Tag Archives: relationship

The 3 Types of Girlfriend

by Jake McMillan [tongue firmly in cheek]

Since the moment god invented boobs, men have come up with many different ways of categorising women and different types of girlfriend. This ongoing futile activity takes place due to man’s ever optimistic hope of trying to understand women. If you can categorise them, then you can begin to understand them and find strategies for an easy life.

In the history of relationships, no man has yet discovered the sacred path to the promised land where day after day he can happily go about his day without fear of criticism or dealing with emotional outbursts, discussions about what he is thinking, having to apologise for something he apparently did or didn’t do and generally having to work hard to keep the woman from going nuclear.

One common example of categorisation that men in their limited wisdom have proffered, in a number of variations, is around sanity, with women falling into one of the four following types:

1) Insane

2) Very Insane

c) In a mental institution

4) Should be in a mental institution or has escaped from one

Although accurate, this categorisation has not helped in our quest to understand the female human. Regular readers of this blog will already know that I have a fascination with all things toilet related and have privately discussed with other male humans the differences in the way girlfriends and fecund (yeah, it’s a proper word and everything) humans I frequent with approach their toilet visits.

It is at this juncture I would like to present American Robbie Sherrard, who has independently come up with a well observed and analysed categorisation of girlfriends based on their bathroom habits. He has defined three clear different types of girlfriend which he explains articulately and eloquently, although in American, in the video below.

I would like to thank Robbie for this analysis, as if I were to draw a table with the three types, I would be able to very easily put all the non-males I know into their appropriate category. Do you know which category your girlfriend/partner fits into? Are you a girlfriend (not necessarily one of mine) reading this? If so, do you know which category your are?

Now, the next step is for us men to use this analysis to help understand the woman. The quest continues.

Related Articles
Do You Talk About Poo A Lot Too?
Folding Vs Scrunching
The Dating Milestones
Relationship Deal-breakers
Robbie Sherrard’s Website

Can I date Santa?


The advantages and disadvantages of dating Santa:


  • He will always get you presents
  • He only works one day a year
  • Looks great in red
  • Has own transport
  • Likes kids and animals
  • He lets you sit on his knee


  • He’ll only give you presents if you’ve been good
  • He eats a lot and is not in good shape
  • He possibly has an unhealthy attachment to Reindeers and Elves
  • Sleighs draw too much attention and are not easy to park
  • Technically, he’s unemployed
  • Has huge bushy white beard
  • Only wears one outfit
  • He’s not really around on Xmas Day
  • Santa is anagram of satan

The 24hrs Rule

It’s a rule that didn’t exist 10 years ago, but now the 24hrs rule, although an unwritten rule, governs our etiquette regarding email, SMS text messaging and phone calls. Unless you are ill, on holiday or unexpectedly put in prison, you are meant to reply to this type of electronic message, to a friend or colleague, within 24hrs, anything longer and it is considered rude and an apology would be expected with the message.

Before the predominance of the internet and mobile phones, communication was limited to old fashioned landline telephone calls and snail mail. Now that we carry around electronic devices on our person and engage in social networking several times a day, we fully expect a response to our message within a reasonable time frame, which is no more than 24hours.

If a message goes over 24hrs without a response, then we get very annoyed as it is disrespectful to behave in such an impolite way. Even as the 24hrs barrier approaches we start to get annoyed that the person dares to get close to a contemptible reply time.

We are increasingly becoming more and more impatient and the 24hr rule is starting to become socially unacceptable for text messages and that a response within 12hrs (inclusive of sleep time) is expected. A good friend of mine was even upset the other day that I took 6hrs to reply to her text message and I was ill at the time!

It’s only in the dating arena, as per my previous blog post, where communication is acceptable over the 24hrs period otherwise it seems too keen. More and more we have to communicate with people over different mediums, but also be conscious of how quickly and often we do it. We also learn whether our friends are more responsive to a particular form of communication, some prefer texts, other emails and some even (can you believe it?) actually prefer talking on the phone!

I’m quite happy with the 24hrs rule but I worry that we are moving towards a world where instant responses are required. I am not a fan of that and that is why I don’t log into instant messaging systems unless I have arranged to chat to somebody.


Jake McMillan

How low do you go?!

Okay here’s the thing, I’m 33 years of age and met this lovely French lady (let’s call her ‘V’) who has agreed to meet me for a date BUT she’s only 20 years old. My friends are divided as to whether I am too old for her or not. She doesn’t know how old I am and several friends suggest strongly I should lie about this. She is going back to France in a couple of months anyway, we’re both adults and it is likely only ever going to be a bit of fun, so what’s the harm?

If 20 years old is too young for me, then what is the lowest age that is acceptable for me? Does it not depend on the person rather than just the age? For example, I have one female friend well into her 30s who is far less emotionally mature than women I know in their early 20s. If V is mature and is happy with the situation, then what is the problem?

Apparently they say, whoever ‘they’ are, that the rule for adults on how low you can go is that you halve your age and add 7. Therefore, at 33, the lowest age I could date is 23.

Friends say that if you want anything long term then it is doomed if there is too much of an age gap. However, there are lots of examples where this isn’t the case. Jonathan Ross is 10 years older than his wife Jane and first started dating her when she was 16. Jerry Lee Lewis married a 13 year old (he was 22) and Michael Douglas is 25 years older than Catherine Zeta Jones. Some people seem to really be against such large age gaps, particularly when the woman is the older party, but then others say when it comes to love, age means nothing.

