Bed Territory Tactics

Dear Knowledgeable Reader,

I need your advice!

We all have strengths and weaknesses and I’ve realised that a real deficiency of mine is in the area known as Bed Terrority Tactics (BTT), i.e. the subtle art of maintaining or acquiring extra space whilst sharing a bed. Whilst awake I am very competent at BTT, but soon as I fall asleep whoever is in my bed is able to take advantage (not like that) and monopolise the bed, even cats!

Several years ago I was staying at my parents in my old room and was frustrated by the lack of space by the single bed. Our lovely old cat Nemo came in during the night, as he often did, to sleep on the bed too. As I was in the bed and aware of his presence he went to sleep parallel to me in what was a good use of the limited space. Cue a few hours later and I wake up somewhat uncomfortable only to realise I am right up against the wall! Nemo was no longer parallel to me, but perpendicular and was clearly enjoying all of the bed.

How did he do this? How was I able to relinquish my territory so easily? I’m not looking to monopolise the bed (maybe this is where I go wrong?), but just want to maintain my share of the bed so I have enough space to be comfortable for mid-sleep position readjustments.

If you have any advice or tips, please let me know as every night I seem to lose the bed territory war. As soon as I fall asleep I apparently wave the white flag for the other party to freely come and invade.

For those of you who sniggered at that last sentence, shame on you, you are better than that. Well …

Your HORRORSCOPE for Next Month (GUEST POST)

by MYSTIC DAVE

I’m an expert astrologer and know all about the zodiac signs and all that shit. Here are your horroscopes for next month, please read them very carefully … or don’t, it’s up to you.

MYSTIC DAVE

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ARIES (21st March – 20th April)
Normally the most annoying star sign, this month you take being a pain in the bottom to new levels. The world doesn’t revolve around you! This month you will be presented with lots of opportunities to be a better person and you will ignore them all.

Your unlucky numbers this month: 1,3, 4, 6,7 … I wouldn’t get excited by 2, 5 and 8 either. Avoid 9s.

TAURUS (21st April – 21st May)
Let’s face it, no one really cares about Taureans anyway, you are even duller than you suspect you really are. This month you will be tempted to try out a new joke, please don’t. Make sure you are accompanied/supervised when making any clothing purchases.

Your unlucky numbers this month: try to avoid numbers this month

GEMINI (22nd May – 21st June)
You really do love yourself don’t you? You’re not as half as clever or funny as you think you are. In fact, you are not funny or clever. Just be thankful you have lots of understanding and patient friends and family. This month you will try to cover up a mistake at work, but everyone will know it was you.

Your unlucky numbers this month: all even numbers

CANCER (22nd June – 22nd July)
Could you just shut up already? Why do you insist on going on and on about something that could be explained in 30 secs. Yes, your colleague is rubbish, yes, your friend let you down, maybe they just did it to get away from your monotonous whining. This month you will meet a stranger but it will be completely inconsequential in your life.

Your unlucky numbers this month: I’m not telling you

LEO (23rd July – 22nd August)
God you’re annoying. Is it really necessary to smile quite so much? You can’t really be that happy all the time. Well, this month you will have to use all your fake-smile powers to cope with the rubbish that is coming your way. If you spent less time smiling and more time concentrating on what you should be doing, life would be a lot easier for you.

Your unlucky numbers this month:– you probably think all numbers are lucky don’t you?

VIRGO (23rd August – 23rd September)
Is Virgo even a proper sign? I’m not sure it really qualifies. But hey ho, I don’t make the rules. In any case, what can I say about your also-ran existence for this month? I’m tempted to tell you that this will be a great month of good fortune and finally getting the recognition you think you will deserve. It won’t happen, of course, ever, but you will stupidly go on thinking it might.

Your unlucky numbers this month: All of them. You are just not lucky, deal with it

LIBRA (24th September – 23rd October)
You can take your easy-going nature and shove it up your bottom. It is okay to show some emotion now and again you know? Or are you a robot as we all suspect? This month you will make a number of errors at work and at home. Simply turn yourself off and on again.

Your unlucky numbers this month: 101110101

SCORPIO (24th October – 22nd November)
I’ve never met a nice Scorpio and I probably wouldn’t like you either. That’s because Scorpios are rubbish and totally up themselves. However, you can sometimes be bearable with a drink in your hand, so maybe do this more this month? Your month is not going to be bad. It’s not going to be good either. It will be a totally average month where nothing important or fun happens.

Your unlucky numbers this month: 1, 2, 7 & 9
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SAGITTARIUS (23rd November – 21st December)
3 words sum you up: Moan, moan, moan. Life isn’t fair, we all know this, so stop you’re moaning and actually try changing your life yourself rather than waiting for others to bestow good things to you. Wise up already. This month you will ignore this horrorscope and moan your boring head off.

Your unlucky numbers this month: it’s not even worth me telling you

CAPRICORN (22nd December – 20th January)
Capricorns constantly ride the line of being competent members of society and people realising they are complete fruit loops. Good news, you won’t be such a head case this month … well, for you anyway, you will still be way nuttier than a bag of spanner-wielding badgers. Avoid speaking wherever possible.

Your unlucky numbers this month: all numbers between 1 and 1,450
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AQUARIUS (21st January – 19th February)
Aquarians are probably the most frustrating people to know. Your artistic and perfectionist qualities mean you are very annoying as you take 3 times as long to do anything, if you ever get around to completing it at all. This month you will start yet another new project you will never finish. Try to avoid promising anything.

Your unlucky numbers this month: half past two

PISCES (20th February – 20th March)
I’m not going to make a joke about you bring fishy, but yet, we can’t deny the fact you are well fishy, like proper fishy, like a stinky fishmonger whose fallen into a big vat of fish after running a marathon. Thank cod, but this month you won’t be quite as selfish as usual (see what I did there?). If you come across an angry dwarf with a knife in a dark alley, run away. Dwarves can be muggers too you racist.

Your unlucky numbers this month: 4, 6 and 12

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How To Name Your Baby

by Jake McMillan

I don’t know if it is something to do with hormones or becoming delirious at the prospect of becoming a parent, but often mums-and-dads-to-be lose the plot when it comes to choosing a name for their child.

I have always known my parents to be very sensible and straight forward people (save for some mild silliness now and again) and so was shocked to discover what they almost named me? My name was a compromise choice, being number two on each of their lists. My mum’s first choice was Felix?! She still thinks I should have been called this … which is even more disturbing. Why would I want be named after a tin of cat food?

Then I heard what my Dad wanted to call me … Ludovic???! My parents are both British, so this is a very odd choice. I asked my Dad why and it turned out there was a journalist and broadcaster called Ludovic Kennedy and his friends called him Ludo. My Dad thought Ludo was a cute name for a baby.

My Dad made the same mistake that most parents do. You shouldn’t name a baby, you are actually naming an adult person who will only be a baby and child for a small proportion of their life.

The impulse for this post has come from some friends who were trying to decide what to name their son. The father is Swedish and the mother British, so name options become even more complex. The father wanted to call his son Vilgot. This may be a great name in Swedish, but in English it sounds like a 17th century venereal disease.

So, the key things you need to do/remember:

1) Your kid will be an adult far longer than they will be a child, so don’t think of a “baby’s” name, think of an adult’s name.

2) Whatever name you choose, other kids will find a way to tease them about it, so try to not to pick a name that makes it too easy for the other kids.

3) 3-syllable names will be difficult for other kids, when very young, to say or pronounce.

4) Think about how the name is thought of internationally or whether it has another meaning? For example, my friend Dom told me his name means King in Portuguese, but in Dutch it means idiot or stupid.

5) Don’t call your son Vilgot.

Poll: Would you rather be a Starship Captain or a Ghostbuster?

by Jake McMillan

It’s 2013 and you have a choice to be a Starship Captain or a Ghostbuster? Which would you rather be?

Both have their positives and negatives (see below).

STARSHIP CAPTAIN

Positives
– Adventure of discovering new worlds
– Meet aliens (maybe even sexy ones)
– You’re the boss
– Travel at light-speed
– Battle other species
– Act as ambassador/diplomat for humankind
– Use cool technology

Negatives
– Star travel day to day will likely be very boring
– You may never meet aliens, you may spend years on a floating office only to discover some new fungi
– You have to wear the same uniform every single day
– You are away from friends and family for a very long time
– Everybody hates the boss
– You will very rarely go outside and breathe normal air
– The food is likely to be very boring and not fresh
– You might die

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GHOSTBUSTER

Positives
– You’re a famous hero with the potential of saving your city from a disaster of biblical proportions
– Day to day you tackle the paranormal and meet people from other dimensions
– You get to wear the Ghostbusters uniform and proton pack
– You work with a fun close-knit team
– You live in an old fire station and get to use a fireman’s pole
– You get to drive in the Ectomobile and sound the siren as you race through town

Negatives
– There are no such thing as ghosts
– Nobody calls
– The only clients you have are mostly insane in the head
– It’s basically a glamorous janitorial role
– Your life as you know it may stop instantaneously and every molecule in your body explode at the speed of light if you cross the streams
– If you fail there will be human sacrifices, dogs and cats living together and mass hysteria

 –

My friend Adam and I discussed this at length as we had opposing views. The argument resulted in with us both wanting a Holodeck, but no definitive answer to the actual question.

My Dark Secret Revealed

by Jake McMillan

I am making public a dark secret I’ve kept hidden for nearly 15 years now. I’ve already told a couple of close friends and they are appalled and disgusted. One of them has barely said two words to me since I let them know.

However, I can’t keep this in any longer. I am not ashamed.

Society should be able to accept me for who I am.

[takes a deep breath] well here goes … I like Dawson’s Creek. I liked it when it was on originally and I still like it now (I’m currently re-watching it).

People have often mocked it for having teenagers that talk like 30 year olds, but I love it for it. 

As a movie geek, what’s not to like about a central wannabe film-maker character (James Van Der Beek) who is obsessed by Spielberg and that has many episodes with homages to classic films, e.g. The Breakfast Club? It was all about relationships, not just romance, but friendships and family relationships from both a male and female perspective. It could be dramatic, it could be funny, it had a good heart but wasn’t completely up its own bottom that it couldn’t be self-deprecating  at times.

Also, what’s not to like about the beautiful and lovely Katie Holmes (Joey) and Michelle Williams (Jen)? All the main and supporting characters grew with each season and became more developed as people as their characters became more experienced in life. They started as young adults and the show finished when they had grown up.

Created by Kevin Williamson (of Scream and Vampire Diaries fame), Dawson’s Creek ran for 6 seasons from 1998 – 2003 (128 episodes in total).

It was one of those shows, a bit like Friends, that people absolutely loved in the beginning and then later it became cool to knock it. Friends has become cool again, maybe the same will happen of Dawson’s Creek?

Anyway, stop your judging. I like Dawson’s Creek. Deal with it.