Category Archives: Relationships

Bed Territory Tactics


Bed Territory Tactics

Dear Knowledgeable Reader,

I need your advice!

We all have strengths and weaknesses and I’ve realised that a real deficiency of mine is in the area known as Bed Terrority Tactics (BTT), i.e. the subtle art of maintaining or acquiring extra space whilst sharing a bed. Whilst awake I am very competent at BTT, but soon as I fall asleep whoever is in my bed is able to take advantage (not like that) and monopolise the bed, even cats!

Several years ago I was staying at my parents in my old room and was frustrated by the lack of space by the single bed. Our lovely old cat Nemo came in during the night, as he often did, to sleep on the bed too. As I was in the bed and aware of his presence he went to sleep parallel to me in what was a good use of the limited space. Cue a few hours later and I wake up somewhat uncomfortable only to realise I am right up against the wall! Nemo was no longer parallel to me, but perpendicular and was clearly enjoying all of the bed.

How did he do this? How was I able to relinquish my territory so easily? I’m not looking to monopolise the bed (maybe this is where I go wrong?), but just want to maintain my share of the bed so I have enough space to be comfortable for mid-sleep position readjustments.

If you have any advice or tips, please let me know as every night I seem to lose the bed territory war. As soon as I fall asleep I apparently wave the white flag for the other party to freely come and invade.

For those of you who sniggered at that last sentence, shame on you, you are better than that. Well …

her side his side duvet covers

dog bed hogging

bed hogging


I Hate Weddings


by Jake McMillan

I’m right in the middle of the wedding season at the moment and from the end of April until the beginning of September, all my major social movements are dominated by stag dos, weddings and one bachelorette party (or hen do as we say in the UK). As much as it is very nice to be invited to see a friend get married and be part of their special day, I am not that keen on weddings. In fact, it is hard to know where to begin on the multitude of reasons why weddings are rubbish:

  • They’re all the same – They all follow the exact same format, just slightly different venues and participants. Why are people so hung up on tradition that they can’t do something a bit different?
  • Wedding Service/Church – I am not religious and often neither are the couple getting married, but yet we have to sit through a lot of God and Christ babble. It all seems very hypocritical and false. Also, as lovely as churches are, they are cold, the seats are uncomfortable and many times your view of what is going on is obscured by a massive stone pillar. On top of all this, you are made to sing hymns. Well, I say sing, most people mumble or mouth the words whilst a few good church-going hymn regulars who actually know the song belt out the words.
  • Too Formal – Everyone has to get dressed up very smartly, which I hate (although the trend of no ties being acceptable is helping), and the whole thing is too structured and rigid. It’s only after the meal and speeches that people can really start to relax.
  • Small talk – Weddings inevitably involve banal small talk with people you don’t know. Normally these are with older people who you may suspect are a family member of the bride and groom and because you’ve had a couple of glasses of champagne you are too wary of saying something inappropriate so you come across as unnatural whilst participating in an ultra-boring and totally fruitless conversation.
  • Expensive – Being a guest of a friend’s wedding really is not cheap as I have been painfully finding out this year.
  • Performing a Duty – If it’s a good friend, then you will have to perform various duties and although it’s nice to be able support the couple and make sure their day goes smoothly, it can mean you don’t get to relax and enjoy the day. Because of film stuff I have done, I often get asked to video the wedding and this really is a much bigger job than the couple normally appreciate. It is stressful, you spend the whole wedding day working and then you can spend up to a week editing it.
  • Wedding Invites – these are far too formal and ridiculous, just send me a text message or email of where I need to be.
  • Wedding Gifts – Buying someone a kettle or a saucepan is dull and impersonal. I would rather send them one of my turds in a presentation box.
My ‘proposal’ would be to have the wedding service broadcast on the internet so guests can sit at home and watch in the comfort of their own home, then later in the day we can join them in the evening for a drink and a dance.

Related Posts:
IHateWeddings.com


The 3 Types of Girlfriend


by Jake McMillan [tongue firmly in cheek]

Since the moment god invented boobs, men have come up with many different ways of categorising women and different types of girlfriend. This ongoing futile activity takes place due to man’s ever optimistic hope of trying to understand women. If you can categorise them, then you can begin to understand them and find strategies for an easy life.

In the history of relationships, no man has yet discovered the sacred path to the promised land where day after day he can happily go about his day without fear of criticism or dealing with emotional outbursts, discussions about what he is thinking, having to apologise for something he apparently did or didn’t do and generally having to work hard to keep the woman from going nuclear.

One common example of categorisation that men in their limited wisdom have proffered, in a number of variations, is around sanity, with women falling into one of the four following types:

1) Insane

2) Very Insane

c) In a mental institution

4) Should be in a mental institution or has escaped from one

Although accurate, this categorisation has not helped in our quest to understand the female human. Regular readers of this blog will already know that I have a fascination with all things toilet related and have privately discussed with other male humans the differences in the way girlfriends and fecund (yeah, it’s a proper word and everything) humans I frequent with approach their toilet visits.

It is at this juncture I would like to present American Robbie Sherrard, who has independently come up with a well observed and analysed categorisation of girlfriends based on their bathroom habits. He has defined three clear different types of girlfriend which he explains articulately and eloquently, although in American, in the video below.

I would like to thank Robbie for this analysis, as if I were to draw a table with the three types, I would be able to very easily put all the non-males I know into their appropriate category. Do you know which category your girlfriend/partner fits into? Are you a girlfriend (not necessarily one of mine) reading this? If so, do you know which category your are?

Now, the next step is for us men to use this analysis to help understand the woman. The quest continues.

Related Articles
Do You Talk About Poo A Lot Too?
Folding Vs Scrunching
The Dating Milestones
Relationship Deal-breakers
Robbie Sherrard’s Website


38 Worst Chat Up Lines


by Jake McMillan

A mixture of classic, new and truly lame chat up lines … would you dare use any of them?

Do you work at subway? Because you just gave me a foot long.

Roses are red, Violets are blue … I’ve got a knife, get in the Van.

Is your name Frodo? Cause your ring’s getting destroyed

You remind me of my little toe … why? Because I’m gunna bang you on the coffee table later

Rain isn’t the only 7 inches that will get you wet next week.

Are you Jewish? Because you Israeli hot

I’m an astronaut. I’d love to explore Uranus

Are you free tonight? or is it going to cost me

Nice legs … What time do they open?

You have 206 bones in your body, do you want one more?

If you were a transformer, you’d be Optimus Fine.

Is that a ladder in your tights or is it a stairway to heaven?

You’re hot, I’m ugly, let’s make average babies.

Are you from Tennessee? … Cos you’re the only ten I see

Do you have a mirror down your pants? because I can see myself in them

You like exotic animals? Wanna see my snake?

Are you related to Yoda? Because Yo-delicious

If I flip a coin…whats the chance of me getting head?”

Can I stick my Willy wonka in your chocolate factory!

What’s got 232 teeth and holds back the Incredible Hulk? My Zipper!

My magic watch tells me you have no underwear on … oh you do? It must be 15 minutes fast

Just sit on my lap and we’ll talk about the first thing that pops up

Are you legs hurting? ‘Cause you’ve been running through my mind all day

Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m rubbish at poems – show me your tits

Hey baby, do you like seafood? BECAUSE I HAVE CRABS

Do you like owls? I know a cracking owl sanctuary (Alan Partridge)

Would you like to come to a party? It’s in my pants

My love for your is like diarrhoea – I just cant hold it in.

Nice shoes, fancy a fuck?

Do you have any raisins ? No ? How about a Date ?

Hi, my cock just past away… I was wondering if I could bury it inside you

Do you have any Irish in you? Do you want some?

Does my penis taste strange to you..?

Do you have 20p? Because I want to ring my mum and tell her I just met the girl I want to nail in the toilet

Do you work for the post office because I’m sure I saw you checking out my package?

Have a feel of this shirt, do you know what that feels like? Boyfriend material.

Whats the difference between a Ferrari and an erection? I don’t have a Ferrari.


Your eyes are like spanners – every time you look at me my nuts tighten.

Related Posts:
Bad Pick up Lines
A Genius Way to Dump Someone
10 Things NOT to do on a First Date 


A Genius Way to Dump Someone?


by Jake McMillan
The following story is absolutely true. Cross my heart and hope to die.

I was at a good friend’s house and her flatmate was telling us how this guy had ended things with her after about 3-4 weeks of dating. He had found this most amazing, if somewhat ridiculous, way of dumping her without making her think she had done anything wrong or that he didn’t fancy her anymore.
“It’s not you, it’s me”, is a line that is often used and although it is meant to be a kind way of breaking up, the person hearing it will always think they are actually saying is, “it’s not me, it’s you”. This chap, however, found of way saying, “it’s not you and it’s not me”.
About a week before he ended things he confided in her that he has a ghost following him around all the time. He doesn’t like to talk to people about it, so he said to her, and mostly life is okay but sometimes the ghost is unhappy with what it is going on and makes his life difficult by talking to him or physically touching him. Nuts huh?
Well, when he ended things with this girl he said that he really liked her but that the ghost didn’t like him seeing her and he would have to end things as his life would be made really difficult by his spiritual companion.

I never met the guy so I don’t know if he really is haunted by a ghost,or is mad or is just using a line to enable him to finish things nicely with women he dates. Whichever it is, the end result was that he was able to dump her without it being a big emotional deal.


The One?


by Jake McMillan

Do you believe in the One? That you have one true soul-mate out there who is absolutely perfect for you above all others?

I hope not.

Believers will say it is just because I have not met mine yet. The reality is you cannot really prove it either way, but regardless of your view on this, it can affect your approach to dating.

Although I do not believe in “the one”, I have had a long relationship that I believed was something special and although it did not go the distance (I ended it), it has coloured my view when meeting potential dates.

I wasn’t looking to meet the same kind of girl, but if I met someone I didn’t get that special feeling for, the feeling that this could be something really special, then I would not be interested. If it didn’t feel as good as the feeling I had when I met the girl from my good relationship, then why should I bother wasting my time and theirs?

Friends said I needed to lower my standards or criteria, but you cannot help the way you feel when you meet someone. I would like to be less ‘picky’, but it is easier said than done.

The first step is to recognise that you are picky when it comes to dating. The next is to realise that some people are what my friend likes to call ‘growers’, that their appeal grows as you get to know them, even if you weren’t initially very attracted to them.

Accept that there are no definite rules of attraction, some people get the love at first sight and others they fall in love with someone they have known or been friends with for many years.

You just don’t know how it might happen so why limit your possibilities? Give that date you weren’t too keen on, but they seemed okay, another chance. Most times your initial feelings about them will stay the same (or get worse!), but every now and again you will be surprised and, who knows, maybe the start of something special you never expected.


Worst 10 Ways of Getting Over an Ex


by Jake McMillan

Here is a short list of things of what NOT TO DO when trying to get over you ex:

1 – Give them an STD or get them pregnant.

2 – Move onto their street or into their apartment building.

3 – Call them on a regular basis.

4 – Tell your friends and family your ex is dead.

5 – Get a tattoo saying ‘I hate [their name]’.

6 – Start dating a relative of theirs.

7 – Become a Nun or Monk.

8 – Kill your ex.

9 – Get extensive plastic surgery to look like them and change your name legally to theirs.

10 – Smear your poo on their front door.