Tag Archives: jake mcmillan

Jake McMillan to be Next England Manager!


World Cup Trophy

Sorry, I wish it was true. But no, the Football Association are not going to interview me for the role as the new England Manager.

I am very disappointed.

I sent them the below application which clearly outlines some innovative and brave tactics that will be the envy of the world. However, FA Chief Executive Martin Glenn and his panel (Dan Ashworth and David Gill) do not seem impressed. They sent me a letter saying (see below) thank you for my “interesting” application but they are on the case and have their own methodology and approach.

Here is my letter/application to the Chairman of the English Football Association:

Dear Greg Dyke,

YOU, NEED, ME.

With the national side in its current position, you need to divert from your normal “safe choice” selection methodology. Knowing about football, good experience and competency are not enough. In fact, they are of little importance.

There is another way … a better way … the Jake McMillan way.

Results, Excitement, Winning, Motivation, Positivity, Arrogant, Passion, Passing, Jumping, Heading, Celebrating, Winning. You get all these words with Jake McMillan (and, yes, I know winning is mentioned twice). You don’t just get these words. The players get the words. The fans get the words. The only people who don’t get these words are the opposition.

I will impose Jake McMillan’s Three Points Plan to Winning:

Point 1 – Get 3 Points

Point 2 – Don’t get no points

Point 3 – Don’t get 1 point

I will revolutionise the way England plays football. It will seem like we are playing a different game, like Rugby, but we won’t be, we will be playing football and we will dazzle the world.
My first step will be to turn our talented squad from delicate but moderately skilled professional footballers into large-balled gladiators. This is not a metaphor. I will arrange covert injections of the testicles of each of the players with a safe saline solution to make them larger. This will improve confidence of the team and give players a cocky swagger. The opposition, in turn, will be intimidated at the site of our bulging shorts. It will also help protect players in free kick situations.

Sat in my office and swivelling on my Ikea padded office chair (black faux leather), I give respect to opposition teams, but once inside the stadium we are at war and they will get the maximum disrespect, maybe even a little more. I lead by example and smear my own poo on the opposition dressing room door, their team bus and some of their coaching staff before each game.

Pause a moment, I know what you thinking, as genius as I sound, big balls and a sexy swagger are not enough to deliver the Euros and the World Cup. You are damn right!
I have developed a comprehensive range of the most innovative and cunning footballing tactics ever to be devised that will guarantee that our fair nation, England, will have its hands on the World Cup trophy in 2016. I do not wish to give away my tactics gratis, but the following examples give a flavour of a new approach never yet exploited.

A) More goalkeepers – it struck me a few years ago that goalkeepers can kick the ball a long way but are restrained by having to stay near the goal. But what if you had more than one goalkeeper on the field? One stays in goal and the others move forward a bit, where they are not going to get tackled so much but also can reach the opposition goal area with one kick. So, using a revolutionary 5-0-5 formation of 5 goalkeepers kick the ball to 5 of our top and hopefully tallest forwards we can create huge number of scoring opportunities without the need of skilled players. Also, defensively having 5 goalkeepers protecting the goal has got to produce a 500% better defence than we have now.

B) The Tank – This attacking formation sees the player with the ball surrounded by all his teammates, thereby protecting him from tackles by the other team. The tank formation allows direct penetrative attacks that can cut through opponent teams and require no footballing skills whatsoever.

C) Formation Switching – To ensure that the opposition remains confused and unable to learn or defend against our system, we will implement a large number of formation switches during a game at random moments. For example, on a given signal all players will suddenly play on the right hand side of the pitch. If executed correctly, this will bewilder opponents and open up scoring opportunities. Other formations to be used in switching include:

(i) Line Formation: The players adopt a 1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1 formation down the centre of the length of the pitch.

(ii) Crazy Legs: Players will use no formation at all and run around randomly like a group of mad badgers. Would you try to tackle a mad badger? I did once. Never again.

