Category Archives: sex

Why do Couples get to have a Bed?


A friend pointed out the other day the great injustice that takes place when you go to a house party of a friend. I hadn’t really noticed before, but it is so true that couples have always ‘bagged’ one of the beds whereas single people get to sleep on the sofa or on the floor?!

This is a double whammy against singletons. Not only do they sleep alone again, but they have to sleep somewhere uncomfortable. Is it not a bit selfish of couples to take the beds? They get to sleep with someone every night of the year. Surely, for one night they can rough it somewhere and let the single people take the beds?

Come on couples, do the decent thing and be kind to your single friends, the world doesn’t revolve around you.

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Jake McMillan


Bad Pickup Lines


Here is a collection of truly awful and funny ‘bad’ pick up lines:

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Where you born on a farm? Because you can certainly raise a cock

I wanna disappear inside of you like a Tampon.

If I were an enzyme, I’d be DNA helicase so I could unzip your genes.

Do you have any Mexican in you …  no? You want some?

Are you wearing space pants? Because your ass is outta this world!!

Are your parents retarded? Because you sure are special.

Let’s get a pizza and fuck. What, you don’t like pizza?

You don’t sweat much for a fat lass, do you?

Your daddy must have been a baker, ’cause you’ve got a nice set of buns

I just moved you to the top of my “To Do List.”

If you don’t go home with me tonight you’re a fucking idiot.

If I flip this coin what do you think my chances are of getting head

Hey baby my name’s Pinocchio! Wanna sit on my face while I tell you lies?

3 more beers and you’ll look pretty.

Just a quicky? The doctors say I’ll be dead by Tuesday

Would you like to try an Australian kiss? It is just like a French kiss, but down under.

Before we start: I don’t have an STD, it’s psoriasis

Nice shoes…wanna fuck?

Did it hurt? When you fell from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face!

Well here I am! What were your other two wishes?

Are you free tonight or will it cost me?

Call me Mr Flinstone, I can make your bedrock”

You Caribbean? Because with that walk Jamaican me crazy

If you were a bogey, I’d pick you first

Wanna come to my party? The one in my pants

I hope your pussy don’t smell like your attitude!

Do you like jewellery? Will have a suck on this, its a real gem

There are 213 bones in a human body, would you like another?

I lost my teddy, can I sleep with you?

I lost my number, can I have yours?

If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U and I together

If I was a squirrel and you were a squirrel, could I put my nuts in your hole?

I heard you got diabetes & I wanna inject you in the bum

I’ve heard you are looking for a good FUCK tonight, I’ve got FCK, all I need is U

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Jake McMillan


The Internet Dating Myths


by Jake McMillan

OnlineDating

It’s been around for quite a few years now and Internet Dating has become to most people a fairly acceptable way of meeting new people. Not the only way of meeting people, but just another way of meeting someone. Following some chats with both male and female friends who also partake in online dating I was surprised that they still believed some of the myths of internet dating and had not been aware of some of the cold realities of the process.

Myth:  Online dating is a place where both men and women can and will make the first move with each other

Harsh Reality: Men have to make the first move in the vast majority of cases. Women who do make the first move are ‘probably’ not that attractive.

The virtual dating world unfortunately mirrors the real world and men have to approach women and send the first message. Men who do not bother and just sit back and wait for interest in them will not, unless they are Brad Pitt, get much attention and if or when they do, it will not be from hot chicks.

Hot chicks need only to create their account and wait for the messages from eager men and pick the best ones to reply to. Average-looking women may need to ‘wink’ (or equivalent function) to get a guy’s attention and make it clear they are receptive to a message from them. Minging women need to make more of an effort online and send messages. Whereas all men, minging or otherwise, have to make the effort.

Myth:  Online dating is a quick and easy way to meet great new people

Harsh Reality: It actually takes up a lot of your time, especially if you are a bloke, as you have to play the numbers game to be successful.

You can spend ages trawling through pages of profile pictures, clicking on an individual profile to find out that the main photo was clearly taken a long time ago compared to the others. Rather than search the profile for positives, you end up searching it to see if they have things that put you off, like, for example, whether they are slim or fat, tall or short, divorced, have kids, whether they drink or not, or if they are religious and if they can write a coherent sentence? Why do so many people put up group photos when the photo is so small you cannot make out the person? Or if they do, they put up a picture where they are standing next to someone who is far more attractive? I’m always suspicious of profiles where you do not get to see their face that clearly in more than one photo.

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Myth:  Women will judge men on their witty and personal opening message

Harsh Reality: Rubbish. They may not even read it. Like men, they will judge you on your profile picture and if you don’t look too bad they may even read some of your profile and if they fancy you they will reply despite what your opening message says.

I’ve heard some women complain that the opening message from a guy seems like it has been copied and pasted or is not more of an effort than ‘How’s it going?’ The majority of the time this is probably true as men know there is absolutely no point spending ages crafting a personalised and humorous message as chances are it won’t even get read. A friend of mine had automated rejection emails from girls who hadn’t even read his message!

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Not so much a myth, but it surprises a lot of people how impolite Internet Dating can be as it seems to have its own social conventions and etiquette. For example, if you start chatting/messaging someone it is perfectly acceptable to stop communicating with them without explanation or a goodbye. Even if you meet up with someone, people will just stop communicating without having to go through the awkward, “sorry, I’m just not interested” conversation.

I’ve noticed that in London particularly, and this is probably true of other big cities, that people tend to play games more, which I really hate. It all seems rather false.

That being said I have met some really nice people through online dating, but think I may take a break from it for a while. Of late, I seem to have done better meeting people I like the old fashioned way!

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Related Posts:
The Dating Milestones
Internet First Dates
Women Asking Men Out?
Top 5 Terrible Ways to Dump Someone 


What exactly is a Dirty Girl?


I got into a conversation with this drunken Irish girl I met the other day (I wonder how many stories start this way?) and somehow, I am sure it was my fault, we got onto the topic of what exactly constitutes a ‘Dirty Girl’? What does a girl have to do to qualify for this moniker?

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Even though the Irish girl was really quite drunk, I must say she objected completely to the whole usage of the term ‘dirty girl’ but did have to accept that some people, mainly men, do use it. Clearly, it is somewhat of a subjective issue, but there must be some generally accepted criteria of what is or isn’t dirty for a girl. It’s different for a boy, of course, but we’ll get to that in a mo.

The dirty line seems to gravitate around anal sex. To some, a woman who does anal sex could be conceived as dirty, but to others this could be quite tame and standard. We came to an agreement that a woman who asks for anal sex is probably a Dirty Girl. We also agreed that a woman who asks you to shit in her mouth is definitely dirty.

It is slightly unfair to women that there isn’t an equivalent ‘Dirty Boy’, but if there was then the dirty line would be very different as there is an assumption that men are automatically dirty whereas women are perceived to be more pure and less experimental sexually. This is, of course, complete guff.

Dirty Girl is not always used by men as an entirely derogatory term and this way of categorising a woman is useful to us. Some men are attracted to and want to particularly meet Dirty Girls and others prefer non-Dirty. Being a Dirty Girl says nothing about your intelligence, social status or ethnicity; you could be the Queen and still be a Dirty Girl. She and Prince Phillip have been married for over 60 years and so must have done all kinds of sick and depraved stuff by now.

As an aside, and not based on personal experience I promise you, but I would be worried about actually shitting in someone’s mouth. Firstly, it is just a bit weird; Secondly, you have to think about aim/trajectory and thirdly, you want to provide a good poo for them without needing a bit of a fart and a widdle as well.

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Jake McMillan


What’s wrong with buying a female friend a dildo?


We’re well into the 21st century and I live in a post-feminist London, one of the most modern and progressive cities in the world, but apparently it is “weird” for a bloke to buy a plutonic female friend a vibrator, but it is fine if a female friend buys one for her. Let me run through the exact situation and you can make up your own mind.

This female friend, let’s call her Faloola, is a close and genuinely platonic friend and she feels very comfortable and open about sharing intimate details about her sex life and bodily functions with me. She even thinks it is funny to call me whilst on the loo! She has revealed she does not masturbate and is not really into that. A female friend had bought her a vibrator earlier in the year but she threw it away.

Faloola is fun and good company, but is prone to negativity about pretty much everything in her life and so I came up with a plan for her centred around getting more endorphins. Firstly, she was to start doing more exercise, secondly, have some chocolate and thirdly, well, I think you can guess what the third part of the plan was about.

dildo

She wasn’t so keen on the third part as she has never done that before but I did a quick search and found this vibrator starter kit for women who are new to it and/or feel uncomfortable about using a vibrator. I told her she had a surprise coming in the post and that she probably wouldn’t like it, but to call me when she opened it so I could explain its purpose.

If this had come from a female friend it would have been considered a thoughtful and well-intended gift, but because I have dangly bits between my legs it is considered “weird” and “wrong”.  One female friend who is a feminist and generally forward thinking even said that she felt it was wrong but could not explain why.

So what did Faloola actually think about it? Unfortunately, she didn’t call me when she received it and later said she felt slightly insulted that I thought she needed one (as she’s single), but did understand the good intention. Although other female friends think it is weird for me to have done it, they definitely want her to use it. What is your view?

Jake McMillan


How not to chat up Women!


by Jake McMillan

The scene was perfectly set, a weekend in Stockholm for my friend’s birthday with a guaranteed promise of meeting a large number of beautiful Swedish women. Accompanied by my wingman, Ian, it all seemed so promising.  I was a bit dubious about his assertion that Swedish women like to roll around naked in the snow. But I was willing to do some investigating!

The party was attended, as promised, by lots of attractive Swedish women and after the meal we all went back to my friend’s flat for drinks. Stockholm gets very cold at night and thanks to a quality bit of British moaning, I got chatting to the cool, stylish and very lovely Linda. She laughed at my rubbish jokes, she loves football and even confirmed that Swedish women do actually roll around semi-naked in the snow straight after having a sauna. Surely, I was not going to ruin it by saying something dumb? Of course I was.

Unfortunately, I often say something quite ridiculous to women I am trying to impress. I recently got into a conversational cul-de-sac about noodles whilst chatting to a nice lady who was eating some in my office building. I rather too enthusiastically said how great and wonderful they were, but didn’t know what to say next? There followed an embarrassing pause and all my feeble brain could think to do was to repeat my love of noodles before making a hasty exit.

So how did I mess it up with the lovely Linda? I told her she used to be a horse! I know, this is not clever, but at the time it sounded very funny in my head given the context of the conversation. She was explaining her love of horse-riding came from when she was young and that she “used to be a….” she paused and I quickly interjected with “horse”. She gave me an odd look.

HorseHead.jpg.w300h377

I then dug my hole further, making it into a large pit, by saying that she used to be a horse and so must have had some kind of operation to become a human. Her odd look got much odder. I then tried to rein in my loose remarks (do you like what I did there?) by adding that I thought the operation had gone very well, thinking she might take this as a compliment! She walked away shortly after that.

Therefore, you cannot call a woman you are chatting up a horse, even if it is technically a little funny. This is the mane point of the tail I have saddled you with.

Related Posts:
Bad Things to Say on a First Date
A New Low in Ridiculous Things to Say on a First Date 


How low do you go?!


Okay here’s the thing, I’m 33 years of age and met this lovely French lady (let’s call her ‘V’) who has agreed to meet me for a date BUT she’s only 20 years old. My friends are divided as to whether I am too old for her or not. She doesn’t know how old I am and several friends suggest strongly I should lie about this. She is going back to France in a couple of months anyway, we’re both adults and it is likely only ever going to be a bit of fun, so what’s the harm?

If 20 years old is too young for me, then what is the lowest age that is acceptable for me? Does it not depend on the person rather than just the age? For example, I have one female friend well into her 30s who is far less emotionally mature than women I know in their early 20s. If V is mature and is happy with the situation, then what is the problem?

Apparently they say, whoever ‘they’ are, that the rule for adults on how low you can go is that you halve your age and add 7. Therefore, at 33, the lowest age I could date is 23.

Friends say that if you want anything long term then it is doomed if there is too much of an age gap. However, there are lots of examples where this isn’t the case. Jonathan Ross is 10 years older than his wife Jane and first started dating her when she was 16. Jerry Lee Lewis married a 13 year old (he was 22) and Michael Douglas is 25 years older than Catherine Zeta Jones. Some people seem to really be against such large age gaps, particularly when the woman is the older party, but then others say when it comes to love, age means nothing.

Will I lie about my age though? Yes, I probably will and have already thought to say 27, but to a 20 year old this is still quite old. Anyone over 25 is old at that age! The reason I expect I will lie is not because I want to deliberately or maliciously deceive her, but because I expect that even if she does like me then there is a chance she will think 33 is just too old.

However, a lie is a lie and if I say I am 27 then I am not giving her the free choice to decide for herself. My flatmate went out with a much older guy when she was 20 and he was 36. They had been going out months before he told her his true age and although she was very shocked they stayed together for a couple of years.

So, I am not pushing for the date to happen and have left the ball in her court as she has my number and needs to contact me to confirm arrangements, but will definitely go if she calls. However, am not sure whether to lie or just maybe avoid the subject completely???

Jake McMillan