Tag Archives: funny

Your HORRORSCOPE for Next Month (GUEST POST)


by MYSTIC DAVE

Funny signs of the zodiac - rude

I’m an expert astrologer and know all about the zodiac signs and all that shit. Here are your horroscopes for next month, please read them very carefully … or don’t, it’s up to you.

MYSTIC DAVE

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ARIES (21st March – 20th April)
Normally the most annoying star sign, this month you take being a pain in the bottom to new levels. The world doesn’t revolve around you! This month you will be presented with lots of opportunities to be a better person and you will ignore them all.

Your unlucky numbers this month: 1,3, 4, 6,7 … I wouldn’t get excited by 2, 5 and 8 either. Avoid 9s.

TAURUS (21st April – 21st May)
Let’s face it, no one really cares about Taureans anyway, you are even duller than you suspect you really are. This month you will be tempted to try out a new joke, please don’t. Make sure you are accompanied/supervised when making any clothing purchases.

Your unlucky numbers this month: try to avoid numbers this month

GEMINI (22nd May – 21st June)
You really do love yourself don’t you? You’re not as half as clever or funny as you think you are. In fact, you are not funny or clever. Just be thankful you have lots of understanding and patient friends and family. This month you will try to cover up a mistake at work, but everyone will know it was you.

Your unlucky numbers this month: all even numbers

CANCER (22nd June – 22nd July)
Could you just shut up already? Why do you insist on going on and on about something that could be explained in 30 secs. Yes, your colleague is rubbish, yes, your friend let you down, maybe they just did it to get away from your monotonous whining. This month you will meet a stranger but it will be completely inconsequential in your life.

Your unlucky numbers this month: I’m not telling you

LEO (23rd July – 22nd August)
God you’re annoying. Is it really necessary to smile quite so much? You can’t really be that happy all the time. Well, this month you will have to use all your fake-smile powers to cope with the rubbish that is coming your way. If you spent less time smiling and more time concentrating on what you should be doing, life would be a lot easier for you.

Your unlucky numbers this month:– you probably think all numbers are lucky don’t you?

VIRGO (23rd August – 23rd September)
Is Virgo even a proper sign? I’m not sure it really qualifies. But hey ho, I don’t make the rules. In any case, what can I say about your also-ran existence for this month? I’m tempted to tell you that this will be a great month of good fortune and finally getting the recognition you think you will deserve. It won’t happen, of course, ever, but you will stupidly go on thinking it might.

Your unlucky numbers this month: All of them. You are just not lucky, deal with it

LIBRA (24th September – 23rd October)
You can take your easy-going nature and shove it up your bottom. It is okay to show some emotion now and again you know? Or are you a robot as we all suspect? This month you will make a number of errors at work and at home. Simply turn yourself off and on again.

Your unlucky numbers this month: 101110101

SCORPIO (24th October – 22nd November)
I’ve never met a nice Scorpio and I probably wouldn’t like you either. That’s because Scorpios are rubbish and totally up themselves. However, you can sometimes be bearable with a drink in your hand, so maybe do this more this month? Your month is not going to be bad. It’s not going to be good either. It will be a totally average month where nothing important or fun happens.

Your unlucky numbers this month: 1, 2, 7 & 9

SAGITTARIUS (23rd November – 21st December)
3 words sum you up: Moan, moan, moan. Life isn’t fair, we all know this, so stop you’re moaning and actually try changing your life yourself rather than waiting for others to bestow good things to you. Wise up already. This month you will ignore this horrorscope and moan your boring head off.

Your unlucky numbers this month: it’s not even worth me telling you

CAPRICORN (22nd December – 20th January)
Capricorns constantly ride the line of being competent members of society and people realising they are complete fruit loops. Good news, you won’t be such a head case this month … well, for you anyway, you will still be way nuttier than a bag of spanner-wielding badgers. Avoid speaking wherever possible.

Your unlucky numbers this month: all numbers between 1 and 1,450

AQUARIUS (21st January – 19th February)
Aquarians are probably the most frustrating people to know. Your artistic and perfectionist qualities mean you are very annoying as you take 3 times as long to do anything, if you ever get around to completing it at all. This month you will start yet another new project you will never finish. Try to avoid promising anything.

Your unlucky numbers this month: half past two

PISCES (20th February – 20th March)
I’m not going to make a joke about you bring fishy, but yet, we can’t deny the fact you are well fishy, like proper fishy, like a stinky fishmonger whose fallen into a big vat of fish after running a marathon. Thank cod, but this month you won’t be quite as selfish as usual (see what I did there?). If you come across an angry dwarf with a knife in a dark alley, run away. Dwarves can be muggers too you racist.

Your unlucky numbers this month: 4, 6 and 12

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most criminal star sign

AQUARIUS - Funny Zodiac Cat Photos (11) ARIES - Funny Zodiac Cat Photos (1) CANCER - Funny Zodiac Cat Photos (4) CAPRICORN - Funny Zodiac Cat Photos (10) GEMINI - Funny Zodiac Cat Photos (3) LEO - Funny Zodiac Cat Photos (5) LIBRA - Funny Zodiac Cat Photos (7) PISCES - Funny Zodiac Cat Photos (12) SAGITTARIUS -Funny Zodiac Cat Photos (9) SCORPIO - Funny Zodiac Cat Photos (8) TAURUS - Funny Zodiac Cat Photos (2) VIRGO - Funny Zodiac Cat Photos (6)


Sainsbury’s Lovers Bagels


by Jake McMillan

Sainsbury's Pack of 4 Multigrain Bagels

I’ve written another letter.

You know, one of those silly complaining ones like I did to Hampshire Council about the New Forest not being new, and to Combe Inc. complaining about the name ‘Vagisil’ or even my application to the English F.A. to be the new England Manager. This time it was to British supermarket Sainsbury’s about their lack of lovers bagels.

‘Lovers Bagels’, or now  just ‘LBs’, is what my flatmate and I call Sainsbury’s multigrain bagels (shown in the photo above). I am not that much of a bagel fan but these ones are really, really good and they are only £1.00 for a pack of four.  However, they run out very quickly at my local Clapham Common store so if I see them I will get them for my flatmate and I, and he does the same for me. Even so, there have been many times we have gone in only to find they have run out. I decided to write a letter … but in my own special way. I found out the name of the manager of the store and posted to him the following:

*** IN CONFIDENCE ***

Dear Vimal,

I am writing to you in the strictest of confidence to request that the bakery at your Clapham Common store make more of what I call Lovers Bagels and to which you have given the moniker ‘pack of 4 multigrain bagels’ (which you currently sell for £1.00). I’ve tried emailing you, but have not got a reply?

Out of all the bagels your store makes, these are most definitely the finest and tastiest. Many times I go into the store just to purchase these bagels and am too often very disappointed to see you have run out of them.

As a perceptive person you may have gathered that this request is not simply about my love for your bagels, it is about another love. An unrequited love.

You see Vimal, it is these bagels, Lovers Bagels or LBs as they are affectionately known by Keith and I, that are so much more than a baked yeasted wheat dough treat.

The thing is, and this must remain between you and I, Keith is the friend of my wife’s emotionally-challenged sister Maggie. He first started coming round last year and I gave him one of my bagels when seeking his marketing knowledge and insight for a cream project I was working on.

Keith loves these bagels as much as I do. If I am in your Sainsbury’s store I will buy them and share them when he comes round, or he will buy them and then share them with me.

I will text him with just two letters ‘LB’ and he will know.

This is why it is so aggravating that you run out of the Lovers Bagels so often.

Vimal, you will have experienced unrequited love I am sure. It hurts doesn’t it? Every time I go into the store and see the empty area on the bagel shelf, it feels like my heart has been ripped out … as it means I won’t get to see him.

You must put in place arrangements to make more on a regular basis, there is much more at stake than you realise.

Be a lover, be a baker.

Jake McMillan

[Below are scanned images of the actual letter sent, just in case you doubt how sad I actually really am]

Lovers Bagels Letter Page 1Lovers Bagels Letter

I waited for a month, but did not get a response. As I had gone to all the trouble of printing the letter and buying a stamp and everything, I sent a follow up letter and gave the option to reply to me by email. I am pleased to report, Vimal sent me a reply:

Vimal Chandarana Sainsburys Reply Email

A massive thank you to Vimal for responding professionally and with good grace/humour!

Also, since my original letter the availability of Lovers Bagels (and other bagels) has increased. They used to have just one shelf, now they have two!

Bagels Sainsburys Clapham Common December 2012


A Couple of Short Poems


I tricked a friend into thinking we would be doing some poetry reading at our next get-together. On the way to meeting up with her, I thought it would be good to have a poem to read, so made up a couple of quick poems.

Here are my efforts below, I think I have a lot of talent in this area:

The Flower
by Jake McMillan

I see a flower,
It looks nice

I see a flower,
It smells nice

I see a flower,
I’ve already told you twice

———————

Bee Something
by Jake McMillan

Bees,
Trees,
Cheese,
They please

Knees,
Fees,
Meas(les)
They don’t

———————-

If you think these are short, then here are two of the shortest poems ever createst:

Fleas
by Ogden Nash


Adam,

Had’em

———————

The shortest ever is by Muhammad Ali:

Me,
we


The 3 Types of Girlfriend


by Jake McMillan [tongue firmly in cheek]

Since the moment god invented boobs, men have come up with many different ways of categorising women and different types of girlfriend. This ongoing futile activity takes place due to man’s ever optimistic hope of trying to understand women. If you can categorise them, then you can begin to understand them and find strategies for an easy life.

In the history of relationships, no man has yet discovered the sacred path to the promised land where day after day he can happily go about his day without fear of criticism or dealing with emotional outbursts, discussions about what he is thinking, having to apologise for something he apparently did or didn’t do and generally having to work hard to keep the woman from going nuclear.

One common example of categorisation that men in their limited wisdom have proffered, in a number of variations, is around sanity, with women falling into one of the four following types:

1) Insane

2) Very Insane

c) In a mental institution

4) Should be in a mental institution or has escaped from one

Although accurate, this categorisation has not helped in our quest to understand the female human. Regular readers of this blog will already know that I have a fascination with all things toilet related and have privately discussed with other male humans the differences in the way girlfriends and fecund (yeah, it’s a proper word and everything) humans I frequent with approach their toilet visits.

It is at this juncture I would like to present American Robbie Sherrard, who has independently come up with a well observed and analysed categorisation of girlfriends based on their bathroom habits. He has defined three clear different types of girlfriend which he explains articulately and eloquently, although in American, in the video below.

I would like to thank Robbie for this analysis, as if I were to draw a table with the three types, I would be able to very easily put all the non-males I know into their appropriate category. Do you know which category your girlfriend/partner fits into? Are you a girlfriend (not necessarily one of mine) reading this? If so, do you know which category your are?

Now, the next step is for us men to use this analysis to help understand the woman. The quest continues.

Related Articles
Do You Talk About Poo A Lot Too?
Folding Vs Scrunching
The Dating Milestones
Relationship Deal-breakers
Robbie Sherrard’s Website


38 Worst Chat Up Lines


by Jake McMillan

A mixture of classic, new and truly lame chat up lines … would you dare use any of them?

Do you work at subway? Because you just gave me a foot long.

Roses are red, Violets are blue … I’ve got a knife, get in the Van.

Is your name Frodo? Cause your ring’s getting destroyed

You remind me of my little toe … why? Because I’m gunna bang you on the coffee table later

Rain isn’t the only 7 inches that will get you wet next week.

Are you Jewish? Because you Israeli hot

I’m an astronaut. I’d love to explore Uranus

Are you free tonight? or is it going to cost me

Nice legs … What time do they open?

You have 206 bones in your body, do you want one more?

If you were a transformer, you’d be Optimus Fine.

Is that a ladder in your tights or is it a stairway to heaven?

You’re hot, I’m ugly, let’s make average babies.

Are you from Tennessee? … Cos you’re the only ten I see

Do you have a mirror down your pants? because I can see myself in them

You like exotic animals? Wanna see my snake?

Are you related to Yoda? Because Yo-delicious

If I flip a coin…whats the chance of me getting head?”

Can I stick my Willy wonka in your chocolate factory!

What’s got 232 teeth and holds back the Incredible Hulk? My Zipper!

My magic watch tells me you have no underwear on … oh you do? It must be 15 minutes fast

Just sit on my lap and we’ll talk about the first thing that pops up

Are you legs hurting? ‘Cause you’ve been running through my mind all day

Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m rubbish at poems – show me your tits

Hey baby, do you like seafood? BECAUSE I HAVE CRABS

Do you like owls? I know a cracking owl sanctuary (Alan Partridge)

Would you like to come to a party? It’s in my pants

My love for your is like diarrhoea – I just cant hold it in.

Nice shoes, fancy a fuck?

Do you have any raisins ? No ? How about a Date ?

Hi, my cock just past away… I was wondering if I could bury it inside you

Do you have any Irish in you? Do you want some?

Does my penis taste strange to you..?

Do you have 20p? Because I want to ring my mum and tell her I just met the girl I want to nail in the toilet

Do you work for the post office because I’m sure I saw you checking out my package?

Have a feel of this shirt, do you know what that feels like? Boyfriend material.

Whats the difference between a Ferrari and an erection? I don’t have a Ferrari.


Your eyes are like spanners – every time you look at me my nuts tighten.

Related Posts:
Bad Pick up Lines
A Genius Way to Dump Someone
10 Things NOT to do on a First Date 


Best England Manager would be Alan Latchley


by Jake McMillan

Whilst the FA ponder my application to be England Manager, which they would be foolish to ignore, I have to confess there is one person who would make a better manager of our national side than me. His name is Alan Latchley and he is a mentor to me. He is more than a mentor, he is an inspiration, an acquaintance and someone I once saw on television.

Alan is from Scunthorpe, “a Scunny man through and through” and the person that taught me all I needed to know about football. “Football, she’s a cruel mistress, she’s, she’s more than a mistress. She’s a wife, she’s a mother, she’s a daughter, she’s an errant child. She can make you laugh, she can make you cry.”

An expert on motivation, he pioneered the course ‘Dare to fail’ and whilst managing Manchester City he developed the concept of “equal playing”. “Namely,” he explained, “that if you had skilful players on your team, that was no excuse for them playing better than the others. ‘Cause it makes the other ones feel inferior. And my tactic was to get them all down to exactly the same level.”

Watch his legendary interview with Clive Anderson:


James Bond is an A##hole


A friend sent me this funny link earlier today, which is a silly song (to the 007 theme) explaining why James Bond is, in fact, a bit of a prick.

Warning: it does contain bad language.