I Hate Weddings

by Jake McMillan

I’m right in the middle of the wedding season at the moment and from the end of April until the beginning of September, all my major social movements are dominated by stag dos, weddings and one bachelorette party (or hen do as we say in the UK). As much as it is very nice to be invited to see a friend get married and be part of their special day, I am not that keen on weddings. In fact, it is hard to know where to begin on the multitude of reasons why weddings are rubbish:

• They’re all the same – They all follow the exact same format, just slightly different venues and participants. Why are people so hung up on tradition that they can’t do something a bit different?

• Wedding Service/Church – I am not religious and often neither are the couple getting married, but yet we have to sit through a lot of God and Christ babble. It all seems very hypocritical and false. Also, as lovely as churches are, they are cold, the seats are uncomfortable and many times your view of what is going on is obscured by a massive stone pillar. On top of all this, you are made to sing hymns. Well, I say sing, most people mumble or mouth the words whilst a few good church-going hymn regulars who actually know the song belt out the words.

• Too Formal – Everyone has to get dressed up very smartly, which I hate (although the trend of no ties being acceptable is helping), and the whole thing is too structured and rigid. It’s only after the meal and speeches that people can really start to relax.

• Small talk – Weddings inevitably involve banal small talk with people you don’t know. Normally these are with older people who you may suspect are a family member of the bride and groom and because you’ve had a couple of glasses of champagne you are too wary of saying something inappropriate so you come across as unnatural whilst participating in an ultra-boring and totally fruitless conversation.

• Expensive – Being a guest of a friend’s wedding really is not cheap as I have been painfully finding out this year.

• Performing a Duty – If it’s a good friend, then you will have to perform various duties and although it’s nice to be able support the couple and make sure their day goes smoothly, it can mean you don’t get to relax and enjoy the day. Because of film stuff I have done, I often get asked to video the wedding and this really is a much bigger job than the couple normally appreciate. It is stressful, you spend the whole wedding day working and then you can spend up to a week editing it.

• Wedding Invites – these are far too formal and ridiculous, just send me a text message or email of where I need to be.

• Wedding Gifts – Buying someone a kettle or a saucepan is dull and impersonal. I would rather send them one of my turds in a presentation box.

My ‘proposal’ would be to have the wedding service broadcast on the internet so guests can sit at home and watch in the comfort of their own home, then later in the day we can join them in the evening for a drink and a dance.

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