Sainsbury’s Lovers Bagels

by Jake McMillan

I’ve written another letter.

You know, one of those silly complaining ones like I did to Hampshire Council about the New Forest not being new, and to Combe Inc. complaining about the name ‘Vagisil’ or even my application to the English F.A. to be the new England Manager. This time it was to British supermarket Sainsbury’s about their lack of lovers bagels.

‘Lovers Bagels’, or now  just ‘LBs’, is what my flatmate and I call Sainsbury’s multigrain bagels (shown in the photo above). I am not that much of a bagel fan but these ones are really, really good and they are only £1.00 for a pack of four.  However, they run out very quickly at my local Clapham Common store so if I see them I will get them for my flatmate and I, and he does the same for me. Even so, there have been many times we have gone in only to find they have run out. I decided to write a letter … but in my own special way. I found out the name of the manager of the store and posted to him the following:

*** IN CONFIDENCE ***

Dear Vimal,

I am writing to you in the strictest of confidence to request that the bakery at your Clapham Common store make more of what I call Lovers Bagels and to which you have given the moniker ‘pack of 4 multigrain bagels’ (which you currently sell for £1.00). I’ve tried emailing you, but have not got a reply?

Out of all the bagels your store makes, these are most definitely the finest and tastiest. Many times I go into the store just to purchase these bagels and am too often very disappointed to see you have run out of them.

As a perceptive person you may have gathered that this request is not simply about my love for your bagels, it is about another love. An unrequited love.

You see Vimal, it is these bagels, Lovers Bagels or LBs as they are affectionately known by Keith and I, that are so much more than a baked yeasted wheat dough treat.

The thing is, and this must remain between you and I, Keith is the friend of my wife’s emotionally-challenged sister Maggie. He first started coming round last year and I gave him one of my bagels when seeking his marketing knowledge and insight for a cream project I was working on.

Keith loves these bagels as much as I do. If I am in your Sainsbury’s store I will buy them and share them when he comes round, or he will buy them and then share them with me.

I will text him with just two letters ‘LB’ and he will know.

This is why it is so aggravating that you run out of the Lovers Bagels so often.

Vimal, you will have experienced unrequited love I am sure. It hurts doesn’t it? Every time I go into the store and see the empty area on the bagel shelf, it feels like my heart has been ripped out … as it means I won’t get to see him.

You must put in place arrangements to make more on a regular basis, there is much more at stake than you realise.

Be a lover, be a baker.

Jake McMillan

[Below are scanned images of the actual letter sent, just in case you doubt how sad I actually really am]

I waited for a month, but did not get a response. As I had gone to all the trouble of printing the letter and buying a stamp and everything, I sent a follow up letter and gave the option to reply to me by email. I am pleased to report, Vimal sent me a reply:

A massive thank you to Vimal for responding professionally and with good grace/humour!

Also, since my original letter the availability of Lovers Bagels (and other bagels) has increased. They used to have just one shelf, now they have two!

What’s Wrong With My List?

My flatmates and I are all single 30-somethings who are young at heart and sometimes young at brain too. The other evening, over a glass of wine or three, we were discussing the suitable traits of people we’d want to be with. One flatmate asked me for a ‘briefing document’ of my criteria so she would have an idea of people she knew who might fit. On my iPhone I put together the quick list shown above and fired it off to them to laugh at and scrutinize.

The following day I put it up on Facebook so others could share in the joke and join in with criticising my list and have a bit of fun at my expense, for example, one friend put that I should give myself a fighting chance and just focus on the top two points! Most took it in the manner with which it was posted (i.e. I wasn’t actually using this list to draw in potential suitors), but I was surprised by the serious reaction of some. Can you guess which bit of the list some objected to most?

No, it wasn’t the bush grooming comment.

No, it wasn’t that she needs to be alive.

No, it wasn’t that she needs to be slimmer than me.

What several people objected to (all women) was that I had put 19 as the bottom end of the age range?! They seem to be genuinely outraged like I was acting like some sort of paedophile! In truth, I had not really given much thought about the age range, I had in the moment of writing the list thought of a good target age as being 29 and simply added and subtracted 10 years to this.

As a 30-something I am not actually looking for a 19-year old as the age difference would suggest different levels of maturity and life experience for a relationship to work. However, that said, if I met a 19-year old who was mature and fit my other criteria and seemed to like me, why would I discount an opportunity because of an ageist prejudice about the maturity of 19 year olds?

It’s an extremely unlikely scenario for me to encounter as, let’s face it, 30-somethings seem ancient to young adults, but I was curious as to why some had reacted so strongly? My responding to their complaints, ‘Would being with two 19 year olds make the situation any better?’ (that’s a combined 38 years of experience) did not help for some reason? 

In the United Kingdom and many other modern societies, 19 year olds are legally considered adults and free to do anything like any other adults in society. So what is the problem? In the last 12 months, an 18 year old Harry Styles from boy band One Direction was dating 32 year old presenter Caroline Flack and this caused a massive uproar, but why? If it’s two consenting adults being together and no one is being exploited or coerced, who are we to judge and say whether people should be in a relationship together or not?

by Jake McMillan

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A Couple of Short Poems

I tricked a friend into thinking we would be doing some poetry reading at our next get-together. On the way to meeting up with her, I thought it would be good to have a poem to read, so made up a couple of quick poems.

Here are my efforts below, I think I have a lot of talent in this area:

The Flower
by Jake McMillan

I see a flower,
It looks nice

I see a flower,
It smells nice

I see a flower,
I’ve already told you twice

———————

Bee Something
by Jake McMillan

Bees,
Trees,
Cheese,
They please

Knees,
Fees,
Meas(les)
They don’t

———————-

If you think these are short, then here are two of the shortest poems ever createst:

Fleas
by Ogden Nash

Adam,
Had’em

———————

The shortest ever is by Muhammad Ali:

Me,
we

Advice for Single Ladies

by Jake McMillan

Are you a single lady? If so, you might like reading some advice for single ladies produced, I think, in the 1950s in the US. Advice such as:

DON’T DRINK TOO MUCH, as a man expects you to keep your dignity all evening. Drinking may make some girls seem clever, but most get silly.

Read more of these on the Bounce Off website.

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Interesting James Bond Trivia

Whether you’re just discovering the world of James Bond 007 or have been a fan for years, the following trivia should be of interest to you. If you are a true Bond aficionado then you should know them already, but do you know them all?!

1) M’s Real Name
M’s real name is Vice Admiral Sir Miles Messervy. Revealed in Fleming’s final book ‘Man with the Golden Gun’. In the 1977 Spy Who Loved Me, General Gogol actually refers to M as  Miles when they are together, “Miles, after you“, during the scenes they explain to 007 that he and Triple X will be working together on the mission.

2) Sean Connery wore a Toupee 
Sean Connery wears a toupee in all the James Bond movies he appears in.

3) Jaws’s Real Name
In the screenplay, Jaws is revealed to be Polish and his real name is Zbigniew Krycsiwiki.

4) Roger Moore has played Bond the Most Times
Roger Moore has played Bond the most in official bond films – 7, although so has Sean Connery if you include Never Say Never Again (a remake of Thunderball).

5) The Top Rated Bond Films on IMDb
The following are the Top 12 rated Bond films on IMDb (Correct as of 14th November 2012):

Skyfall 8.1 (out of 10) – 97,000 votes
Casino Royale 7.9  – 267,000 votes
Goldfinger 7.8 – 80,000 votes
From Russia with Love 7.5 – 50,000 votes
Dr No 7.3 – 65,000 votes
Goldeneye 7.2 – 120,000 votes 
The Spy Who Loved Me 7.1 – 43,000 votes
Thunderball 7.0 – 46,000 votes
You Only Live Twice 6.9 – 42,000 votes
OHMSS 6.8 – 33,000 votes
Live and Let Die 6.8 – 42,000 votes
For Your Eyes Only 6.8 – 41,000 votes
Quantum of Solace 6.7 – 176,000 votes

The lowest ranked Bond film is Die Another Day with a score of 6.0 (105,000 votes).

Non-official James Bond film Never Say Never Again has a score of 6.1 from 31,000 votes.

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6) For Your Eyes Only Underwater Scenes Weren’t Underwater
The close-ups of Carole Bouquet and Roger Moore for the underwater scenes were actually filmed in a studio with a windfan to produce the effect of floating hair. The scenes were then played in slow motion with the bubbles added in.

7) The Gun Barrel Opening Sequence
Maurice Binder designed the gun barrel opening at the last minute, by pointing a pinhole camera through a real gun barrel. The actor in the sequence is not Sean Connery, but stuntman Bob Simmons. Connery didn’t film the sequence himself until Thunderball.
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8) Q/Major Boothroyd
“Q”/ Major Boothroyd played by Desmond Llewelyn appears for the first time in From Russia With Love. This character was played by Peter Burton in Dr. No. When Burton was unable to return for this film, the role was recast with Llewelyn in the part. Llewelyn would reprise the role of “Q” in 16 subsequent Bond films (17 performances in all, but he didn’t appear in Live and Let Die. Q is referred to by his real name, “Major Boothroyd,” only in Dr. No, From Russia With Love, and The Spy Who Loved Me.

9) Octopussy Stunt Actually Real
In Octopussy, during the scene the TukTuks are racing through the busy Indian street, a bike goes between the two vehicles. This was not a rehearsed stunt, but a local riding through not realising they were filming!
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10) Maud Adams Appeared in 3 James Bond Films
Very eagle eyed viewers can spot Maud Adams as a woman in the crowd at Fisherman’s Wharf in ‘A View to a Kill’. Adams happened to be visiting San Francisco when the film was in production there. Roger Moore got her to appear as an uncredited extra in a crowd scene, making her the only actress to appear in 3 Bond films (excluding actresses in recurring roles), after The Man with the Golden Gun and Octopussy. http://commanderbond.net/2410/james-bond-mystery-solved-maud-adams-found-in-a-view-to-a-kill.html

11) Dolph Lundgren’s First Role in A View to a Kill
Although only appearing very briefly, A View to a Kill is Dolph Lundgren‘s first on-screen role, playing General Gogol’s KGB bodyguard Venz. He landed the position because he was dating Grace Jones at the time of the filming, and was conveniently on set when director John Glenrealized he quickly needed someone to fill in as a simple gun wielding body guard. You can spot him 52mins in to the film.

12) Jaws Had Only One Line of Dialogue
Actor Richard Kiel has only one line of dialogue in his two Bond appearances as “Jaws” (Moonraker and The Spy Who Loved Me). He says, “Well, here’s to us,” near the end of Moonraker to his blonde girlfriend.

 13) Recurring Drunk Tourist Role
The guy on the beach who looks bemused as he sees Bond’s Lotus Esprit come out of the water in The Spy Who Loved Me, also appears in Moonraker & For Your Eyes Only. His real name is Victor Tourjanski and he is not an actor, he is an Assistant Director.

14) The Last Film Elvis Presley Saw
Elvis Presley saw The Spy Who Loved Me on August 10th 1977 during a special viewing at the General Cinema in Whitehaven, TN. It was the last movie he saw as he died six days later on August 16th 1977 at the age of 42.

15) American Actor James Brolin Almost Played James Bond
During casting, James Brolin was almost given the role of James Bond when at the last minute, Roger Moore agreed to play Bond again. Brolin’s screen tests can be seen on the DVD. Moore had gone out of contract after Moonraker, and had agreed to return to the role one more time in For Your Eyes Only. The production went with Moore because this film would be competing with Never Say Never Again starring original and former James Bond actor and legend Sean Connery. The uncertainty in using an American actor in the role and having to introduce a new actor in going-up against Connery were the reasons. In the meantime, Oliver Tobias, Michael Billington, Timothy Dalton and Ian Ogilvy had also been considered for James Bond.

16) The Eldest James Bond
Despite being the third actor to play James Bond in the official films, Roger Moore is 3 years older than Sean Connery. Moore was born in 1927 and Connery in 1930.

17) JFK’s Top 10 Favourite Books
When then US President John F. Kennedy listed Ian Fleming”s book From Russia With Love among his top ten favourite novels of all time, a list published in Life Magazine, March 17, 1961, the producers decided to make this the second James Bond movie.

18) MI6 Objection to Bond Filming
When the real MI6 learned that ‘The World is Not Enough’ would shoot a scene around their headquarters, they moved to prohibit it, citing a security risk. However, Foreign Secretary Robin Cook, at the urging of Member of Parliament Janet Anderson, moved to overrule them and allow the shoot, stating, “After all Bond has done for Britain, it was the least we could do for Bond.”

19) Ian Fleming’s Secret Cameo in From Russia with Love
It is rumoured that Ian Fleming made a secret appearance in From Russia with Love, but it has never been confirmed or denied by the film-makers. Make up your own mind by reading the following and watching the clip of the film.

20) Octopussy Phantom Nipple
I went to see Octopussy on my friend Jonathan Owen’s birthday with his younger brother Duncan and a few others. Duncan Owen afterwards claimed you could see the nipple of  Kristina Wayborn when she is standing at her bedroom door when Bond is staying at Khan’s Palace. This isn’t true! However, at the beginning of Diamonds Are Forever you can see a nipple very briefly when Bond (Connery) rips off the bikini top of Marie (played by Denise Perrier) trying to find the location of Blofeld.

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