Freelance Judge Available – For All Your Judging Needs

Your search is over, I Judge Jake am available for all your judging needs.

Whatever your event or occasion, I am here to provide impartial and independent judging. If you have a collection of people or things and you need someone reliable, fair and trustworthy to decide which one is best (or even order of bestness), then I am your judge.

I offer amiable and largely above satisfactory judging services for a wide range of events, including but not limited to the following:

• Fetes, Country Fairs & Miscellaneous Pig Roasts
• Dance Competitions (Ballroom, freestyle, dance-offs)
• Cake Competitions
• Modelling/beauty Competitions
• Art & Performances (no clowns)
• Wet (or dry) T-Shirt Competitions

However, on no account and no matter how much you pay me, will I judge books solely based on their appearance.

My fees are very reasonable and in accordance with the market rate. If you would like to book me, please email:

 

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JUDGE JAKE RECOMMENDATIONS:

‘Jake McMillan has has launched a freelance judging service. I’m into it‘, Kim Taylor Bennett

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‘You could not ask for a more professional service. I’ve never seen judging as good as this‘, Adam E-C

‘I was very pleased with Judge Jake’s marvellous judging.  JJ (as I fondly refer to him) has a judging-manner that I found efficient, fair and informative.  JJ displayed how he’d come to his judgement by providing me with a very handy breakdown of the judging criteria and scores: this provided me with an awareness of my strengths and areas for improvement for future endeavours.  Simply splendiforous.  My life feels that much more fulfilled since JJ’s judging became part of it!‘, Alison Sutcliffe

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The Ultimate Male Fantasy

by Jake McMillan

Warning to women: the below is juvenile un-pc ‘man chat’ and probably best avoided if you don’t want to be annoyed or outraged. I’m very sorry.

Speaking with my good pals in the pub the other day it was decided that the ultimate male fantasy would be to be married to a shapeshifter like Mystique from the X-Men.

The idea is that you get to be with a woman you get along with and can talk to, but she has the ability to look like any woman you like.The possibilities are endless!

It means you can spend the night with women who you think are attractive but you know their personalities in real life would really get on your tits. When all you would prefer to be doing is getting on theirs.

At the beginning of each month, say, what you would do is hand your missus a schedule of women she needed to look like each night … simple. So, if you wanted to sleep with the entire female BBC News-reading team (as my mate seems to want to) you could do so.

You would probably need to schedule a few nights of your wife just looking like she does normally just so she doesn’t get offended.

The schedule would not have to be limited to people alive today, you could show a picture of someone from the past to include them on the list: Marilyn Monroe, a young Audrey Hepburn or Raquel Welch?

Just think of the fun you could have! You wouldn’t be cheating as you would be with your wife all the time.

So which attractive women with annoying personalities might make your list? (any of the below?)

Jordan (Katie Price)

Nicole Scherzinger

Amy Childs (The Only Way is Essex)

Jodie Marsh (does anyone know how or why she is famous?)

Geri Halliwell

Carol Vorderman

Melody Hossaini (from 2011 UK 'The Apprentice')

Why Dating a Vampire Sucks

by Jake McMillan

For the last couple of years modern culture has been obsessed with the world of, and in particular, the issues surrounding vampire love. Twilight, The Vampire Diaries and even True Blood romanticise the difficulty of a human loving a vampire.

However, the truth of the matter is that dating a vampire sucks … pun intended.

Taking Twilight as an example, it is all very sweet that it is difficult for Bella (Kirsten Stewart) and Edward (Robert Pattinson) to be physically close and the angst this causes. However, the practicalities of dating a vampire would in reality be very off-putting to most people:

• He’s stone cold all the time – every woman I’ve known hates being cold

• Either he can’t be in daylight at all (so no beach holidays together or help with the shopping) or like Edward he is all sparkly when in direct sunlight

Basically, and to be completely blunt, what woman really wants a stone cold penazzled cock up her?!

As well as it being uncomfortable to be intimate together, you also need to consider:

• He might accidentally start drinking your blood at any moment

• Whilst you get older and spend a fortune on moisturisers, Botox and going to the gym, he never ages at all and looks exactly the same. Be honest, you would resent this.

• He drinks blood and it’s always a real pain to get blood stains out in the wash.

Dating a vampire might seem glamorous, but it’s just not worth the hassle.

Top 5 Reasons to Read This List

1 – You are obsessed by lists

2 – You appreciate irony

3 – You don’t have much to do

4 – You’re bad at searching for porn

5 – You’re somewhat gullible

Dishwashing Idiots

My two female flatmates are idiots who do not know how to load the dishwasher.

They seem to be under the impression that inside the dishwasher are hundreds of tiny people who will scrub clean the contents no matter how it is put in or whatever food is left on it? Here are some examples (yes, I’ve been that annoyed I took photos):

Bad Dishwasher Loading

Numbers 1, 2 and 6 above are examples where the mug or glass has no chance of being washed as there is something underneath it preventing water to get inside.

6 Dishwasher Errors

In fairness, I suspect a couple of glasses may have fallen down, but this should have been anticipated.

Why?!

However, searching on the internet, I discovered there are others that do far worse with their dishwasher: