Sorry, I wish it was true. But no, the Football Association are not going to interview me for the role as the new England Manager.
I am very disappointed.
I sent them the below application which clearly outlines some innovative and brave tactics that will be the envy of the world. However, FA Chief Executive Martin Glenn and his panel (Dan Ashworth and David Gill) do not seem impressed. They sent me a letter saying (see below) thank you for my “interesting” application but they are on the case and have their own methodology and approach.
Here is my letter/application to the Chairman of the English Football Association:
Dear Greg Dyke,
YOU, NEED, ME.
With the national side in its current position, you need to divert from your normal “safe choice” selection methodology. Knowing about football, good experience and competency are not enough. In fact, they are of little importance.
There is another way … a better way … the Jake McMillan way.
Results, Excitement, Winning, Motivation, Positivity, Arrogant, Passion, Passing, Jumping, Heading, Celebrating, Winning. You get all these words with Jake McMillan (and, yes, I know winning is mentioned twice). You don’t just get these words. The players get the words. The fans get the words. The only people who don’t get these words are the opposition.
I will impose Jake McMillan’s Three Points Plan to Winning:
Point 1 – Get 3 Points
Point 2 – Don’t get no points
Point 3 – Don’t get 1 point
I will revolutionise the way England plays football. It will seem like we are playing a different game, like Rugby, but we won’t be, we will be playing football and we will dazzle the world.
My first step will be to turn our talented squad from delicate but moderately skilled professional footballers into large-balled gladiators. This is not a metaphor. I will arrange covert injections of the testicles of each of the players with a safe saline solution to make them larger. This will improve confidence of the team and give players a cocky swagger. The opposition, in turn, will be intimidated at the site of our bulging shorts. It will also help protect players in free kick situations.
Sat in my office and swivelling on my Ikea padded office chair (black faux leather), I give respect to opposition teams, but once inside the stadium we are at war and they will get the maximum disrespect, maybe even a little more. I lead by example and smear my own poo on the opposition dressing room door, their team bus and some of their coaching staff before each game.
Pause a moment, I know what you thinking, as genius as I sound, big balls and a sexy swagger are not enough to deliver the Euros and the World Cup. You are damn right!
I have developed a comprehensive range of the most innovative and cunning footballing tactics ever to be devised that will guarantee that our fair nation, England, will have its hands on the World Cup trophy in 2016. I do not wish to give away my tactics gratis, but the following examples give a flavour of a new approach never yet exploited.
A) More goalkeepers – it struck me a few years ago that goalkeepers can kick the ball a long way but are restrained by having to stay near the goal. But what if you had more than one goalkeeper on the field? One stays in goal and the others move forward a bit, where they are not going to get tackled so much but also can reach the opposition goal area with one kick. So, using a revolutionary 5-0-5 formation of 5 goalkeepers kick the ball to 5 of our top and hopefully tallest forwards we can create huge number of scoring opportunities without the need of skilled players. Also, defensively having 5 goalkeepers protecting the goal has got to produce a 500% better defence than we have now.
B) The Tank – This attacking formation sees the player with the ball surrounded by all his teammates, thereby protecting him from tackles by the other team. The tank formation allows direct penetrative attacks that can cut through opponent teams and require no footballing skills whatsoever.
C) Formation Switching – To ensure that the opposition remains confused and unable to learn or defend against our system, we will implement a large number of formation switches during a game at random moments. For example, on a given signal all players will suddenly play on the right hand side of the pitch. If executed correctly, this will bewilder opponents and open up scoring opportunities. Other formations to be used in switching include:
(i) Line Formation: The players adopt a 1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1 formation down the centre of the length of the pitch.
(ii) Crazy Legs: Players will use no formation at all and run around randomly like a group of mad badgers. Would you try to tackle a mad badger? I did once. Never again.
(iii) Phallic: the players will form the shape of a male reproductive organ, including the testicles. But without the pubic hair, that would be just a bit silly.
(iv) Barricade: the 10-0-0 formation will be used for maximum defence, which will lull the opposition into a false sense of security and leave them vulnerable to the counter attack. We may not score, but we will make sure they don’t either.
(v) Circle: the players will surround the opposition in a large circle and gradually reduce the size of the circle, drawing all play into the centre circle.
D) Underhand Tactics (shhh…) – these, of course, should not be allowed, but every team uses them (e.g. diving, time-wasting, etc.) and so I intend to bend the rules as much as they will allow without breaking them to ensure we have a tactical and psychological advantage:
(i) multi-ball – at strategic moments 30 or so footballs will be thrown onto the pitch creating confusion whilst our player with the actual ball proceeds forward into a scoring position.
(ii) shorts-pulling – shirt pulling is common place in the 18 yard box, but shorts pulling is under-utilised. This is a far more effective technique, especially with increasingly vain footballers, who will forget their defending assignments to pull up their shorts and protect their modesty rather than the goal.
(iii) magnets – I have spent a great deal of time and research into the use of magnets in football and certain applications will create match-winning possibilities. We will insert small special magnets (patent pending) into the football and place tiny magnets with the same polarity into the gloves of the opposition goalkeeper meaning that he will never be able to catch the football due to the repelling nature of the magnets. Likewise opposite polarity magnets will be placed into our keeper’s gloves to aid catching. They may also be placed inside the opponents’ goal, but this may draw attention when the ball doesn’t bounce out and the logistical problems of swapping magnets on goals during halftime will be too risky to use.
(iv) trapdoors – like in roman gladiatorial times, trap doors may be used to lower people and allow new people (or lions or angry squirrels) to come up into the stadium. Not to be overused.
(v) extra players – I may need to check the exact rules on this one, but if footballers not officially representing England “happened accidentally” to be on the pitch, they could unofficially help the team with a few passes here and there. Having more players than the opposition is a clear way to create a massive advantage.
(vi) naked women – my extensive and ongoing research in this area has lead us to the conclusion that men can be easily distracted by beautiful naked women. By fielding a defence full of naked women we will distract the opposing team, retain the ball and go and score (a goal that is).
(vii) inflatable devices – again, this an area massively under-exploited in International football. Here are just a few ways that they can create more than just a competitive advantage:
1) weapon – balloons and inflatable objects are allowed in football stadiums so why not arm each England player with an inflatable hammer?
2) expand size – by giving the goal keeper the opportunity to expand his size, it significantly increases his chance of blocking shots. In fact, I have been negotiating with one manufacturer who claim they can create an inflatable fat suit that will fill the entire goal!
3) additional players – inflatables don’t count as real people and so the defence can be assisted by inflatable football players (e.g. for free kicks).
4) airlift – by holding the ball between the feet and grabbing a large balloon/inflatable, a player can literally fly over the opposition defence and goalkeeper. However, tight training will be required to ensure players do not accidentally fly out of the stadium.
(viii) Psychological – I have just acquired a copy of Photoshop and feel somewhat confident I can superimpose a picture of one of the opposition’s mums face onto a pornographic image of a woman being taken from behind. I also have a good contact in the t-shirt trade and can get these photos printed on the England shirts for a very good price. The end result will clearly enrage the opposition and put them off their game.
(ix) Rosa Klebb – If you remember this famous baddy from the classic James Bond Film ‘From Russia with Love’, she had a poisoned spike that would stick out of the front of her shoe. I think you can already guess where I am going with this one!
I look forward to hearing from you and I look forward to us holding aloft the World Cup trophy and me admiring the massive balls of our tournament-winning squad.
Jake “3 Points” McMillan
The FA, quite promptly to be fair to them and addressing me by full name Jake “3 Points” McMillan (now you know what the T in Jake T McMillan stands for), sent me the letter below in response: