Tag Archives: friendship
by Jake McMillan
The nature of their conversation whilst surrounded by the Bolivian Army and facing almost certain death reveals their friendship:
2. Lethal Weapon 2
Mel Gibson and Danny Glover sizzle as the odd pairing of cops, Riggs crazy and out of control and Murtaugh the careful good family man who is about to retire.
4. Hear No Evil, See No Evil
Gene Wilder and Richard Pryor are at their very comedic best as a deaf guy and a blind guy who get inadvertently involved witnessing a murder and have the killers chasing them.
On very rare occasions I utter something that sounds like it could be wise, but may just be jibberish?
“Maintaining friends is like juggling many balls at the same time, so don’t get too upset if you’re a ball that gets dropped from time to time”
We’re well into the 21st century and I live in a post-feminist London, one of the most modern and progressive cities in the world, but apparently it is “weird” for a bloke to buy a plutonic female friend a vibrator, but it is fine if a female friend buys one for her. Let me run through the exact situation and you can make up your own mind.
This female friend, let’s call her Faloola, is a close and genuinely platonic friend and she feels very comfortable and open about sharing intimate details about her sex life and bodily functions with me. She even thinks it is funny to call me whilst on the loo! She has revealed she does not masturbate and is not really into that. A female friend had bought her a vibrator earlier in the year but she threw it away.
Faloola is fun and good company, but is prone to negativity about pretty much everything in her life and so I came up with a plan for her centred around getting more endorphins. Firstly, she was to start doing more exercise, secondly, have some chocolate and thirdly, well, I think you can guess what the third part of the plan was about.
She wasn’t so keen on the third part as she has never done that before but I did a quick search and found this vibrator starter kit for women who are new to it and/or feel uncomfortable about using a vibrator. I told her she had a surprise coming in the post and that she probably wouldn’t like it, but to call me when she opened it so I could explain its purpose.
If this had come from a female friend it would have been considered a thoughtful and well-intended gift, but because I have dangly bits between my legs it is considered “weird” and “wrong”. One female friend who is a feminist and generally forward thinking even said that she felt it was wrong but could not explain why.
So what did Faloola actually think about it? Unfortunately, she didn’t call me when she received it and later said she felt slightly insulted that I thought she needed one (as she’s single), but did understand the good intention. Although other female friends think it is weird for me to have done it, they definitely want her to use it. What is your view?
If you women didn’t have nice wobbly bits and other interesting anatomical features, we men would have got rid of you a long time ago. You are so infuriating, emotional, illogical, hypocritical, attention-seeking and neurotic it is almost enough to drive any straight man to gay love. However, gay men are unfortunately not immune to your insane and inexplicable ways either.
London women are the worst variety of modern, sophisticated yet totally-mixed up ladies. Whether as a friend or partner, you bring us men to the brink of despair on a daily basis. Examine the evidence and you will see this to be true. You want equality but don’t actually, as you want men to pay for you and then carry/fix stuff. You want equality when it suits you and inequality when it works in your favour.
It is also not possible for you to be wrong. Even when you are, men get the blame for you being wrong as we have not understood your myriad of dramas that caused it.
You talk incessantly about yourself and demand we listen, concentrate and be non-judgmental, but of course you’re not self-absorbed!
You want to know about us too, just as soon as you’ve finished talking about yourself. You detest people gossiping about you and will hate other females for doing it about others, but will happily tell us all the secret and tawdry activities your friends and colleagues are getting up to. But how dare anyone accuse you of being indiscreet or untrustworthy? You did ask us not to tell anyone before you told us, of course!
You cannot remember what you did yesterday but can recall the insensitive comment we allegedly made three years ago! You never seem to be completely happy or content and there is always something wrong that needs to be changed or fixed. You cannot let it be.
You also have the most ridiculous way of organising your social calendar. Booking an appointment with you is like making a bet, with normal odds of 3-1 about it happening at the time/place originally agreed.
Face it, women, you are a rubbish gender. You are nearly as bad as men! Be grateful for your wobbly bits.
- A Complaint about Vagisil (jakemcmillan.wordpress.com)