by Jake McMillan
Friends say I talk a lot of shit, or rather, a lot about shit. A good conversation down the pub with friends will typically involve a toilet-related discussion at some point. I don’t always raise the topic, but will always have something to contribute in an enthusiastic manner.
To clarify, I’m not a scatalogical freak … quite the opposite, I cannot stand looking at or smelling poo. My interest in the subject is more sociological as people’s reactions and views about this very normal evey day natural human function are fascinating. We can watch movies with explicit violence and sexual scenes, but someone mentions poo or something toilet related and many people are instantly disgusted and horrified?!
Even the very tame scrunch or fold debate, which is just about how people fold toilet paper before they use it, can be met with disgust. The interest here, for me, is not so much the arguments about which is best/most effective (although I do love this), but more the reaction of people when they realise close friends and loved ones do something different to what they do. We go to the toilet on our own and naturally assume that everyone else does exactly the same as what we do. But they don’t!
The other big difference is to whether people lean or stand up slightly when they wipe. Again, the interest is to see the reactions of people who do the opposite action.
Friend’s say that I have “poo issues” as I never look at my poo before I flush. I also never fart in my pants as I believe that poo particles will soil underwear. This is, as you would expect, mocked heavily by mates but my GP friend told me there was an official study into whether it was okay for surgeons to fart during an operation? The conclusion was that bacteria is actually released during a fart so it’s not good for surgeons to pass wind in the operating theatre. Therefore, not farting in your pants does make sense.
I really do find it fascinating that people find poo discussions so disgusting?! The typical ‘not while I’m eating’ comment puzzles me as it suggests that people are so influenced by just hearing the term poo that they will immediately think their delicious food is now just a turd on their plate. If this were true, then restaurants would not need to employ fancy chefs, waiters could just poo on a plate and bring it customers and describe it as ‘Sir, here is your order, this freshly produced Cumberland Sausage, with hidden herbs and oats, accompanied by mini dumplings, sat in a rustic gravy’. Yum!
There are some odd scatological practices that are quite disgusting, but can still be fun to talk about. For example, imagine you’re in a long term relationship, possibly married, and your partner asks, “Honey, do you have any odd sexual fantasies? Because I have this odd request that you could do for me and in return I can do something for you?“. Of course, you would want to find out what this was? Your partner then explains that they would like you to shit in their mouth! Would you do it?!
This can be a very funny discussion as most people will say “of course not” as it’s disgusting. Then you remind them that they won’t be having shit in their mouth, they would be the one providing the poo and that this would be a one time deal to make their long term partner happy. Then they have to think about it more seriously.
Assume that you say yes, can you imagine the practicalities of doing it?! Firstly, you need to consider position and trajectory, you don’t want to miss their mouth. Secondly, you would want to produce a good poo for your partner, but that is hard to guarantee. You don’t want to produce lots of wind at the same time either? Or maybe your partner will like that?
The discussions on poo are never ending! Do you enjoy similar discussions, or am I just a poo freak?!