Tag Archives: toilet

The 3 Types of Girlfriend


by Jake McMillan [tongue firmly in cheek]

Since the moment god invented boobs, men have come up with many different ways of categorising women and different types of girlfriend. This ongoing futile activity takes place due to man’s ever optimistic hope of trying to understand women. If you can categorise them, then you can begin to understand them and find strategies for an easy life.

In the history of relationships, no man has yet discovered the sacred path to the promised land where day after day he can happily go about his day without fear of criticism or dealing with emotional outbursts, discussions about what he is thinking, having to apologise for something he apparently did or didn’t do and generally having to work hard to keep the woman from going nuclear.

One common example of categorisation that men in their limited wisdom have proffered, in a number of variations, is around sanity, with women falling into one of the four following types:

1) Insane

2) Very Insane

c) In a mental institution

4) Should be in a mental institution or has escaped from one

Although accurate, this categorisation has not helped in our quest to understand the female human. Regular readers of this blog will already know that I have a fascination with all things toilet related and have privately discussed with other male humans the differences in the way girlfriends and fecund (yeah, it’s a proper word and everything) humans I frequent with approach their toilet visits.

It is at this juncture I would like to present American Robbie Sherrard, who has independently come up with a well observed and analysed categorisation of girlfriends based on their bathroom habits. He has defined three clear different types of girlfriend which he explains articulately and eloquently, although in American, in the video below.

I would like to thank Robbie for this analysis, as if I were to draw a table with the three types, I would be able to very easily put all the non-males I know into their appropriate category. Do you know which category your girlfriend/partner fits into? Are you a girlfriend (not necessarily one of mine) reading this? If so, do you know which category your are?

Now, the next step is for us men to use this analysis to help understand the woman. The quest continues.

Related Articles
Do You Talk About Poo A Lot Too?
Folding Vs Scrunching
The Dating Milestones
Relationship Deal-breakers
Robbie Sherrard’s Website


Do You Talk About Poo A Lot Too?


by Jake McMillan

Friends say I talk a lot of shit, or rather, a lot about shit. A good conversation down the pub with friends will typically involve a toilet-related discussion at some point. I don’t always raise the topic, but will always have something to contribute in an enthusiastic manner.

To clarify, I’m not a scatalogical freak … quite the opposite, I cannot stand looking at or smelling poo. My interest in the subject is more sociological as people’s reactions and views about this very normal evey day natural human function are fascinating. We can watch movies with explicit violence and sexual scenes, but someone mentions poo or something toilet related and many people are instantly disgusted and horrified?!

Even the very tame scrunch or fold debate, which is just about how people fold toilet paper before they use it, can be met with disgust. The interest here, for me, is not so much the arguments about which is best/most effective (although I do love this), but more the reaction of people when they realise close friends and loved ones do something different to what they do. We go to the toilet on our own and naturally assume that everyone else does exactly the same as what we do. But they don’t!

The other big difference is to whether people lean or stand up slightly when they wipe. Again, the interest is to see the reactions of people who do the opposite action.

Friend’s say that I have “poo issues” as I never look at my poo before I flush. I also never fart in my pants as I believe that poo particles will soil underwear. This is, as you would expect, mocked heavily by mates but my GP friend told me there was an official study into whether it was okay for surgeons to fart during an operation? The conclusion was that bacteria is actually released during a fart so it’s not good for surgeons to pass wind in the operating theatre. Therefore, not farting in your pants does make sense.

I really do find it fascinating that people find poo discussions so disgusting?! The typical ‘not while I’m eating’ comment puzzles me as it suggests that people are so influenced by just hearing the term poo that they will immediately think their delicious food is now just a turd on their plate. If this were true, then restaurants would not need to employ fancy chefs, waiters could just poo on a plate and bring it customers and describe it as ‘Sir, here is your order, this freshly produced Cumberland Sausage, with hidden herbs and oats, accompanied by mini dumplings, sat in a rustic gravy’. Yum!

There are some odd scatological practices that are quite disgusting, but can still be fun to talk about. For example, imagine you’re in a long term relationship, possibly married, and your partner asks, “Honey, do you have any odd sexual fantasies? Because I have this odd request that you could do for me and in return I can do something for you?“. Of course, you would want to find out what this was? Your partner then explains that they would like you to shit in their mouth! Would you do it?!

This can be a very funny discussion as most people will say “of course not” as it’s disgusting. Then you remind them that they won’t be having shit in their mouth, they would be the one providing the poo and that this would be a one time deal to make their long term partner happy. Then they have to think about it more seriously.

Assume that you say yes, can you imagine the practicalities of doing it?!  Firstly, you need to consider  position and trajectory, you don’t want to miss their mouth. Secondly, you would want to produce a good poo for your partner, but that is hard to guarantee. You don’t want to produce lots of wind at the same time either? Or maybe your partner will like that?

The discussions on poo are never ending! Do you enjoy similar discussions, or am I just a poo freak?!

Related Posts:
Are You a Scruncher or a Folder?
How to Provide Stool Samples
2012  The Year of the Scrunch


What a load of crap!


Huge apologies in advance for the trivial nature of this posting, especially with all the serious problems the world is facing at the moment, but I would like to bring to your attention a new form of profiling based on how you wipe your bottom! I know, I know, this sounds ridiculous, but did you realise that how you buff your behind is different to other people and that your method could reveal something about your personality?

Toilet Paper

This revelation in differing posterior polishing methods occurred whilst out drinking with an Australian lady. From nowhere she asked me, “Do you scrunch or fold?” I had absolutely no idea what she meant. She explained that people either folded the toilet paper or scrunched it before applying it to their dirty derriere.

After some polling and the setting up of a Facebook group, I discovered this was true with nearly a 50:50 split amongst friends and colleagues. The neat, sensible and more cautious tended to (not always) be Folders and the lazy and carefree tended to be Scrunchers. Both argue that their method achieves better access and is a softer feel. However, Scrunchers suggest their method is quicker, more efficient and keeps their hands further from the ‘danger zone’, whereas Folders believe Scrunchers are not able to clean as thoroughly.

Another drunken party, this time with no Australians present, but with a large proportion who had been there(!), revealed that there is another division of people: those who stand and those who sit during a crevice cleansing sessionSitters lean to one side to gain access whereas Standers actually get up off the seat to sanitize their sphincter. Standers think sitting and leaning is weird and cannot achieve good access, whereas Sitters think standing will lead to extra mess from squishing!

There seems to be no correlation between those who sit or stand with those who prefer to fold or scrunch. Therefore, we all fit into one of the following 4 profiles:

  • Folder-Sitter: You seem an open and fun person, but are also quite private and guarded
  • Folder-Stander: You are tidy and neat, but also quite practical and like to do things your way;
  • Scruncher-Stander: You have a healthy perspective on life and have a good balance of work, play and friendships as well;
  • Scruncher-Sitter: You are a lazy so and so, but are actually quite happy with life and a great friend and companion.

So which are you?

Jake McMillan

Further Info:
Do you Scrunch or Fold? (A blog dedicated to the debate)