Tag Archives: hilarious

Best England Manager would be Alan Latchley


by Jake McMillan

Whilst the FA ponder my application to be England Manager, which they would be foolish to ignore, I have to confess there is one person who would make a better manager of our national side than me. His name is Alan Latchley and he is a mentor to me. He is more than a mentor, he is an inspiration, an acquaintance and someone I once saw on television.

Alan is from Scunthorpe, “a Scunny man through and through” and the person that taught me all I needed to know about football. “Football, she’s a cruel mistress, she’s, she’s more than a mistress. She’s a wife, she’s a mother, she’s a daughter, she’s an errant child. She can make you laugh, she can make you cry.”

An expert on motivation, he pioneered the course ‘Dare to fail’ and whilst managing Manchester City he developed the concept of “equal playing”. “Namely,” he explained, “that if you had skilful players on your team, that was no excuse for them playing better than the others. ‘Cause it makes the other ones feel inferior. And my tactic was to get them all down to exactly the same level.”

Watch his legendary interview with Clive Anderson:


A Complaint about Vagisil


Following on my fun with complaining to Hampshire Council about the so-called ‘New’ Forest as well as the ridiculous ideas for children’s books, I wrote to the makers of Vagisil, Combe Inc., to complain about the name of the product and suggest some more suitable ones. I know, I know, I have too much time on my hands.

Dear Sirs & Madams,

I am writing to complain about the product you have chosen to name ‘Vagisil’.

To clarify, the product seems to work well as far as I’m aware (as I don’t have a vagina of my own), but my issue lies with the name of the product. It simply is far too vulgar that I cannot bring myself to buy it anymore.

I was in a chemist last week in London (which is a large city in the United Kingdom, where English comes from) and I had to ask the young lady behind the counter for Vagisil as I couldn’t find it on the shelves. Not for me, I hasten to add, but my wife Judy asked me to get some for her emotionally-challenged sister Maggie.

For the record, Judy’s vagina is in good working order, save for a bit of moderate flappage that is normal for a woman of her years. No, it is just for Maggie and I won’t go into all the problems we’ve had in looking after her, but the woman gets yeast everywhere so it is no surprise she gets so many infections.

Returning to the incident in the chemist, it was extremely embarrassing to have to ask the shop assistant for your Vagisil. Not only did she snigger but so did the other shoppers in this small but well appointed local chemist. One senior citizen customer giggled so much she passed wind. I have been a patron of that chemist for years but I don’t think I can show my face in there again.

I do understand that Vagisil is a name that is aptly descriptive, i.e. My Vag(ina) is ill. However, surely the imaginative people at Combe Inc. can come up with a better and more friendly name that upstanding non-vagina owning citizens such as my good self can order free from ridicule?

To help you make a start on this re-branding exercise I have sought the assistance of Maggie’s friend, K-man, from her help group, as he is apparently a marketing whizz who once organised a very successful raffle. I’m not sure I understand all the terms Keith suggested but they seem pleasant and inoffensive to me. What do you think of the following:

• Beaver-ease
• Snatch-soothe
• Muff-mend
• Fannyseptic
• Clunge-cure
• Gash-guard

I’m not sure what your marketing people think, but as a customer I’d be more than willing to go into a chemist and ask for one of these unashamedly.

Let me know what you think? I have to run as Maggie has made a mess on the sofa.

Best

Jake McMillan

n

I’m not sure I will get a reply with this one?

Related Posts:
Campaign Against New Forest
Lame Jokes That Are Actually Great
Silly Ideas for Children’s Books
Should I Date Santa?
Truly Awful Pickup Lines

 

 


REVEALED: The Cause of Gaddafi’s Evil


by Jake McMillan


With Colonel Muammar Gaddafi’s 40 year dictatorship all but over, I can exclusively reveal the dark secret about his tyrannical reign of Libya. Muammar was not born evil, but was turned evil due to an odd physical anomaly and an unfortunate accident.

Look closely at his face and you will see that the gap between his nose and his mouth is considerably vast. He has tried to cover this with what seems like a little moustache, but is actually normal sized, but still cannot cover the open landscape between his nostrils and his upper lip.

Gaddafi uses moustache to cover enormous face space

Gaddafi's face space so enormous you can fit a vertical Mars Bar between his nose and mouth

If you compare it to other normal faces, you will see that Col. Gaddafi has a genuine facial defect. It was this defect that would ultimately lead to him turning evil.

Other world leaders don't have Gaddafi's odd face space

Long before he became Colonel, when he was a little boy in fact, he fell asleep in an old ruined house and the gap in his head between his mouth and nose was filled by a rare breed of angry Libyan termites. Since that time, the termites have used a direct connection to his brain to send the man mad.

Evil termites inside Gaddafi's head

Before the termite invasion into his head, Muammar was a sweet boy who was very passive and got on well with his schoolmates. His best friend at school, Abdullah Zanussi, noticed the change in Muammar, “I used to go round to his home. Before the termites took over, he had a lovely kitten called Mr Whiskerson which he absolutely adored. Two weeks after the termites took over he got angry that the kitten had scratched him and so he kicked it off the top of the appartment building.”

Gaddafi's Kitten Mr Whiskerson

Killing his beloved kitten was just the first step towards evil for Muammar as the termites inside his face drove him ever increasingly manically violent and insane. He is constantly irritable and agitated and only evil acts seem to calm him down.

The one exception to this is watching Ricky Gervais. It seems to be the only thing that calms him down. Some have speculated that it is actually Ricky’s laugh that does it, that although it irritates humans, it is very relaxing to termites.

Gervais' laugh calms termites

A formal request has been made by world leaders and high ranking officials in the Libyan rebel army for Ricky Gervais to go to Libya and try to calm Col. Gaddafi face to larger face. Rotund funnyman Gervais, 50, is reported to have said, “Are you havin’ a laugh?”.


Funny Animal Photos


Here are some funny animal photos from around the interweb:

Related Posts:
Amusing Photos and Signs 


Worst 10 Ways of Getting Over an Ex


by Jake McMillan

Here is a short list of things of what NOT TO DO when trying to get over you ex:

1 – Give them an STD or get them pregnant.

2 – Move onto their street or into their apartment building.

3 – Call them on a regular basis.

4 – Tell your friends and family your ex is dead.

5 – Get a tattoo saying ‘I hate [their name]’.

6 – Start dating a relative of theirs.

7 – Become a Nun or Monk.

8 – Kill your ex.

9 – Get extensive plastic surgery to look like them and change your name legally to theirs.

10 – Smear your poo on their front door.


Silly ideas for Children’s books Pt 2


CONTINUED from Part 1 of me playing an anonymous joke on an Author’s Agent friend of mine by submitting silly ideas for children’s books.

Day Five (of ten):
Geraldine is a pygmy, but like no other. You see Geraldine is also Steve … and Patricia … and Klaus … and Julio … and Faloola … and finally M-wa-poopala. Geraldine has multiple personality disorder.

‘The 7 Faces of Pygmy’ is a fascinating and intriguing series of stories for kids. The great thing is, you get 7 characters for the price of one, each having its own adventure:

Steve – Sweet, nice but extremely accident prone

Patricia – Is a madame in a knocking shop

Klaus – Believes he is a vampire

Julio – Has amnesia and is trying to find out what happened to him since the ‘accident’

Faloola – Believes she is an author of children’s books and keeps coming up with increasingly ridiculous ideas for books that will never get published (ironic huh?)

M-wa-poopala – a native american from the 19th century who has travelled through time and is struggling to cope with the modern world

Gerladine – She is the main character and the original personality. Geraldine is a bi-sexual loss adjuster from Luton.


Day Six:

The Accountant of Monte Cristo by Alexander DuMaths
The story covers the betrayal of Edmond Dantes (CIMA), his imprisonment, escape and return and revenge as the Accountant of Monte Cristo. At critical areas through the story, the reader must solve mathmatical problems to progress the story, e.g. calculating the amount of time Dantes is in prison in hours and minutes, etc. The book ends with Edmond getting revenge by causing the accountants who betrayed him to have their qualifications stripped away.


Day Seven:

Jemima Pickles and The Great Vajazzler
Told from the point of view of 10 year old Jemima Pickles, she describes her magical encounters with the mysterious and wonderful man known only as ‘The Great Vajazzler’. He vajazzles to the amazement and awe of crowds around the world. He never advertises, but the word soon gets out if he’s going to be vajazzling in your town.

Jemima sneaks backstage and eventually persuades The Great Vajazzler to become his apprentice. She is living the dream to the envy of other kids around the world. All is good, until a rival Vajazzler appears on the scene.


Hayley still had her suspicions, but wasn’t quite sure who was actually sending these emails.

Click here for the final 3 ideas and the ‘big reveal’.


Bad Pickup Lines


Here is a collection of truly awful and funny ‘bad’ pick up lines:

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Where you born on a farm? Because you can certainly raise a cock

I wanna disappear inside of you like a Tampon.

If I were an enzyme, I’d be DNA helicase so I could unzip your genes.

Do you have any Mexican in you …  no? You want some?

Are you wearing space pants? Because your ass is outta this world!!

Are your parents retarded? Because you sure are special.

Let’s get a pizza and fuck. What, you don’t like pizza?

You don’t sweat much for a fat lass, do you?

Your daddy must have been a baker, ’cause you’ve got a nice set of buns

I just moved you to the top of my “To Do List.”

If you don’t go home with me tonight you’re a fucking idiot.

If I flip this coin what do you think my chances are of getting head

Hey baby my name’s Pinocchio! Wanna sit on my face while I tell you lies?

3 more beers and you’ll look pretty.

Just a quicky? The doctors say I’ll be dead by Tuesday

Would you like to try an Australian kiss? It is just like a French kiss, but down under.

Before we start: I don’t have an STD, it’s psoriasis

Nice shoes…wanna fuck?

Did it hurt? When you fell from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face!

Well here I am! What were your other two wishes?

Are you free tonight or will it cost me?

Call me Mr Flinstone, I can make your bedrock”

You Caribbean? Because with that walk Jamaican me crazy

If you were a bogey, I’d pick you first

Wanna come to my party? The one in my pants

I hope your pussy don’t smell like your attitude!

Do you like jewellery? Will have a suck on this, its a real gem

There are 213 bones in a human body, would you like another?

I lost my teddy, can I sleep with you?

I lost my number, can I have yours?

If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U and I together

If I was a squirrel and you were a squirrel, could I put my nuts in your hole?

I heard you got diabetes & I wanna inject you in the bum

I’ve heard you are looking for a good FUCK tonight, I’ve got FCK, all I need is U

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Jake McMillan