Tag Archives: humour

Your HORRORSCOPE for Next Month (GUEST POST)


by MYSTIC DAVE

Funny signs of the zodiac - rude

I’m an expert astrologer and know all about the zodiac signs and all that shit. Here are your horroscopes for next month, please read them very carefully … or don’t, it’s up to you.

MYSTIC DAVE

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ARIES (21st March – 20th April)
Normally the most annoying star sign, this month you take being a pain in the bottom to new levels. The world doesn’t revolve around you! This month you will be presented with lots of opportunities to be a better person and you will ignore them all.

Your unlucky numbers this month: 1,3, 4, 6,7 … I wouldn’t get excited by 2, 5 and 8 either. Avoid 9s.

TAURUS (21st April – 21st May)
Let’s face it, no one really cares about Taureans anyway, you are even duller than you suspect you really are. This month you will be tempted to try out a new joke, please don’t. Make sure you are accompanied/supervised when making any clothing purchases.

Your unlucky numbers this month: try to avoid numbers this month

GEMINI (22nd May – 21st June)
You really do love yourself don’t you? You’re not as half as clever or funny as you think you are. In fact, you are not funny or clever. Just be thankful you have lots of understanding and patient friends and family. This month you will try to cover up a mistake at work, but everyone will know it was you.

Your unlucky numbers this month: all even numbers

CANCER (22nd June – 22nd July)
Could you just shut up already? Why do you insist on going on and on about something that could be explained in 30 secs. Yes, your colleague is rubbish, yes, your friend let you down, maybe they just did it to get away from your monotonous whining. This month you will meet a stranger but it will be completely inconsequential in your life.

Your unlucky numbers this month: I’m not telling you

LEO (23rd July – 22nd August)
God you’re annoying. Is it really necessary to smile quite so much? You can’t really be that happy all the time. Well, this month you will have to use all your fake-smile powers to cope with the rubbish that is coming your way. If you spent less time smiling and more time concentrating on what you should be doing, life would be a lot easier for you.

Your unlucky numbers this month:– you probably think all numbers are lucky don’t you?

VIRGO (23rd August – 23rd September)
Is Virgo even a proper sign? I’m not sure it really qualifies. But hey ho, I don’t make the rules. In any case, what can I say about your also-ran existence for this month? I’m tempted to tell you that this will be a great month of good fortune and finally getting the recognition you think you will deserve. It won’t happen, of course, ever, but you will stupidly go on thinking it might.

Your unlucky numbers this month: All of them. You are just not lucky, deal with it

LIBRA (24th September – 23rd October)
You can take your easy-going nature and shove it up your bottom. It is okay to show some emotion now and again you know? Or are you a robot as we all suspect? This month you will make a number of errors at work and at home. Simply turn yourself off and on again.

Your unlucky numbers this month: 101110101

SCORPIO (24th October – 22nd November)
I’ve never met a nice Scorpio and I probably wouldn’t like you either. That’s because Scorpios are rubbish and totally up themselves. However, you can sometimes be bearable with a drink in your hand, so maybe do this more this month? Your month is not going to be bad. It’s not going to be good either. It will be a totally average month where nothing important or fun happens.

Your unlucky numbers this month: 1, 2, 7 & 9

SAGITTARIUS (23rd November – 21st December)
3 words sum you up: Moan, moan, moan. Life isn’t fair, we all know this, so stop you’re moaning and actually try changing your life yourself rather than waiting for others to bestow good things to you. Wise up already. This month you will ignore this horrorscope and moan your boring head off.

Your unlucky numbers this month: it’s not even worth me telling you

CAPRICORN (22nd December – 20th January)
Capricorns constantly ride the line of being competent members of society and people realising they are complete fruit loops. Good news, you won’t be such a head case this month … well, for you anyway, you will still be way nuttier than a bag of spanner-wielding badgers. Avoid speaking wherever possible.

Your unlucky numbers this month: all numbers between 1 and 1,450

AQUARIUS (21st January – 19th February)
Aquarians are probably the most frustrating people to know. Your artistic and perfectionist qualities mean you are very annoying as you take 3 times as long to do anything, if you ever get around to completing it at all. This month you will start yet another new project you will never finish. Try to avoid promising anything.

Your unlucky numbers this month: half past two

PISCES (20th February – 20th March)
I’m not going to make a joke about you bring fishy, but yet, we can’t deny the fact you are well fishy, like proper fishy, like a stinky fishmonger whose fallen into a big vat of fish after running a marathon. Thank cod, but this month you won’t be quite as selfish as usual (see what I did there?). If you come across an angry dwarf with a knife in a dark alley, run away. Dwarves can be muggers too you racist.

Your unlucky numbers this month: 4, 6 and 12

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most criminal star sign

AQUARIUS - Funny Zodiac Cat Photos (11) ARIES - Funny Zodiac Cat Photos (1) CANCER - Funny Zodiac Cat Photos (4) CAPRICORN - Funny Zodiac Cat Photos (10) GEMINI - Funny Zodiac Cat Photos (3) LEO - Funny Zodiac Cat Photos (5) LIBRA - Funny Zodiac Cat Photos (7) PISCES - Funny Zodiac Cat Photos (12) SAGITTARIUS -Funny Zodiac Cat Photos (9) SCORPIO - Funny Zodiac Cat Photos (8) TAURUS - Funny Zodiac Cat Photos (2) VIRGO - Funny Zodiac Cat Photos (6)


Sainsbury’s Lovers Bagels


by Jake McMillan

Sainsbury's Pack of 4 Multigrain Bagels

I’ve written another letter.

You know, one of those silly complaining ones like I did to Hampshire Council about the New Forest not being new, and to Combe Inc. complaining about the name ‘Vagisil’ or even my application to the English F.A. to be the new England Manager. This time it was to British supermarket Sainsbury’s about their lack of lovers bagels.

‘Lovers Bagels’, or now  just ‘LBs’, is what my flatmate and I call Sainsbury’s multigrain bagels (shown in the photo above). I am not that much of a bagel fan but these ones are really, really good and they are only £1.00 for a pack of four.  However, they run out very quickly at my local Clapham Common store so if I see them I will get them for my flatmate and I, and he does the same for me. Even so, there have been many times we have gone in only to find they have run out. I decided to write a letter … but in my own special way. I found out the name of the manager of the store and posted to him the following:

*** IN CONFIDENCE ***

Dear Vimal,

I am writing to you in the strictest of confidence to request that the bakery at your Clapham Common store make more of what I call Lovers Bagels and to which you have given the moniker ‘pack of 4 multigrain bagels’ (which you currently sell for £1.00). I’ve tried emailing you, but have not got a reply?

Out of all the bagels your store makes, these are most definitely the finest and tastiest. Many times I go into the store just to purchase these bagels and am too often very disappointed to see you have run out of them.

As a perceptive person you may have gathered that this request is not simply about my love for your bagels, it is about another love. An unrequited love.

You see Vimal, it is these bagels, Lovers Bagels or LBs as they are affectionately known by Keith and I, that are so much more than a baked yeasted wheat dough treat.

The thing is, and this must remain between you and I, Keith is the friend of my wife’s emotionally-challenged sister Maggie. He first started coming round last year and I gave him one of my bagels when seeking his marketing knowledge and insight for a cream project I was working on.

Keith loves these bagels as much as I do. If I am in your Sainsbury’s store I will buy them and share them when he comes round, or he will buy them and then share them with me.

I will text him with just two letters ‘LB’ and he will know.

This is why it is so aggravating that you run out of the Lovers Bagels so often.

Vimal, you will have experienced unrequited love I am sure. It hurts doesn’t it? Every time I go into the store and see the empty area on the bagel shelf, it feels like my heart has been ripped out … as it means I won’t get to see him.

You must put in place arrangements to make more on a regular basis, there is much more at stake than you realise.

Be a lover, be a baker.

Jake McMillan

[Below are scanned images of the actual letter sent, just in case you doubt how sad I actually really am]

Lovers Bagels Letter Page 1Lovers Bagels Letter

I waited for a month, but did not get a response. As I had gone to all the trouble of printing the letter and buying a stamp and everything, I sent a follow up letter and gave the option to reply to me by email. I am pleased to report, Vimal sent me a reply:

Vimal Chandarana Sainsburys Reply Email

A massive thank you to Vimal for responding professionally and with good grace/humour!

Also, since my original letter the availability of Lovers Bagels (and other bagels) has increased. They used to have just one shelf, now they have two!

Bagels Sainsburys Clapham Common December 2012


What’s Wrong With My List?


My flatmates and I are all single 30-somethings who are young at heart and sometimes young at brain too. The other evening, over a glass of wine or three, we were discussing the suitable traits of people we’d want to be with. One flatmate asked me for a ‘briefing document’ of my criteria so she would have an idea of people she knew who might fit. On my iPhone I put together the quick list shown above and fired it off to them to laugh at and scrutinize.

The following day I put it up on Facebook so others could share in the joke and join in with criticising my list and have a bit of fun at my expense, for example, one friend put that I should give myself a fighting chance and just focus on the top two points! Most took it in the manner with which it was posted (i.e. I wasn’t actually using this list to draw in potential suitors), but I was surprised by the serious reaction of some. Can you guess which bit of the list some objected to most?

No, it wasn’t the bush grooming comment.

No, it wasn’t that she needs to be alive.

No, it wasn’t that she needs to be slimmer than me.

What several people objected to (all women) was that I had put 19 as the bottom end of the age range?! They seem to be genuinely outraged like I was acting like some sort of paedophile! In truth, I had not really given much thought about the age range, I had in the moment of writing the list thought of a good target age as being 29 and simply added and subtracted 10 years to this.

As a 30-something I am not actually looking for a 19-year old as the age difference would suggest different levels of maturity and life experience for a relationship to work. However, that said, if I met a 19-year old who was mature and fit my other criteria and seemed to like me, why would I discount an opportunity because of an ageist prejudice about the maturity of 19 year olds?

It’s an extremely unlikely scenario for me to encounter as, let’s face it, 30-somethings seem ancient to young adults, but I was curious as to why some had reacted so strongly? My responding to their complaints, ‘Would being with two 19 year olds make the situation any better?’ (that’s a combined 38 years of experience) did not help for some reason? 

In the United Kingdom and many other modern societies, 19 year olds are legally considered adults and free to do anything like any other adults in society. So what is the problem? In the last 12 months, an 18 year old Harry Styles from boy band One Direction was dating 32 year old presenter Caroline Flack and this caused a massive uproar, but why? If it’s two consenting adults being together and no one is being exploited or coerced, who are we to judge and say whether people should be in a relationship together or not?

by Jake McMillan

Related Posts:
How Low Do You Go?
The One?
Women Asking Men Out?
Bad Pick-up Lines


38 Worst Chat Up Lines


by Jake McMillan

A mixture of classic, new and truly lame chat up lines … would you dare use any of them?

Do you work at subway? Because you just gave me a foot long.

Roses are red, Violets are blue … I’ve got a knife, get in the Van.

Is your name Frodo? Cause your ring’s getting destroyed

You remind me of my little toe … why? Because I’m gunna bang you on the coffee table later

Rain isn’t the only 7 inches that will get you wet next week.

Are you Jewish? Because you Israeli hot

I’m an astronaut. I’d love to explore Uranus

Are you free tonight? or is it going to cost me

Nice legs … What time do they open?

You have 206 bones in your body, do you want one more?

If you were a transformer, you’d be Optimus Fine.

Is that a ladder in your tights or is it a stairway to heaven?

You’re hot, I’m ugly, let’s make average babies.

Are you from Tennessee? … Cos you’re the only ten I see

Do you have a mirror down your pants? because I can see myself in them

You like exotic animals? Wanna see my snake?

Are you related to Yoda? Because Yo-delicious

If I flip a coin…whats the chance of me getting head?”

Can I stick my Willy wonka in your chocolate factory!

What’s got 232 teeth and holds back the Incredible Hulk? My Zipper!

My magic watch tells me you have no underwear on … oh you do? It must be 15 minutes fast

Just sit on my lap and we’ll talk about the first thing that pops up

Are you legs hurting? ‘Cause you’ve been running through my mind all day

Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m rubbish at poems – show me your tits

Hey baby, do you like seafood? BECAUSE I HAVE CRABS

Do you like owls? I know a cracking owl sanctuary (Alan Partridge)

Would you like to come to a party? It’s in my pants

My love for your is like diarrhoea – I just cant hold it in.

Nice shoes, fancy a fuck?

Do you have any raisins ? No ? How about a Date ?

Hi, my cock just past away… I was wondering if I could bury it inside you

Do you have any Irish in you? Do you want some?

Does my penis taste strange to you..?

Do you have 20p? Because I want to ring my mum and tell her I just met the girl I want to nail in the toilet

Do you work for the post office because I’m sure I saw you checking out my package?

Have a feel of this shirt, do you know what that feels like? Boyfriend material.

Whats the difference between a Ferrari and an erection? I don’t have a Ferrari.


Your eyes are like spanners – every time you look at me my nuts tighten.

Related Posts:
Bad Pick up Lines
A Genius Way to Dump Someone
10 Things NOT to do on a First Date 


Do You Talk About Poo A Lot Too?


by Jake McMillan

Friends say I talk a lot of shit, or rather, a lot about shit. A good conversation down the pub with friends will typically involve a toilet-related discussion at some point. I don’t always raise the topic, but will always have something to contribute in an enthusiastic manner.

To clarify, I’m not a scatalogical freak … quite the opposite, I cannot stand looking at or smelling poo. My interest in the subject is more sociological as people’s reactions and views about this very normal evey day natural human function are fascinating. We can watch movies with explicit violence and sexual scenes, but someone mentions poo or something toilet related and many people are instantly disgusted and horrified?!

Even the very tame scrunch or fold debate, which is just about how people fold toilet paper before they use it, can be met with disgust. The interest here, for me, is not so much the arguments about which is best/most effective (although I do love this), but more the reaction of people when they realise close friends and loved ones do something different to what they do. We go to the toilet on our own and naturally assume that everyone else does exactly the same as what we do. But they don’t!

The other big difference is to whether people lean or stand up slightly when they wipe. Again, the interest is to see the reactions of people who do the opposite action.

Friend’s say that I have “poo issues” as I never look at my poo before I flush. I also never fart in my pants as I believe that poo particles will soil underwear. This is, as you would expect, mocked heavily by mates but my GP friend told me there was an official study into whether it was okay for surgeons to fart during an operation? The conclusion was that bacteria is actually released during a fart so it’s not good for surgeons to pass wind in the operating theatre. Therefore, not farting in your pants does make sense.

I really do find it fascinating that people find poo discussions so disgusting?! The typical ‘not while I’m eating’ comment puzzles me as it suggests that people are so influenced by just hearing the term poo that they will immediately think their delicious food is now just a turd on their plate. If this were true, then restaurants would not need to employ fancy chefs, waiters could just poo on a plate and bring it customers and describe it as ‘Sir, here is your order, this freshly produced Cumberland Sausage, with hidden herbs and oats, accompanied by mini dumplings, sat in a rustic gravy’. Yum!

There are some odd scatological practices that are quite disgusting, but can still be fun to talk about. For example, imagine you’re in a long term relationship, possibly married, and your partner asks, “Honey, do you have any odd sexual fantasies? Because I have this odd request that you could do for me and in return I can do something for you?“. Of course, you would want to find out what this was? Your partner then explains that they would like you to shit in their mouth! Would you do it?!

This can be a very funny discussion as most people will say “of course not” as it’s disgusting. Then you remind them that they won’t be having shit in their mouth, they would be the one providing the poo and that this would be a one time deal to make their long term partner happy. Then they have to think about it more seriously.

Assume that you say yes, can you imagine the practicalities of doing it?!  Firstly, you need to consider  position and trajectory, you don’t want to miss their mouth. Secondly, you would want to produce a good poo for your partner, but that is hard to guarantee. You don’t want to produce lots of wind at the same time either? Or maybe your partner will like that?

The discussions on poo are never ending! Do you enjoy similar discussions, or am I just a poo freak?!

Related Posts:
Are You a Scruncher or a Folder?
How to Provide Stool Samples
2012  The Year of the Scrunch


Best England Manager would be Alan Latchley


by Jake McMillan

Whilst the FA ponder my application to be England Manager, which they would be foolish to ignore, I have to confess there is one person who would make a better manager of our national side than me. His name is Alan Latchley and he is a mentor to me. He is more than a mentor, he is an inspiration, an acquaintance and someone I once saw on television.

Alan is from Scunthorpe, “a Scunny man through and through” and the person that taught me all I needed to know about football. “Football, she’s a cruel mistress, she’s, she’s more than a mistress. She’s a wife, she’s a mother, she’s a daughter, she’s an errant child. She can make you laugh, she can make you cry.”

An expert on motivation, he pioneered the course ‘Dare to fail’ and whilst managing Manchester City he developed the concept of “equal playing”. “Namely,” he explained, “that if you had skilful players on your team, that was no excuse for them playing better than the others. ‘Cause it makes the other ones feel inferior. And my tactic was to get them all down to exactly the same level.”

Watch his legendary interview with Clive Anderson:


Jake McMillan for England Manager


by Jake McMillan

With the resignation of Fabio Capello, I feel compelled once again to put myself forward as the next England Manager. I have been in touch with the FA Chairman, David Bernstein, and the Vice Chairman, Sir David Richards, and set forward my credentials as follows:


Dear Davids,

I like to shoot from the hip, so let me begin with three simple words:  YOU, NEED, ME.

I don’t need you. But, gentlemen and kind sirs (and any ladies), you need me.

With the national side in its current position, you need to divert from selecting a manager who is a safe choice. Knowing about football, good experience and competency are not enough. In fact, they are of little importance.

There is another way. A better way. The Jake McMillan way.

Results, Excitement, Winning, Motivation, Positivity, Arrogant, Passion, Passing, Jumping, Heading, Celebrating, Winning. You get all these words with Jake McMillan (and, yes, I know winning is mentioned twice). You don’t just get these words. The players get the words. The fans get the words. The only people who don’t get these words are the opposition.

I will impose Jake McMillan’s Three Points Plan to Winning:

Point 1 – Get
Point 2 – 3
Point 3 – Points

I will revolutionise the way England plays football. It will seem like we are playing a different game, like Rugby, but we won’t be, we will be playing football and we will dazzle the world.

My first step will be to turn our talented squad from professional footballers into large-balled gladiators. This is not a metaphor; I will arrange covert injections of the testicles of each of the players with a safe saline solution to make them larger. This will improve confidence of the team and give players a cocky swagger. The opposition, in turn, will be intimidated at the site of our bulging shorts. It will also help protect players in free kick situations.

Sat in my office and swivelling on my Ikea office chair, I give respect to opposition teams, but once inside the stadium we are at war and they will get no such respect from me or any of my players.  I lead by example and smear my own poo on the opposition dressing room door , their team bus and some of their coaching staff before each game.

Stop, I know what you thinking, as genius as I sound, big balls and a sexy swagger are not enough to deliver the World Cup. You are damn right!

I have developed a comprehensive range of the most innovative and cunning footballing tactics ever to be devised that will guarantee that our fair nation, England, will have its hands on the World Cup trophy. I do not wish to give away my tactics gratis, but the following examples give a flavour of a new approach never yet exploited.

A) Midfield, what is it good for? As a keen student of the game for many years now, I have observed that many of the players can kick the ball quite far and with a reasonable degree of accuracy. Therefore, the requirement of a midfield is negated and once you have removed the midfield you open up a large number of formation and tactical options for attack and defence. To use just one example, a 5-0-5 formation offers super protection at the back whilst also providing many opportunities to outnumber the oppositions defence.

B) The Tank – This attacking formation sees the player with the ball surrounded by all his teammates, thereby protecting him from tackles by the other team. The tank formation allows direct penetrative attacks that can cut through opponent teams and require no footballing skills whatsoever.

C) Formation Switching – To ensure that the opposition remains confused and unable to learn or defend against our system, we will implement a large number of formation switches during a game at random moments. For example, on a given signal all players will suddenly play on the right hand side of the pitch. If executed correctly, this will bewilder opponents and open up scoring opportunities. Other formations to be used in switching include:

(i)  Line Formation: The players adopt a 1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1 formation down the centre of the length of the pitch.

(ii) Crazy Legs: Players will use no formation at all and run around randomly like a group of mad badgers. Would you try to tackle a mad badger? I did once. Never again.

(iii) Phallic: the players will form the shape of a male reproductive organ, including the testicles but without the pubic hair.

(iv) Barricade: the 10-0-0 formation will be used for maximum defence, which will lull the opposition into a false sense of security and leave them vulnerable to the counter attack. We may not score, but we will make sure they don’t either.

(v) Circle: the players will surround the opposition in a large circle and gradually reduce the size of the circle, drawing all play into the centre circle.

D) Underhand Tactics – these, of course, should not be allowed, but every team uses them (e.g. diving, time-wasting, etc.) and so I intend to bend the rules as much as they will allow without breaking them to ensure we have a tactical and psychological advantage:

(i) multi-ball at strategic moments 30 or so footballs will be thrown onto the pitch creating confusion whilst our player with the actual ball proceeds forward into a scoring position.

(ii) shorts-pulling – shirt pulling is common place in the 18 yard box, but shorts pulling is under-utilised. This is a far more effective technique, especially with increasingly vain footballers, who will forget their defending assignments to pull up their shorts and protect their modesty rather than the goal.

(iv) magnets – I have spent a great deal of time and research into the use of magnets in football and certain applications will create match-winning possibilities. We will insert small magnets into the football and place magnets with the same polarity into the gloves of the opposition goalkeeper meaning that he will never be able to catch the football due to the repelling nature of the magnets. Likewise opposite polarity magnets will be placed into our keeper’s gloves to aid catching. They may also be placed inside the opponents’ goal, but this may draw attention when the ball doesn’t bounce out and the logistical problems of swapping magnets on goals during halftime will be too risky to use.

(iv) trapdoors like in roman gladiatorial times, trap doors may be used to lower people and allow new people (or lions) to come up into the stadium. Not to be overused.

(v) extra players I may need to check the exact rules on this one, but if footballers not officially representing England “happened” to be on the pitch, they could unofficially help the team with a few passes here and there. Having more players than the opposition is a clear way to create a massive advantage.

(vi) naked women – my extensive and ongoing research in this area has lead us to the conclusion that men can be easily distracted by beautiful naked women. By fielding a defence full of naked women we will distract the opposing team, retain the ball and go and score (a goal that is).

(vii)  inflatable devices – again, this an area massively under-exploited in International football. Here are just a few ways that they can create more than just a competitive advantage: 1) weapon – balloons and inflatable objects are allowed in football stadiums so why not arm each England player with an inflatable hammer? 2) expand size – by giving the goal keeper the opportunity to expand his size, it significantly increases his chance of blocking shots. In fact, I have been negotiating with one manufacturer who claim they can create an inflatable fat suit that will fill the entire goal! 3) additional players – inflatables don’t count as real people and so the defence can be assisted by inflatable football players (e.g. for free kicks). 4) airlift – by holding the ball between the feet and grabbing a large balloon/inflatable, a player can literally fly over the opposition defence and goalkeeper. However, tight training will be required to ensure players do not accidentally fly out of the stadium.

(viii) Psychological – I have just acquired a copy of Photoshop and feel confident I can superimpose a picture of one of the opposition’s mums face onto a pornographic image of a woman being taken from behind. I also have a good contact in the t-shirt trade and can get these photos printed on the England shirts for a very good price. The end result will clearly enrage the opposition and put them off their game.

(ix) Rosa Klebb – If you remember this famous baddy from the classic James Bond Film ‘From Russia with Love’, she had a poisoned spike that would stick out of the front of her shoe. I think you can already guess where I am going with this one!

Right, enough already! If the above has not convinced you to hire me immediately and pay me the fortune I deserve, then please remove your head from your anal sphincter and give me a call. But please shower first for hygiene purposes.

I look forward to hearing from you and I look forward to us holding aloft the World Cup trophy and me admiring the massive balls of our tournament-winning squad.

You. Need. Me.

Jake “3 Points” McMillan