Tag Archives: sleep

Bed Territory Tactics

Bed Territory Tactics

Dear Knowledgeable Reader,

I need your advice!

We all have strengths and weaknesses and I’ve realised that a real deficiency of mine is in the area known as Bed Terrority Tactics (BTT), i.e. the subtle art of maintaining or acquiring extra space whilst sharing a bed. Whilst awake I am very competent at BTT, but soon as I fall asleep whoever is in my bed is able to take advantage (not like that) and monopolise the bed, even cats!

Several years ago I was staying at my parents in my old room and was frustrated by the lack of space by the single bed. Our lovely old cat Nemo came in during the night, as he often did, to sleep on the bed too. As I was in the bed and aware of his presence he went to sleep parallel to me in what was a good use of the limited space. Cue a few hours later and I wake up somewhat uncomfortable only to realise I am right up against the wall! Nemo was no longer parallel to me, but perpendicular and was clearly enjoying all of the bed.

How did he do this? How was I able to relinquish my territory so easily? I’m not looking to monopolise the bed (maybe this is where I go wrong?), but just want to maintain my share of the bed so I have enough space to be comfortable for mid-sleep position readjustments.

If you have any advice or tips, please let me know as every night I seem to lose the bed territory war. As soon as I fall asleep I apparently wave the white flag for the other party to freely come and invade.

For those of you who sniggered at that last sentence, shame on you, you are better than that. Well …

her side his side duvet covers

dog bed hogging

bed hogging

Why do Couples get to have a Bed?

A friend pointed out the other day the great injustice that takes place when you go to a house party of a friend. I hadn’t really noticed before, but it is so true that couples have always ‘bagged’ one of the beds whereas single people get to sleep on the sofa or on the floor?!

This is a double whammy against singletons. Not only do they sleep alone again, but they have to sleep somewhere uncomfortable. Is it not a bit selfish of couples to take the beds? They get to sleep with someone every night of the year. Surely, for one night they can rough it somewhere and let the single people take the beds?

Come on couples, do the decent thing and be kind to your single friends, the world doesn’t revolve around you.


Jake McMillan

What’s wrong with Satin Sheets?!


I’m experimenting with satin bedsheets at the moment. Don’t worry, no Bunsen burners or bongs are involved, I am merely trialling for the very first time bedlinen made of satin as was curious to know if it was any good? What’s more, I have black satin sheets! I had no idea until this week that people had such strong prejudices against the kind of people who possess black satin sheets?!

When I casually mentioned my experiment to 3 female friends I was quite shocked at their reaction. I thought mentioning the subject may stimulate a rather safe, if somewhat dull, conversation about good bedlinen, but within seconds they were talking about the extreme likelihood of stains from bodily fluids!

They all said they would run a mile from a guy who had satin sheets, especially black ones, as they would think he was some sort of 1970s pervert with a posing pouch, medallion and a picture of Peter Stringfellow on the wall. I tried to explain that I had got the sheets as purely a comfort exercise and I thought they would be cooler to sleep in as it’s been too hot at night of late here in London. This was irrelevant to them, having satin sheets, for whatever reason, is big no, no!

My satin sheets have, in actual fact, been quite cool and very comfortable but I do have a couple of misgivings. Firstly, as satin is very smooth, there is very little friction and so a slight moment whilst trying to get comfy can lead to a pillow completely taking out the bedside lamp! The second is that people, in particular that breed of humans known as women, think it is awful and hysterical to have them. I was at my friends houseparty on Saturday and the first thing one of her housemates (also female) said to me was “you’re not the one with satin sheets are you?!”

So I feel someone should come to the defence of satin sheets as they totally don’t deserve their reputation! They are genuinely very comfortable and cool in the summer and I didn’t get any dodgy stains on my black sheets. Ironically, within hours of changing back to cotton sheets I managed to create a stain … tea though, honest!

Jake McMillan

Related Stories:
Do You Know the Unwritten Rules of Modern Communication?
What’s the Point of Money Vouchers?
The Psychology of Regulating the Service?
How to Provide a Stool Sample