionable banoffee pie they consumed.

When I got home and my anger had subsided, I conducted some research on the world wide interweb and discovered that the so called New Forest is not even remotely new! It has been there since the 11th Century when William I created it as a Royal Forest in about 1079. Your Hampshire CountyCouncil website even talks about Jane Austen visiting it 200 years ago in the early 19th Century.

No, this simply isn’t on and I refuse to let you continue with this increasingly ridiculous charade that dupes innocent people day after day.

The name must be changed to something appropriate, perhaps one of the following:

  • · insert ‘(but actually old)‘ after New Forest in all publicity materials & signs
  • · The Forest formally known as New Forest
  • · The Old Forest (it is nearly 1,000 yrs old after all?)
  • · McMillan Forest (I would be truly humbled)

Please can you get back to me by return with your plan of action to rectify this scandalous error.

I may not reply immediately as I will be going on a short holiday to New York.

Yours sincerely,

Jake McMillan (and Judy, but not Maggie)


 See the response to this email by Hampshire County Council.

If you would also like to make the same complaint to Hampshire County Council, please click here to email all the members of the Cabinet.

I would like to say though that the New Forest is actually very nice and there is lots to see and do there! Check out www.newforest.co.uk



Top 5 Terrible Ways to Dump Someone


by Jake McMillan

Now we all know there are no real ‘good’ ways to dump someone, but here are 5 really quite terrible ways to tell the person you are with that they are dumped:

1. Facebook
Gloriously and publicly mean, a simple change of relationship status without warning from ‘In a relationship’ to ‘Single’ will not only let him/her know the situation but will also let all your mutual friends know the score too.

2. Fake your own death
For the person who really doesn’t want to have to do any dumping, arranging a fake death will do it for you without having to say a word to them. This does require a lot of effort, of course, but does neatly get round dumping someone, as long as they don’t see you post-death.

3. Hire a Barbershop Quartet
If you have trouble saying the words, then hire professionals who will articulate it better than you in a fun and musical way.

4. Restaurant and Run
Take them to a restaurant (a public place where they are less likely to cause a scene) and at a point of your choosing, leave the table and slip the waiter a note to give to them which explains they are dumped. If you are really mean you could wait until the bill is due and tell the waiter it is their birthday and ask them to give them the note as well as singing “Happy Birthday”. Meanwhile you do a runner.

5. The Text
It’s simple, quick and totally mean. However, it completely gets you out of having to have the big old conversation with them about it and you don’t get to see them cry or complain. Simply text them it’s over and say you don’t want to hear from them again and that is it.


Silly ideas for Children’s books Pt 2


CONTINUED from Part 1 of me playing an anonymous joke on an Author’s Agent friend of mine by submitting silly ideas for children’s books.

Day Five (of ten):
Geraldine is a pygmy, but like no other. You see Geraldine is also Steve … and Patricia … and Klaus … and Julio … and Faloola … and finally M-wa-poopala. Geraldine has multiple personality disorder.

‘The 7 Faces of Pygmy’ is a fascinating and intriguing series of stories for kids. The great thing is, you get 7 characters for the price of one, each having its own adventure:

Steve – Sweet, nice but extremely accident prone

Patricia – Is a madame in a knocking shop

Klaus – Believes he is a vampire

Julio – Has amnesia and is trying to find out what happened to him since the ‘accident’

Faloola – Believes she is an author of children’s books and keeps coming up with increasingly ridiculous ideas for books that will never get published (ironic huh?)

M-wa-poopala – a native american from the 19th century who has travelled through time and is struggling to cope with the modern world

Gerladine – She is the main character and the original personality. Geraldine is a bi-sexual loss adjuster from Luton.


Day Six:

The Accountant of Monte Cristo by Alexander DuMaths
The story covers the betrayal of Edmond Dantes (CIMA), his imprisonment, escape and return and revenge as the Accountant of Monte Cristo. At critical areas through the story, the reader must solve mathmatical problems to progress the story, e.g. calculating the amount of time Dantes is in prison in hours and minutes, etc. The book ends with Edmond getting revenge by causing the accountants who betrayed him to have their qualifications stripped away.


Day Seven:

Jemima Pickles and The Great Vajazzler
Told from the point of view of 10 year old Jemima Pickles, she describes her magical encounters with the mysterious and wonderful man known only as ‘The Great Vajazzler’. He vajazzles to the amazement and awe of crowds around the world. He never advertises, but the word soon gets out if he’s going to be vajazzling in your town.

Jemima sneaks backstage and eventually persuades The Great Vajazzler to become his apprentice. She is living the dream to the envy of other kids around the world. All is good, until a rival Vajazzler appears on the scene.


Hayley still had her suspicions, but wasn’t quite sure who was actually sending these emails.

Click here for the final 3 ideas and the ‘big reveal’.