Category Archives: funny

Jake McMillan to be Next England Manager!


World Cup Trophy

Sorry, I wish it was true. But no, the Football Association are not going to interview me for the role as the new England Manager.

I am very disappointed.

I sent them the below application which clearly outlines some innovative and brave tactics that will be the envy of the world. However, FA Chief Executive Martin Glenn and his panel (Dan Ashworth and David Gill) do not seem impressed. They sent me a letter saying (see below) thank you for my “interesting” application but they are on the case and have their own methodology and approach.

Here is my letter/application to the Chairman of the English Football Association:

Dear Greg Dyke,

YOU, NEED, ME.

With the national side in its current position, you need to divert from your normal “safe choice” selection methodology. Knowing about football, good experience and competency are not enough. In fact, they are of little importance.

There is another way … a better way … the Jake McMillan way.

Results, Excitement, Winning, Motivation, Positivity, Arrogant, Passion, Passing, Jumping, Heading, Celebrating, Winning. You get all these words with Jake McMillan (and, yes, I know winning is mentioned twice). You don’t just get these words. The players get the words. The fans get the words. The only people who don’t get these words are the opposition.

I will impose Jake McMillan’s Three Points Plan to Winning:

Point 1 – Get 3 Points

Point 2 – Don’t get no points

Point 3 – Don’t get 1 point

I will revolutionise the way England plays football. It will seem like we are playing a different game, like Rugby, but we won’t be, we will be playing football and we will dazzle the world.
My first step will be to turn our talented squad from delicate but moderately skilled professional footballers into large-balled gladiators. This is not a metaphor. I will arrange covert injections of the testicles of each of the players with a safe saline solution to make them larger. This will improve confidence of the team and give players a cocky swagger. The opposition, in turn, will be intimidated at the site of our bulging shorts. It will also help protect players in free kick situations.

Sat in my office and swivelling on my Ikea padded office chair (black faux leather), I give respect to opposition teams, but once inside the stadium we are at war and they will get the maximum disrespect, maybe even a little more. I lead by example and smear my own poo on the opposition dressing room door, their team bus and some of their coaching staff before each game.

Pause a moment, I know what you thinking, as genius as I sound, big balls and a sexy swagger are not enough to deliver the Euros and the World Cup. You are damn right!
I have developed a comprehensive range of the most innovative and cunning footballing tactics ever to be devised that will guarantee that our fair nation, England, will have its hands on the World Cup trophy in 2016. I do not wish to give away my tactics gratis, but the following examples give a flavour of a new approach never yet exploited.

A) More goalkeepers – it struck me a few years ago that goalkeepers can kick the ball a long way but are restrained by having to stay near the goal. But what if you had more than one goalkeeper on the field? One stays in goal and the others move forward a bit, where they are not going to get tackled so much but also can reach the opposition goal area with one kick. So, using a revolutionary 5-0-5 formation of 5 goalkeepers kick the ball to 5 of our top and hopefully tallest forwards we can create huge number of scoring opportunities without the need of skilled players. Also, defensively having 5 goalkeepers protecting the goal has got to produce a 500% better defence than we have now.

B) The Tank – This attacking formation sees the player with the ball surrounded by all his teammates, thereby protecting him from tackles by the other team. The tank formation allows direct penetrative attacks that can cut through opponent teams and require no footballing skills whatsoever.

C) Formation Switching – To ensure that the opposition remains confused and unable to learn or defend against our system, we will implement a large number of formation switches during a game at random moments. For example, on a given signal all players will suddenly play on the right hand side of the pitch. If executed correctly, this will bewilder opponents and open up scoring opportunities. Other formations to be used in switching include:

(i) Line Formation: The players adopt a 1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1 formation down the centre of the length of the pitch.

(ii) Crazy Legs: Players will use no formation at all and run around randomly like a group of mad badgers. Would you try to tackle a mad badger? I did once. Never again.

(iii) Phallic: the players will form the shape of a male reproductive organ, including the testicles. But without the pubic hair, that would be just a bit silly.

(iv) Barricade: the 10-0-0 formation will be used for maximum defence, which will lull the opposition into a false sense of security and leave them vulnerable to the counter attack. We may not score, but we will make sure they don’t either.

(v) Circle: the players will surround the opposition in a large circle and gradually reduce the size of the circle, drawing all play into the centre circle.

D) Underhand Tactics (shhh…) – these, of course, should not be allowed, but every team uses them (e.g. diving, time-wasting, etc.) and so I intend to bend the rules as much as they will allow without breaking them to ensure we have a tactical and psychological advantage:

(i) multi-ball – at strategic moments 30 or so footballs will be thrown onto the pitch creating confusion whilst our player with the actual ball proceeds forward into a scoring position.

(ii) shorts-pulling – shirt pulling is common place in the 18 yard box, but shorts pulling is under-utilised. This is a far more effective technique, especially with increasingly vain footballers, who will forget their defending assignments to pull up their shorts and protect their modesty rather than the goal.

(iii) magnets – I have spent a great deal of time and research into the use of magnets in football and certain applications will create match-winning possibilities. We will insert small special magnets (patent pending) into the football and place tiny magnets with the same polarity into the gloves of the opposition goalkeeper meaning that he will never be able to catch the football due to the repelling nature of the magnets. Likewise opposite polarity magnets will be placed into our keeper’s gloves to aid catching. They may also be placed inside the opponents’ goal, but this may draw attention when the ball doesn’t bounce out and the logistical problems of swapping magnets on goals during halftime will be too risky to use.

(iv) trapdoors – like in roman gladiatorial times, trap doors may be used to lower people and allow new people (or lions or angry squirrels) to come up into the stadium. Not to be overused.

(v) extra players – I may need to check the exact rules on this one, but if footballers not officially representing England “happened accidentally” to be on the pitch, they could unofficially help the team with a few passes here and there. Having more players than the opposition is a clear way to create a massive advantage.

(vi) naked women – my extensive and ongoing research in this area has lead us to the conclusion that men can be easily distracted by beautiful naked women. By fielding a defence full of naked women we will distract the opposing team, retain the ball and go and score (a goal that is).

(vii) inflatable devices – again, this an area massively under-exploited in International football. Here are just a few ways that they can create more than just a competitive advantage:
1) weapon – balloons and inflatable objects are allowed in football stadiums so why not arm each England player with an inflatable hammer?
2) expand size – by giving the goal keeper the opportunity to expand his size, it significantly increases his chance of blocking shots. In fact, I have been negotiating with one manufacturer who claim they can create an inflatable fat suit that will fill the entire goal!
3) additional players – inflatables don’t count as real people and so the defence can be assisted by inflatable football players (e.g. for free kicks).
4) airlift – by holding the ball between the feet and grabbing a large balloon/inflatable, a player can literally fly over the opposition defence and goalkeeper. However, tight training will be required to ensure players do not accidentally fly out of the stadium.

(viii) Psychological – I have just acquired a copy of Photoshop and feel somewhat confident I can superimpose a picture of one of the opposition’s mums face onto a pornographic image of a woman being taken from behind. I also have a good contact in the t-shirt trade and can get these photos printed on the England shirts for a very good price. The end result will clearly enrage the opposition and put them off their game.

(ix) Rosa Klebb – If you remember this famous baddy from the classic James Bond Film ‘From Russia with Love’, she had a poisoned spike that would stick out of the front of her shoe. I think you can already guess where I am going with this one!

I look forward to hearing from you and I look forward to us holding aloft the World Cup trophy and me admiring the massive balls of our tournament-winning squad.

Yours sincerely

Jake “3 Points” McMillan

 

The FA, quite promptly to be fair to them and addressing me by full name Jake “3 Points” McMillan (now you know what the T in Jake T McMillan stands for), sent me the letter below in response:

 

FA Letter - Jake McMillan


Advice for Single Ladies


by Jake McMillan

Are you a single lady? If so, you might like reading some advice for single ladies produced, I think, in the 1950s in the US. Advice such as:

DON’T DRINK TOO MUCH, as a man expects you to keep your dignity all evening. Drinking may make some girls seem clever, but most get silly.

Read more of these on the Bounce Off website.

Related Posts:
Bad Things to Say on a First Date
A New Low in Ridiculous Things to Say on a Date
10 Things NOT to do on a First Date
Getting the Girl to Pay for Dinner


Dishwashing Idiots


My two female flatmates are idiots who do not know how to load the dishwasher.

They seem to be under the impression that inside the dishwasher are hundreds of tiny people who will scrub clean the contents no matter how it is put in or whatever food is left on it? Here are some examples (yes, I’ve been that annoyed I took photos):

Bad Dishwasher Loading

Numbers 1, 2 and 6 above are examples where the mug or glass has no chance of being washed as there is something underneath it preventing water to get inside.

6 Dishwasher Errors

In fairness, I suspect a couple of glasses may have fallen down, but this should have been anticipated.

Why?!

However, searching on the internet, I discovered there are others that do far worse with their dishwasher:

 

 


Top 5 Ways to Start an Argument


by Jake McMillan

1. Contradiction
If you contradict whatever the other person says, you will naturally cause an argument. Or will you? (see below)

2. Go travelling with someone
The intense pressure of being with someone 24/7 and having to find your way in an alien environment will lead to an argument sooner or later.

3. Give someone the silent treatment
This passive aggressive move will infuriate the person into an argument.

4. Blame people when things don’t go right
Passing on blame is guaranteed to annoy people and make them defensive.

5. Just talk to a woman for long enough
If you talk to a woman it is only a matter of time before it will become an argument. Disagree? See, I told you it would create an argument.


Can I date Santa?


by Jake MCMILLAN 

The advantages and disadvantages of dating Santa:

Pros

  • He will always get you presents
  • He only works one day a year
  • Looks great in red
  • Has own transport
  • Likes kids and animals
  • He lets you sit on his knee


Cons

  • He’ll only give you presents if you’ve been good
  • He eats a lot and is not in good shape
  • He possibly has an unhealthy attachment to Reindeers and Elves
  • Sleighs draw too much attention and are not easy to park
  • Technically, he’s unemployed
  • Has huge bushy white beard
  • Only wears one outfit
  • He’s not really around on Xmas Day
  • Santa is anagram of satan

A New Low in Ridiculous things to say on a Date


by Jake McMillan

Last week I reached a new low in ridiculous things to say on a date. If you’re unaware of my skill (or lack of it) in this area, then please read here for some examples of really quite stupid things I have said in the past.

On a date last week, for a reason I still do not understand, I raised the topic of the inadequacy of tampons and the lack of development in tampon technology over the years. Why hadn’t they invented something better that women could just shove up there for a week and forget about?

Using a parallel of a tape worm that sits inside the stomach and eats up food, I suggested that they develop a worm that a woman can put up her which laps up her period (and yes I did use the term ‘laps up’).

I don’t think I’ve seen someone look quite so appalled. I did argue there are fishes that eat dead skin, but the damage had been done.


Bad things to say on a first date


by Jake McMillan

I like to think my desire to discuss fun and controversial topics is a positive attribute, but sometimes it lets me down. Namely, when chatting up women.

My love of fun banter unfortunately overrides the need to be a bit cautious when chatting to someone new. I leap in with potentially controversial topics before getting to know whether they are the type of person who can handle it or would enjoy it.

My defence in all this is that if she can’t handle such topics, which aren’t particularly outrageous, then she probably isn’t the type of woman for me. However, perhaps I could wait for date 2 or 3 before mentioning some topics and perhaps avoid some stuff all together.

Here are conversational topics which I would caution against using on a first date:


That you are a rubbish cook and have a rubbish diet

I met this girl via an internet dating site who said on her profile she really was not much of a cook. However, when I told her about my view on cooking she was quite appalled. Me saying the following things did not go down well:

“I don’t cook, I only heat when I have to”

“The fruit and veg area in the supermarket is just the annoying area you have to walk through to get to the good stuff”

“I pierce a film lid better than anyone I know”

I then spent 5mins explaining the virtues of steamed microwaveable veg.


That you sometimes put a remote control in your mouth

Why this topic came up, I cannot remember? I was on a third date and for some reason I thought it would be a good idea to confess that sometimes when engrossed in a film at home I discover I have put the DVD remote control in my mouth and am actually seeing how far I can get it in. I could usually get my mouth to the Play button but not any further without causing discomfort. I guess I was hoping she would find it funny and that she would offer some embarrassing confession too. Nope. She was silent and just looked at me in a very odd way. There was a fourth date, however.


Bringing up the scrunch or fold debate
As you may know, I love talking about this and enjoy the different arguments people have for their preferred method. Anyway, I mentioned this on a first date only yesterday and she had not heard of this discussion. She was quite a liberally-minded person, but was clearly stunned and said it was not something she had ever thought about before. In her words she was “flummoxed” by the whole conversation.


Suggesting she used to be a Horse

Click here to read the full story on this. I thought I was being funny.


Revealing that you’re an ordained Reverend

After seeing that episode on Friends where Joey gets ordained on the internet, I went online to see if it was really possible. Turns out, it is really quick and easy (check out the Universal Life Church) and within 5mins I was ordained and printed out my certificate. Some people think this is weird, however. I protest this and it has actually led to my really good friend asking me to marry her and her fiancé. I feel very honoured to do this.

Talking about Tampons
Read here for a new low in dumb things to say on a date.