Will I lie about my age though? Yes, I probably will and have already thought to say 27, but to a 20 year old this is still quite old. Anyone over 25 is old at that age! The reason I expect I will lie is not because I want to deliberately or maliciously deceive her, but because I expect that even if she does like me then there is a chance she will think 33 is just too old.

However, a lie is a lie and if I say I am 27 then I am not giving her the free choice to decide for herself. My flatmate went out with a much older guy when she was 20 and he was 36. They had been going out months before he told her his true age and although she was very shocked they stayed together for a couple of years.

So, I am not pushing for the date to happen and have left the ball in her court as she has my number and needs to contact me to confirm arrangements, but will definitely go if she calls. However, am not sure whether to lie or just maybe avoid the subject completely???

Jake McMillan

No Sex on the First Date?!

I know I’m going to really upset both men and women by saying this, but if a woman wants to have a relationship with a guy then she should not have sex with him on the first night. I’m not religious in any way and firmly believe in the equality of the sexes, but I think there is still an inequality when it comes to sex and I am sorry to say that men are completely to blame.

Even in the 21st century, rightly or wrongly, men will still judge a woman for going all the way on a first date, even if they are the ones pushing for it to happen. I’m sure lots of men would say they disagree, but even the most liberal man will consciously or subconsciously think less of a woman for doing the humpity bumpity on the first encounter.

It does all depend on the situation and if the woman is just seeking fun then there is no harm at all, but if seeking fun but also kind of hoping this could be something special, then a man, even the good ones, will be less likely to view the woman as a long term potential if she is all too ready for a game of bury the sausage.

This is, of course, completely unfair as it seems okay for men to be proud of their sexual conquests and promiscuity whereas women are judged as being sluts for acting in the same way as it is not ‘lady’ like. I’ve even found myself occasionally judging or feeling disappointed in female friends for getting up to sexy shenanigans with guys they had just met that night, but yet if it was a male friend I would think he’s done well. I’m sure I am not the only guy to think like that.

So ‘ladies’, men are rubbish (I think you knew this already) and have double standards in this area, but don’t let us stop you having your deserved fun. However, if it’s a guy that you think might be a long term potential, then maybe wait a little bit just to be on the safe side. The character Doris from TV’s ‘Gavin & Stacey’ perhaps said it best when advising Stacey on how far to go on the first date, “A kiss, a cuddle, a cheeky finger… just don’t go selling him the whole farm”.

Jake McMillan

Timing the 2nd Date Request

You’ve had that great date, or met someone cool at a party or a club. You felt a good connection and definitely want to see them again – but when do you send that text message to propose a follow-up get together?

Too soon and you will be seen as too eager and desperate, whereas if you leave it too long they will think you’re not interested or someone who is probably just after a shag. Why do we play this silly game in which the timing of the message seems to be more important than the content?

We have no rule book explaining when it is the right time to communicate, and this leads to incessant analysis of how interested the other person really is, based on the timing of their SMS message. If I had a pound for every time a female friend has asked my opinion in the last few months on whether a guy is really interested based on a text message received, I would be able to afford an iPhone.


In particular, why is it such a social no-no to text someone straight away if a date has gone well? Of course, texting several times will make you seem like a stalker, but a single message conveying that you had a great time and would like to meet up again is seen as “too keen” if it is sent within 24 hours. Yet, it seems it would be cherished after 48 hours.

My female friends apparently think that men are rubbish at texting, and find it very difficult to interpret the guy’s interest in them. They are turned off by over-keenness and confused by delayed messages, particularly from guys they are really keen on. Women think more carefully about their communications, whereas men are much simpler in their approach. It is our simplicity that confuses the hell out of women and it is women’s complexity that confuses us men folk.

It’s really, really easy, ladies – if a guy hasn’t contacted you within three days, then he just isn’t that into  you. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t like  you or doesn’t want to meet you again, he just hasn’t felt that super connection or desire. No excuses can hide the fact that if a guy really likes you he will want to get in touch again straight away.

It is only the fear of being seen as desperate that will cause us to wait to communicate. But why should we wait?

Jake McMillan

Getting the girl to pay for Dinner!

Now we all know that when it comes to the first date there exists a socially accepted, gender-biased rule that men are meant to pay for dinner. But this is the 21st century; surely it should be 50:50 and, dare I say it, maybe even women should pay for the whole meal sometimes?

Well, this year I have been trying to see if I can get a woman to pay for dinner. I am part of the generation who have feminist mums and rightly believe that men and women are different but equal, and so when it comes to going out, any costs should be divided straight down the middle. But no!

Women say it is a “nice gesture” when the man offers to pay and it shows that the man wants to look after them. This is, of course, complete guff, but men have to put up with it if they want dates number two and three. The difficulty for men – and it really is a choice of principles or punani – is that there is no standard viewpoint. Some women are OK with 50:50 and many others are not.

Being a feminist myself, and ignoring the fact that I am a tight-fisted so-and-so (like you hadn’t guessed already), I believe passionately in equality, but I also wouldn’t mind being in a relationship too. So, what am I to do?

Until we can get more women to ask men out, the answer is how you ask a lady. For example, if I say, “I’d like to take you out to dinner,” the clear inference is that I am taking responsibility for the dinner. Whereas, if I suggest that it would be nice to meet up, and offer dinner as a possible activity and she accepts, then it is a mutual agreement and so a 50:50 split is more appropriate. Why should heterosexual dates have different rules to gay dates, where it is much more fair.

So, how many women did I get to pay for the whole meal? Zero, of course. The sad truth is that unless you “forget your wallet” (which will not get you date number two), women will not pay for dinner on a first date. Sorry guys, we’re just going to have to reach deep into our pockets, or stay at home and reach deep into our pockets!

Jake McMillan