(iii) Phallic: the players will form the shape of a male reproductive organ, including the testicles. But without the pubic hair, that would be just a bit silly.

(iv) Barricade: the 10-0-0 formation will be used for maximum defence, which will lull the opposition into a false sense of security and leave them vulnerable to the counter attack. We may not score, but we will make sure they don’t either.

(v) Circle: the players will surround the opposition in a large circle and gradually reduce the size of the circle, drawing all play into the centre circle.

D) Underhand Tactics (shhh…) – these, of course, should not be allowed, but every team uses them (e.g. diving, time-wasting, etc.) and so I intend to bend the rules as much as they will allow without breaking them to ensure we have a tactical and psychological advantage:

(i) multi-ball – at strategic moments 30 or so footballs will be thrown onto the pitch creating confusion whilst our player with the actual ball proceeds forward into a scoring position.

(ii) shorts-pulling – shirt pulling is common place in the 18 yard box, but shorts pulling is under-utilised. This is a far more effective technique, especially with increasingly vain footballers, who will forget their defending assignments to pull up their shorts and protect their modesty rather than the goal.

(iii) magnets – I have spent a great deal of time and research into the use of magnets in football and certain applications will create match-winning possibilities. We will insert small special magnets (patent pending) into the football and place tiny magnets with the same polarity into the gloves of the opposition goalkeeper meaning that he will never be able to catch the football due to the repelling nature of the magnets. Likewise opposite polarity magnets will be placed into our keeper’s gloves to aid catching. They may also be placed inside the opponents’ goal, but this may draw attention when the ball doesn’t bounce out and the logistical problems of swapping magnets on goals during halftime will be too risky to use.

(iv) trapdoors – like in roman gladiatorial times, trap doors may be used to lower people and allow new people (or lions or angry squirrels) to come up into the stadium. Not to be overused.

(v) extra players – I may need to check the exact rules on this one, but if footballers not officially representing England “happened accidentally” to be on the pitch, they could unofficially help the team with a few passes here and there. Having more players than the opposition is a clear way to create a massive advantage.

(vi) naked women – my extensive and ongoing research in this area has lead us to the conclusion that men can be easily distracted by beautiful naked women. By fielding a defence full of naked women we will distract the opposing team, retain the ball and go and score (a goal that is).

(vii) inflatable devices – again, this an area massively under-exploited in International football. Here are just a few ways that they can create more than just a competitive advantage:
1) weapon – balloons and inflatable objects are allowed in football stadiums so why not arm each England player with an inflatable hammer?
2) expand size – by giving the goal keeper the opportunity to expand his size, it significantly increases his chance of blocking shots. In fact, I have been negotiating with one manufacturer who claim they can create an inflatable fat suit that will fill the entire goal!
3) additional players – inflatables don’t count as real people and so the defence can be assisted by inflatable football players (e.g. for free kicks).
4) airlift – by holding the ball between the feet and grabbing a large balloon/inflatable, a player can literally fly over the opposition defence and goalkeeper. However, tight training will be required to ensure players do not accidentally fly out of the stadium.

(viii) Psychological – I have just acquired a copy of Photoshop and feel somewhat confident I can superimpose a picture of one of the opposition’s mums face onto a pornographic image of a woman being taken from behind. I also have a good contact in the t-shirt trade and can get these photos printed on the England shirts for a very good price. The end result will clearly enrage the opposition and put them off their game.

(ix) Rosa Klebb – If you remember this famous baddy from the classic James Bond Film ‘From Russia with Love’, she had a poisoned spike that would stick out of the front of her shoe. I think you can already guess where I am going with this one!

I look forward to hearing from you and I look forward to us holding aloft the World Cup trophy and me admiring the massive balls of our tournament-winning squad.

Yours sincerely

Jake “3 Points” McMillan

 

The FA, quite promptly to be fair to them and addressing me by full name Jake “3 Points” McMillan (now you know what the T in Jake T McMillan stands for), sent me the letter below in response:

 

FA Letter - Jake McMillan


INTERVIEW: Stefano Buliani (founder of Cloudbase.io)


by Jake McMillan

Stefano Buliani Cloudbase

February 2013

On a stereotypical grey and wet London Sunday afternoon, I persuaded the founder of Cloudbase.io  (a technology service provider to mobile application developers), Stefano Buliani, to take a short break and talk to me about himself and his new venture. Surrounded by laptops, PCs and monitors, I joined him for a cup of tea in his Islington flat.

So would you describe yourself as part techie, part entrepeneur?
In a way yes, but, I am only entrepreneurial out of necessity. As a techie in a big company it is rare you get to do cool stuff, but by setting up my own business, I can do the cool techie things I am interested in.

You’ve been involved in quite a few successful  technology start ups, but this is your first very own venture?
More or less, I get wacky ideas every month about doing some project or business idea, but this is the first that has been developed into a real business. The start ups I have been involved in previously have been successful and they are all still going: Yoda, an Italy-based IT services company (now called Y-Tech); Meganexus, an online secure data sharing and monitoring service and most recently Covestor, an investment management service for people to follow experts in investment management.

Cloudbase.io is a very techie service, is it possible to explain what it is to a lay person?
Haha, yes, it is very techie, the market for Cloudbase.io is developers and entrepreneurs in the mobile phone sector. In simple terms Cloudbase.io is a smart cloud hosting service aimed specifically at mobile application developers. Rather than the developer having to spend a lot of time and money creating and supporting their own infrastructure cloudbase.io offers all of that right out of the box. Sign up and within minutes you are developing your app rather than spending your time configuring servers and writing your own backend code. We’ll take care of everything else.

How long has Cloubase.io been going?
It started last year (2012) and we already have a growing a customer base and support every single mobile platform available. The vision is for it to be the pipes of the mobile application industry.

Cloudbase uses the .io domain, which is set for the British Indian Ocean Territory, why is this?
The .io is actually a very geeky reference to input and output as this is exactly the service that cloudbase.io provides, data goes in and out.

And the name Cloudbase?
This is simply a combination of cloud and database. It has nothing to do with the headquarters in the sky of Spectrum from Captain Scarlet. I’m not THAT geeky.

What are the main benefits of Cloudbase.io?
I have already mentioned the speed to market. So the first point is saving time. No need for them to configure, develop and maintain a backend infrastructure. This means saving both time and money. Developers only have to pay when the app is actually up and running in an application store.

Cloudbase’s scalable infrastructure and will manage the growth and sale for you without requiring you to do any maintenance. If a company wanted to do this on their own it would take a lot of time and would be very expensive. So whether you are a kid developing an app in your garage or a large app development house, we make it easier for you.

Stefano Buliani Cloudbase Interview

Here you are working hard on a Sunday, does this mean you are a workaholic?
[laughs] No, I’m not a workaholic, but I do have a slight problem or case of OCD when I have an idea. I cannot sit still or relax until I have thought it all through or resolved it.

What do you do when you’re not working?
I like to travel, ride motorbikes and go to the pub! I am also involved in a charity (Adventure Ashram) that provides education in rural india and help to organise fundraising events every year.

How is it being an Italian in London?
I love being in London! I’ve been here since 2005 but maybe moving to Vancouver in the future as my partner is from there.

Cloudbase.io is made up of quite an international team isn’t it?
That’s correct, the team come from all over the world. This partly reflects the international nature of London and it is good to be able to draw on global pool of talent. This is important as Cloudbase is a service that is not restricted to a certain country or territory.

I understand that all your IT knowledge is self-taught?
Yes, that’s right. This comes from being an IT geek at high school and I’ve haven’t stopped since!

Do you have any advice or tips for someone starting up their own business?
If you are going to start a business, do it and dedicate yourself to it. However, avoid working from home as it can become an obsession. It can be difficult to get a good work/life balance as you can easily let it take over and you need to find a way to disconnect and switch off. For me, it means not working from home, but going to an office but when I come home, I am going home to relax, not to work.

Who do you look up to?
Steve Jobs, John D Carmack (CTO at ID Software) and a Doctor friend of mine in India.

What kind of boss are you?
I like to think I’m a good boss as people seem to be happy to work for me. I think the team realise I understand techie’s, as I am one, and so gain respect this way. I also give people the freedom to work they want to. I tell them two things, what needs to be done and the delivery date. The rest is up to them, I’m not going to micro manage them.

What 5 things would you take with you to a desert island?
[after quick discussion of which ocean it is in – Pacific is agreed upon] I would take my swimming trunks, my girlfriend and my offroad bike.

But that’s only 3 things and one of those, the swimming trunks, is not entirely necessary?
Those three things will do me nicely [smiles].

Stefani Buliani Cloudbase 1 Stefani Buliani Cloudbase 2 Stefani Buliani Cloudbase 3


My Dark Secret Revealed


by Jake McMillan

Reveal a Secret

I am making public a dark secret I’ve kept hidden for nearly 15 years now. I’ve already told a couple of close friends and they are appalled and disgusted. One of them has barely said two words to me since I let them know.

However, I can’t keep this in any longer. I am not ashamed.

Society should be able to accept me for who I am.

[takes a deep breath] well here goes … I like Dawson’s Creek. I liked it when it was on originally and I still like it now (I’m currently re-watching it).

People have often mocked it for having teenagers that talk like 30 year olds, but I love it for it. 

As a movie geek, what’s not to like about a central wannabe film-maker character (James Van Der Beek) who is obsessed by Spielberg and that has many episodes with homages to classic films, e.g. The Breakfast Club? It was all about relationships, not just romance, but friendships and family relationships from both a male and female perspective. It could be dramatic, it could be funny, it had a good heart but wasn’t completely up its own bottom that it couldn’t be self-deprecating  at times.

Dawson's Creek Title

Also, what’s not to like about the beautiful and lovely Katie Holmes (Joey) and Michelle Williams (Jen)? All the main and supporting characters grew with each season and became more developed as people as their characters became more experienced in life. They started as young adults and the show finished when they had grown up.

Created by Kevin Williamson (of Scream and Vampire Diaries fame), Dawson’s Creek ran for 6 seasons from 1998 – 2003 (128 episodes in total).

It was one of those shows, a bit like Friends, that people absolutely loved in the beginning and then later it became cool to knock it. Friends has become cool again, maybe the same will happen of Dawson’s Creek?

Anyway, stop your judging. I like Dawson’s Creek. Deal with it.


Me and My IM Nail (Part 8) – 3 years on


by Jake McMillan

<<< Me and My IM Nail (Part 7) – 2 Years on

Broken Tibia X Ray

X Ray of IM Nail in Tibia

Three years ago I broke my tibia (see X-ray above) and fibula and the brand new term IM Nail (Intramedullary Nail or Rod) was introduced into my life … and my leg. Three years on I can still remember the pain, thankfully I don’t have that any more. Since the accident I’ve been blogging about my recovery as there was so little  information about it on the internet.

Unfortunately, three years later, there still seems to be very little information out there. However! One positive has been all the people who have taken the time to get in touch with me and comment on this blog to share their experiences of going through the recovery as well. A massive thank you to all who have commented and especially those who have said kind things as I really did not expect anyone to read my long posts about limping and pictures of scars and hairy legs.

For those who are not aware or have not yet filled it in, I have put together a short survey and will produce and share the findings with everyone. I’m just waiting until there are a 100 responses, with 80 people having filled it in so far (at the time of writing).

Scars and bruising
Over the three years the scars and bruising have gone down, but have not completely disappeared. Being a hairy-legged man helps cover them up.

Bruising and Scars after 3 years

So, three years post operation how is my leg doing generally?
It’s very similar to being a normal leg, it just has niggles. For example, if I leave it in one position it feels stiff/sore and kneeling on it is not comfortable (but is a bit better compared to a year ago I feel). There are some days it feels better than others, but generally speaking I can walk about, run and dance as badly as I ever did.

I am still cautious when it is raining and slippery, as if I expect my leg to cause a problem and always feel relieved when it is perfectly fine. I was in Singapore in March last year and I was wandering around, exploring after it had been raining and on a slippery stone I managed to fall straight down to the ground on my bad leg. It was just a case of poor grip, but I was so happy that I hadn’t hurt my leg or broken or bent my IM Nail I actually forgot the embarrassment of falling over in front of lots of people.

I haven’t done a lot of sports or exercise this last year but that has nothing to do with my IM Nail, it is been more me not making the time and effort to do it. I fully aim to do much more this year (we all say that don’t we?).

Last Sunday, I went to Richmond to meet some friends and I did so with some trepidation as it was a repeat of the exact same activities I did three years ago that ended up with me breaking my leg on my way home at Clapham Junction Station. I’ve been to the station and walked through the underpass (where I actually fell over and broke my leg) many times before so it should not really have been a big deal.

However, a friend made a joke over Facebook that they would break my other leg. They did not mean or intend any malice by this, just making a joke, but I did not take it in my normal good humour and realised that breaking my leg, the operation and its recovery was still a big deal. Apart from the pain and discomfort of the main recovery period, I was self-employed and it meant I couldn’t fulfil a contract that January or go for one the following month. I almost went bankrupt and barely managed to get by. My attitude remained positive, but it was a really tough time that I would not want to go through again.

In Clapham Junction Station Underpass

In Clapham Junction Station Underpass

As I walked through the underpass at Clapham Junction station last weekend I remembered the time laying on the ground 3 years ago whilst my friends decided that I actually did need medical attention (I had told them to leave me and I would hobble home to bed). I hoped I would not have a similar fate that evening. I am pleased to report that on my journey home I had completely and utterly forgotten about the accident and that it completely escaped my mind. Although, to give full disclosure, I had realised I was totally desperate for the loo and that was utmost on my mind. Nevertheless, although it’s something I still think about, the whole incident is very much in the past and the ongoing niggles of my leg don’t affect my life or bother me that much.

Will I have the IM Nail removed?
I have given this some thought and have still not yet arranged an appointment with a consultant to discuss this. I will do this as would like to know more information and will, of course, share it here. I would like to remove the IM Nail as would prefer it not to be in my leg, I think most people feel this way, but the question is whether it is worth the risk of further complications and pain. It does worry me what happens if I have another accident, how the metal might cause more damage, but then I cannot predict how bad that accident would be anyway? Some have had very successful removals and I know others where it has not given the desired result and caused further pain and problems. As I don’t get much discomfort and it doesn’t really prevent me from doing anything I think a consultant would say there is not enough justification to do it.

Sharing Your Experiences
Please keep doing this, I will continue to keep updating this blog and it really does help others to hear about as well as give support to others going through the same or very similar experience.

Thank you again to everyone who has contributed to the blog and wishing you all the very best with your recovery!

Jake


Sainsbury’s Lovers Bagels


by Jake McMillan

Sainsbury's Pack of 4 Multigrain Bagels

I’ve written another letter.

You know, one of those silly complaining ones like I did to Hampshire Council about the New Forest not being new, and to Combe Inc. complaining about the name ‘Vagisil’ or even my application to the English F.A. to be the new England Manager. This time it was to British supermarket Sainsbury’s about their lack of lovers bagels.

‘Lovers Bagels’, or now  just ‘LBs’, is what my flatmate and I call Sainsbury’s multigrain bagels (shown in the photo above). I am not that much of a bagel fan but these ones are really, really good and they are only £1.00 for a pack of four.  However, they run out very quickly at my local Clapham Common store so if I see them I will get them for my flatmate and I, and he does the same for me. Even so, there have been many times we have gone in only to find they have run out. I decided to write a letter … but in my own special way. I found out the name of the manager of the store and posted to him the following:

*** IN CONFIDENCE ***

Dear Vimal,

I am writing to you in the strictest of confidence to request that the bakery at your Clapham Common store make more of what I call Lovers Bagels and to which you have given the moniker ‘pack of 4 multigrain bagels’ (which you currently sell for £1.00). I’ve tried emailing you, but have not got a reply?

Out of all the bagels your store makes, these are most definitely the finest and tastiest. Many times I go into the store just to purchase these bagels and am too often very disappointed to see you have run out of them.

As a perceptive person you may have gathered that this request is not simply about my love for your bagels, it is about another love. An unrequited love.

You see Vimal, it is these bagels, Lovers Bagels or LBs as they are affectionately known by Keith and I, that are so much more than a baked yeasted wheat dough treat.

The thing is, and this must remain between you and I, Keith is the friend of my wife’s emotionally-challenged sister Maggie. He first started coming round last year and I gave him one of my bagels when seeking his marketing knowledge and insight for a cream project I was working on.

Keith loves these bagels as much as I do. If I am in your Sainsbury’s store I will buy them and share them when he comes round, or he will buy them and then share them with me.

I will text him with just two letters ‘LB’ and he will know.

This is why it is so aggravating that you run out of the Lovers Bagels so often.

Vimal, you will have experienced unrequited love I am sure. It hurts doesn’t it? Every time I go into the store and see the empty area on the bagel shelf, it feels like my heart has been ripped out … as it means I won’t get to see him.

You must put in place arrangements to make more on a regular basis, there is much more at stake than you realise.

Be a lover, be a baker.

Jake McMillan

[Below are scanned images of the actual letter sent, just in case you doubt how sad I actually really am]

Lovers Bagels Letter Page 1Lovers Bagels Letter

I waited for a month, but did not get a response. As I had gone to all the trouble of printing the letter and buying a stamp and everything, I sent a follow up letter and gave the option to reply to me by email. I am pleased to report, Vimal sent me a reply:

Vimal Chandarana Sainsburys Reply Email

A massive thank you to Vimal for responding professionally and with good grace/humour!

Also, since my original letter the availability of Lovers Bagels (and other bagels) has increased. They used to have just one shelf, now they have two!

Bagels Sainsburys Clapham Common December 2012


WordPress 2012 Review of 21st Century Boy


The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2012 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

About 55,000 tourists visit Liechtenstein every year. This blog was viewed about 1,200,000 times in 2012. If it were Liechtenstein, it would take about 22 years for that many people to see it. Your blog had more visits than a small country in Europe!

Click here to see the complete report.


How do I break into Greenland?


by Jake McMillan

Hoorah! WordPress have introduced country statistics into their impressive blog statistical analysis facilities so you can see where in the world your blog is being read as well as by how many. Google’s Blogger service has had this facility for some time and so it is great that WordPress offers it too.

It’s only be live for a couple of weeks (i.e. that’s as far back the data will go), but it has been fascinating to see where people have been accessing my blog. I was amazed to discover that people have been reading this blog from 103 different countries around the world (see above image displaying stats for last 7 days). It was not a surprise to discover that the majority of visitors come from the United Kingdom and the United States, but it was unexpected to see that the third highest number of visitors came from Italy! I was also surprised to see Finland, Croatia and the Philippines in the top ten (6th, 9th & 10th respectively).

There are some big gaps on the world map though, but some are to be expected, such as China, Central Africa, Mongolia, Iran, etc. However, I was disappointed that there were no visitors from Greenland. I’m not sure why I should be disappointed as although Greenland is huge, it only has a population of around 57,000 people making it the country with lowest population density in the world. Nevertheless, now that we have country stats with WordPress, I am going to make it my mission to infiltrate Greenland and bore the people there with my silly theories about life, dating and toilet issues.

If you know anyone in Greenland, please direct them to this blog.

UPDATE:
I have now ‘broken into’ Greenland! As per Redbeard of Oz‘s comment below, here is an updated WordPress world map based on visitors to this blog: