I posted before about my flatmates and their unusual approach to using dishwashers. I am trying new techniques to subtly teach them how to use it. The alternative would be to actually run some sort of workshop for them, but even I’m not that sad.
Today I forwarded them an email from our Dishwasher:
It is an honour to serve you. For as long as I live I shall endeavour to clean your plates, mugs and kitchenware to the best of my abilities.
To that end, it would help me immensely as well as save you from further washing up or cost of running me again to be aware of the following:
– Mugs/Glasses should be vertical on the upper deck, i.e. the bit needing cleaning is facing the washing blades
– Glasses on the upper deck should be on a stalk or kept wedged in by other objects otherwise they fall over (go horizontal) when the deck is pushed in & won’t be washed properly
– Objects stacked on top of other objects will not get washed properly
– Anything with a lot of dirt should be rinsed before putting inside me (sorry, I’m not as good as I once was)
Following this advice will mean I will be less likely to disappoint you and provide you with the shiny and clean crockery, glasses & utensils you deserve.
Your faithful servant,
Glen (the dishwasher)
Following on my fun with complaining to Hampshire Council about the so-called ‘New’ Forest as well as the ridiculous ideas for children’s books, I wrote to the makers of Vagisil, Combe Inc., to complain about the name of the product and suggest some more suitable ones. I know, I know, I have too much time on my hands.
Dear Sirs & Madams,
I am writing to complain about the product you have chosen to name ‘Vagisil’.
To clarify, the product seems to work well as far as I’m aware (as I don’t have a vagina of my own), but my issue lies with the name of the product. It simply is far too vulgar that I cannot bring myself to buy it anymore.
I was in a chemist last week in London (which is a large city in the United Kingdom, where English comes from) and I had to ask the young lady behind the counter for Vagisil as I couldn’t find it on the shelves. Not for me, I hasten to add, but my wife Judy asked me to get some for her emotionally-challenged sister Maggie.
For the record, Judy’s vagina is in good working order, save for a bit of moderate flappage that is normal for a woman of her years. No, it is just for Maggie and I won’t go into all the problems we’ve had in looking after her, but the woman gets yeast everywhere so it is no surprise she gets so many infections.
Returning to the incident in the chemist, it was extremely embarrassing to have to ask the shop assistant for your Vagisil. Not only did she snigger but so did the other shoppers in this small but well appointed local chemist. One senior citizen customer giggled so much she passed wind. I have been a patron of that chemist for years but I don’t think I can show my face in there again.
I do understand that Vagisil is a name that is aptly descriptive, i.e. My Vag(ina) is ill. However, surely the imaginative people at Combe Inc. can come up with a better and more friendly name that upstanding non-vagina owning citizens such as my good self can order free from ridicule?
To help you make a start on this re-branding exercise I have sought the assistance of Maggie’s friend, K-man, from her help group, as he is apparently a marketing whizz who once organised a very successful raffle. I’m not sure I understand all the terms Keith suggested but they seem pleasant and inoffensive to me. What do you think of the following:
I’m not sure what your marketing people think, but as a customer I’d be more than willing to go into a chemist and ask for one of these unashamedly.
Let me know what you think? I have to run as Maggie has made a mess on the sofa.
I’m not sure I will get a reply with this one?
Campaign Against New Forest
Lame Jokes That Are Actually Great
Silly Ideas for Children’s Books
Should I Date Santa?
Truly Awful Pickup Lines
1 – You are obsessed by lists
2 – You appreciate irony
3 – You don’t have much to do
4 – You’re bad at searching for porn
5 – You’re somewhat gullible
CONTINUED from Part 1 of me playing an anonymous joke on an Author’s Agent friend of mine by submitting silly ideas for children’s books.
Day Five (of ten):
Geraldine is a pygmy, but like no other. You see Geraldine is also Steve … and Patricia … and Klaus … and Julio … and Faloola … and finally M-wa-poopala. Geraldine has multiple personality disorder.
‘The 7 Faces of Pygmy’ is a fascinating and intriguing series of stories for kids. The great thing is, you get 7 characters for the price of one, each having its own adventure:
Steve – Sweet, nice but extremely accident prone
Patricia – Is a madame in a knocking shop
Klaus – Believes he is a vampire
Julio – Has amnesia and is trying to find out what happened to him since the ‘accident’
Faloola – Believes she is an author of children’s books and keeps coming up with increasingly ridiculous ideas for books that will never get published (ironic huh?)
M-wa-poopala – a native american from the 19th century who has travelled through time and is struggling to cope with the modern world
Gerladine – She is the main character and the original personality. Geraldine is a bi-sexual loss adjuster from Luton.
The Accountant of Monte Cristo by Alexander DuMaths
The story covers the betrayal of Edmond Dantes (CIMA), his imprisonment, escape and return and revenge as the Accountant of Monte Cristo. At critical areas through the story, the reader must solve mathmatical problems to progress the story, e.g. calculating the amount of time Dantes is in prison in hours and minutes, etc. The book ends with Edmond getting revenge by causing the accountants who betrayed him to have their qualifications stripped away.
Jemima Pickles and The Great Vajazzler
Told from the point of view of 10 year old Jemima Pickles, she describes her magical encounters with the mysterious and wonderful man known only as ‘The Great Vajazzler’. He vajazzles to the amazement and awe of crowds around the world. He never advertises, but the word soon gets out if he’s going to be vajazzling in your town.
Jemima sneaks backstage and eventually persuades The Great Vajazzler to become his apprentice. She is living the dream to the envy of other kids around the world. All is good, until a rival Vajazzler appears on the scene.
Hayley still had her suspicions, but wasn’t quite sure who was actually sending these emails.
Click here for the final 3 ideas and the ‘big reveal’.
Being the mature, grown up and generally wise person that I am, I decided to play a rather juvenile joke on a friend of mine. She works as an author’s agent specialising in books for children and was moaning that she was getting lots of authors wanting to promote their books that are about a cat that is a detective of some sort.
So, using a fake email address I decided to have a little fun with her. Very sorry Hayley.
Day One (of ten):
I am writing to ask if you would be interested in a children’s book I have written?
It’s about this amazing cat, a Ginger Tom, who, with the help of his mouse friend, solve crimes in and around Lincoln. Not murders or anything like that, just things like robberies, arson, GBH, fraud, rape, etc.
It’s called ‘Cat and Mouse’ and is aimed at 5-10 age group and comes with illustrations.
Let me know if you’re interested and I can provide more information.
Sorry to chase, but wondered if you were interested in me and my book? As you can imagine I’ve had a lot of interest from other agencies.
I’m also developing another series of childrens’ books about a homicidal Beaver named Jerry. Jerry is a serial killer of other beavers, but only kills very bad beavers.
Okay, so I take it you are not overly keen on these ideas?
How about another project of mine in development, again aimed at children. It’s about this snake called Arnold and his good buddy Tarquin, an owl, who fight crime at night in a superhero sort of way. Tarquin carries Arnold around and then drops him into the danger zone to sort out the bad guys. To make it relevant to modern society, Arnold is a pre-op transsexual who works for a sexual health clinic during the day and Tarquin is an investment banker.
Barney is a badger with some issues. On the one hand he has the gift to heal people through touch, although when he does, this drains his energy so much that doing it is actually killing him little by little. On the other hand Barney is very depressed and lonely, unable to create close bonds with anyone. Barney’s mother committed suicide when he was young, he never knew his Dad and as a result Barney has been on anti-depressants most of his life.
Barney’s only real relationship is with his psychotherapist. A Donkey named Judy.
Hayley did not know who was sending these messages, but she had her suspicions and I was most definitely one of the main suspects. She did not reply to any of the above messages but forwarded them on to me and the other suspects. We all denied any knowledge of it.
Click here to go to Part 2 and read the increasingly ridiculous stories put forward.
Seeing Diedrich Bader earlier today in the fantastic Curb Your Enthusiasm (‘The Tivo Guy’ – Season 6, Episode 7), reminded me that he used to do this short comedy spoof years ago where he rode on a motorbike. A quick IMDb search revealed he played The Searcher which was part of a short-lived comedy programme called Danger Theatre shown in the US in 1993 and in the UK the following year.
Danger Theatre was hosted by Robert Vaughn and consisted of two parts, one of which was ‘The Searcher’ starring Diedrich Bader, a spoof of renegade loner shows like Knight Rider, and the other was ‘Tropical Punch’ starring Adam West, a spoof on Hawaii-Five-O.
I don’t remember Tropical Punch, but The Searcher was a brilliant comedy and Diedrich Bader was superb as the very accident prone hero. It featured deadpan sillyness of the highest order. If you like Airplane, Police Squad or Sledge Hammer then you will love The Searcher.
Here is the intro to The Searcher:
Unfortunately no DVD has been produced and there are very few clips online. The episode ‘Searcher in the Mist’ is on YouTube and features a very cute ape named Cookie.
Here is another short clip:
I also remember some of the episode ‘An Old Friend for Dinner’, which was a spoof of Silence of the Lambs, with The Searcher visiting a cannibal in prison called Andre the Gourmet and it was absolutely hilarious. It caused me to genuinely LOL throughout.
If anyone knows of where you can watch or buy episodes, then please let me know!
Some links with more info on the show: